Many people experiencing a mental health problem will speak to friends and family before they speak to a health professional, so the support you offer can be really valuable. This page covers:

• What emotional support can I offer?
  
• What practical support can I offer?
  
• What can I do if someone doesn't want my help?
• What if they believe things that seem very unusual or scary to me?
• What can I do if it's an emergency?
  
• How can I look after myself?

What emotional support can I offer?

If someone lets you know that they are experiencing difficult thoughts and feelings, it's common to feel like you don’t know what to do or say – but you don't need any special training to show someone you care about them. Often just being there for someone and doing small things can be really valuable. For example:

• Listen. Simply giving someone space to talk, and listening to how they’re feeling, can be really helpful in itself. If they're finding it difficult, let them know that you're there when they are ready.

• Offer reassurance. Seeking help can feel lonely, and sometimes scary. You can reassure someone by letting them know that they are not alone, and that you will be there to help.

• Stay calm. Even though it might be upsetting to hear that someone you care about is distressed, try to stay calm. This will help your friend or family member feel calmer too, and show them that they can talk to you openly without upsetting you.

• Be patient. You might want to know more details about their thoughts and feelings, or want them to get help immediately. But it’s important to let them set the pace for seeking support themselves.

• Try not to make assumptions. Your perspective might be useful to your friend or family member, but try not to assume that you already know what may have caused their feelings, or what will help.

• Keep social contact. Part of the emotional support you offer could be to keep things as normal as possible. This could include involving your friend or family member in social events, or chatting about other parts of your lives.

I had one friend who helped me by just listening and never judging. Without him my recovery time would have been much longer.

What practical support can I offer?

There are lots of practical things you can do to support someone who is ready to seek help. For example:

• Look for information that might be helpful. When someone is seeking help they may feel worried about making the right choice, or feel that they have no control over their situation. Our page on making yourself heard will give you some ideas on what research you can do, and ways you can help someone think about what might work for them.

• Help to write down lists of questions that the person you’re supporting wants to ask their doctor, or help to put points into an order that makes sense (for example, most important point first).

• Help to organise paperwork, for example making sure that your friend or family member has somewhere safe to keep their notes, prescriptions and records of appointments.

• Go to appointments with them, if they want you to – even just being there in the waiting room can help someone feel reassured.

• Ask them if there are any specific practical tasks you could help with, and work on those. For example, this could include:
  • offering them a lift somewhere
  • arranging childcare for them
  • taking over a chore or household task.

• Learn more about the problem they experience, to help you think about other ways you could support them. Our website provides lots of information about different types of mental health problems, including pages on what friends and family can do to help in each case.

What can I do if someone doesn't want my help?

If you feel that someone you care about is clearly struggling but can't or won't reach out for help, and won't accept any help you offer, it's understandable to feel frustrated, distressed and powerless. But it’s important to accept that they are an individual, and that there are always limits to what you can do to support another person.

What if they believe things that seem very unusual or scary to me?

If someone is experiencing reality in a very different way from people around them, they may not realise or agree that seeking help could be useful for them. They may be experiencing psychosis, mania, hearing voices or feeling very paranoid. In this case, it can also be helpful to:

• Focus on how their beliefs are making them feel (for example anxious, scared, threatened or confused), as these feelings will be very real.

• Avoid confirming or denying their beliefs. Instead it can help to say something like "I understand that you see things that way, but it's not like that for me."

There are a lot of misunderstandings about what it means to experience psychosis. Lots of people wrongly think that the word 'psychotic' means 'dangerous'. But it's important to remember that in reality, very few people who experience psychosis ever hurt anyone else. (See our page on stigma and misconceptions for more information.)

What can I do if it's an emergency?

There may be times when your friend or family member needs to seek help more urgently, such as if they:

• have harmed themselves and need medical attention
• are having suicidal feelings, and feel they may act on them
• are putting themselves or someone else at immediate, serious risk of harm.

In this case:

• If they are not safe by themselves right now – as long as you feel able to do so, you should stay with them and help them call 999 for an ambulance, or help them get to A&E. They may appreciate it if you can wait with them until they can see a doctor.

• If they can keep themselves safe for a little while – you can get quick medical advice by calling NHS Direct on 111 (England) or 0845 46 47 (Wales), or you could help them make an emergency GP appointment to see a doctor soon. You can encourage them to call the Samaritans on 116 123 at any time of night or day to talk to someone, or try other telephone support services. It may also be helpful to remove things that they could use to harm themselves, particularly if they have mentioned specific things they might use. (See our pages on supporting someone who feels suicidal for more information.)

• If you feel personally in danger right now, or that others are in immediate danger – you can dial 999 and ask for the police to help. You might feel worried about getting someone in trouble, but it's important to put your own safety first.

If you're not in a situation like this right now, but you're worried someone you care about may experience a mental health crisis in the future, it's a good idea to make a crisis plan with them to work out what steps you will take to help them in an emergency. (See our page on planning for a crisis for more information.)

How can I look after myself?

Supporting someone else can be challenging. Making sure that you look after your own wellbeing can mean that you have the energy, time and distance to help someone else. For example:

• Take a break when you need it. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by supporting someone or it’s taking up a lot of time or energy, taking some time for yourself can help you feel refreshed.

• Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You may want to be careful about how much information you share about the person you’re supporting, but talking about your own feelings to a friend can help you feel supported too.

• Set boundaries and be realistic about what you can do. Your support is really valuable, but it’s up to your friend or family member to seek support for themselves. Remember that small, simple things can help, and that just being there for them is probably helping a lot.

• Share your caring role with others, if you can. It's often easier to support someone if you're not doing it alone.

For more ideas about how to keep yourself well, see our pages on coping when supporting someone else, improving and maintaining your wellbeing, and managing stress.

This information was published in December 2017 – to be revised in 2020. References are available on request. If you would like to reproduce any of this information see our page on permissions and licensing.