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Confidence and self-esteem – for 11-18 year olds

A guide for young people on understanding confidence and self-esteem, the things that might affect them and where to look for support.

Understanding confidence, self-esteem and mental health

We can all struggle with low confidence and self-esteem sometimes. And the way we feel about ourselves and our abilities can change throughout our lives.

This page will help you understand how different things can affect your confidence and self-esteem, and how they can all relate to your mental health.

If you've struggled with low confidence or self-esteem for a while, it's okay to ask for help. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves.

How can I improve my confidence and self-esteem?

If you feel like you already understand what confidence and self-esteem mean, check out our tips on how to improve these for yourself.

Go to tips and advice

Seeing other people choose to spend time with me helped me to realise that there are lots of things I like about myself, and to worry less about what they thought about me.

What is confidence?

Confidence is about believing in and trusting ourselves, our abilities and ideas. It might include feeling like we can:

  • Contribute to discussions in school, college or at work
  • Try to make a new friend, for example by asking them to do something together
  • Try to learn a new skill or start a new hobby
  • Overcome difficulties and challenges

Confidence is also about understanding and accepting ourselves for who we are. This might include:

  • Feeling comfortable with how we look
  • Feeling proud of our sexuality
  • Not wanting to change ourselves to fit in with others
  • Accepting that we're all unique, and have our own strengths and weaknesses

Confidence is not about:

  • Thinking we're better than others
  • Thinking we're good at everything
  • Never feeling scared, nervous or unsure
  • Being loud and very social all the time

I think accepting who you are and being proud of anything which makes you different is very important, there is only 1 version of yourself.

Young Person Throwing Up Ball In Playground

Example: Aneesa finding her voice

Aneesa always doubted herself, especially at school. She avoided putting her hand up and speaking in class because she felt her ideas weren't good enough. She was afraid people would laugh at her.

One day, her teacher asked her to present a project in front of the class – she had worked really hard on this project. Aneesa felt very nervous standing in front of her classmates and her voice was shaky.

But as she looked up, she saw her friends and other classmates looking at her, smiling and taking an interest in what she was saying. By the time she finished, she felt more relaxed and thought ‘that wasn't so bad’.

Now, Aneesa raises her hand more often, even when she feels nervous. This is because she feels that her ideas and thoughts are worth sharing. Aneesa is very proud of how much her confidence has grown and wants to keep practising public speaking. She's thinking about joining a debate club in the future.

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Someone who is confident doesn't have to be outgoing and social. We can be quiet or shy and still be confident.

Even if we're the loudest person in the room, it doesn't always mean we feel confident inside.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is how we think and feel about ourselves.

If we have high self-esteem, the way we think and feel about ourselves is likely to be positive. This might include:

  • Liking and valuing ourselves
  • Believing in ourselves and the things we can do
  • Believing we deserve to be treated well by others
  • Believing we deserve to take care of ourselves
  • Feeling able to try new or difficult things
  • Believing we can cope with change and challenges
  • Feeling able to stand up for ourselves
  • Believing we matter and deserve to feel good about ourselves

If we have low self-esteem, we might think and feel about ourselves in a more negative way. This might include:

  • Feeling bad about ourselves and not liking ourselves
  • Thinking we're not good at anything
  • Worrying about how we look or what others think about us
  • Avoiding social situations and certain activities
  • Not feeling good enough
  • Giving ourselves a hard time

We can all experience these thoughts, feelings and behaviours sometimes. But when we feel like this for a long time, it might be a sign that we need some support.

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are important parts of self-esteem:

  • Self-acceptance is about believing we all have strengths and good qualities, while also accepting that we all have limits and will experience challenges. If we can accept ourselves, we're less likely to compare ourselves to others and more likely to celebrate ourselves.

  • Self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves, even when things are difficult. It's about trying to offer ourselves the same understanding, kindness and support we'd give to a close friend, partner or family member.

 

Example: Matt's journey to self-acceptance

When Matt's self-esteem was low, they didn't feel like they were clever or interesting, and they worried about the way they looked. They stopped going to dance classes as they thought they'd never be any good at dancing. They also stopped wearing clothes they liked, because they thought no-one would be interested in how they looked.

Matt then met 2 new friends, Yuki and Spencer, who showed them understanding and liked them for who they are. Yuki and Spencer both shared their struggles with Matt, and over time, Matt felt able to open up to them too.

This helped Matt to like and accept themselves more. They stopped feeling bad about themselves and started to focus more on what they could do, rather than what they couldn't do.

Now Matt dresses how they want and they feel great about it. They also started going back to dance lessons. They realised the most important thing isn't how good they are, but that they enjoy dancing and being part of a group of people with the same hobby.

I've got an amazing group of friends now and I actually want to go to school, like I don't like having sick days anymore – Isla, 13

What can affect my confidence and self-esteem?

How we feel about ourselves and our abilities can change throughout our lives, especially when we go through big events or changes. For example, moving to a new area or starting at a new school or college.

Different experiences can affect our confidence and self-esteem in different ways. For example, going through a breakup or hearing negative comments about ourselves can lower our confidence and self-esteem. But doing well on a test or making a new friend might also boost our confidence and self-esteem.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand what's affecting our confidence and self-esteem. Our upbringing and early life experiences might influence them, as well as our current relationships and environment.

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Remember: we're all different. Something that has a positive effect on your confidence and self-esteem might have a negative effect on someone else's.

These experiences might have a positive effect on our confidence and self-esteem:

  • Being treated with kindness and respect
  • Having a strong support network
  • Feeling heard and supported
  • Getting good feedback on how we're doing in school or college, work or other activities
  • Learning new things
  • Positive interactions on social media

Something that can really affect our self-esteem and confidence is the people we surround ourselves with, especially our friends.

Young People Chatting In Bathroom

These experiences might have a negative effect on our confidence and self-esteem:

  • Problems at home, school or college
  • Problems in our relationships or friendships
  • Negative interactions online or face to face
  • Worrying about things we see on social media or the news
  • Pressure from ourselves or others, especially things like exam stress
  • Struggling with our mental health or our feelings
  • Struggling with our physical health
  • Struggling with puberty or our menstrual cycle (period)
  • Being bullied
  • Being abused
  • Experiencing something traumatic or frightening
  • Losing someone important to us
  • Experiencing discrimination
  • Difficult feelings and experiences from the pandemic

You may be affected by other experiences that we haven't listed on this page. Or you might have experienced low confidence or self-esteem for a long time, which can make it harder to work out why you're feeling this way.

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If your confidence or self-esteem has been low for a long time, you're not alone and you deserve support.

How can body image affect our confidence and self-esteem?

Body image is how we think and feel about:

  • Our own body
  • The way we look
  • How we think other people see us

The people in our lives and things going on around us can often influence our body image in a good way. But sometimes they can have a negative effect on our thoughts and feelings about our bodies, like:

  • Social media that promotes looking a certain way or having a certain type of body
  • Not seeing many different body types in the media and online
  • Comments from friends, partners or family about our size, shape, weight or the way we look

If we already have low confidence and self-esteem for any other reason, we might feel more negative about our body image.

Young Person Hugging Close Up

Sometimes, when you have more negative feelings, you can think that it will always be like that. But it will always get better, even if you don't always feel like it will.

There might be things we like about our body or how we look, as well as things we don't like as much. And these feelings can change from moment to moment, day to day and month to month.

When we feel like we're struggling with body image, it often links to our confidence, self-esteem and mental health.

For example, if we don't like our body because it doesn't look like what we see on social media, this can lower our self-worth. This can make us feel less confident and affect our mental health, making us feel low.

Where can I find more support?

If you're struggling with feelings linked to body image, you're not alone and you deserve support.

Visit our finding support page

Read more on the YoungMinds website

How can I build my confidence and self-esteem?

Building confidence and self-esteem can take time and practice. But there are lots of things you can try to help improve the way you feel about yourself and your abilities.

We have tips, ideas and advice for building confidence and self-esteem. You can find a summary in the list below:

  • Be kind to yourself
  • Look after yourself
  • Practise self-compassion
  • Think about your relationships
  • Keep connected
  • Try something new
  • Reflect on how you feel about your body
  • Practise being assertive
  • Think about setting goals

Learn how to build confidence and self-esteem

Go to confidence and self-esteem tips

You can do anything, and you will always be capable of doing everything you want to do once you've really, really pushed through it – Olu, 16

Where can I look for help and support?

If you're worried about how you're feeling, or if your low confidence or self-esteem is affecting your relationships and everyday life, it's okay to ask for help.

You might find these pages useful:

Published: October 2024
Next review planned: October 2027

We spoke to young people who agreed to give quotes for this page. Their experiences are not related to the people shown in the photos.

References are available on request. If you want to reproduce this content, see our permissions and licensing page.

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