Your confidence and self-esteem - for 11-18 year olds

Understanding confidence, self-esteem and mental health

We can all struggle with low confidence and self-esteem sometimes. And the way we feel about ourselves and our abilities can change throughout our lives.

This page will help you understand how different things can affect your confidence and self-esteem, and how they can all relate to your mental health.

If you've struggled with low confidence or self-esteem for a while, it's okay to ask for help. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves.

What is confidence?

Confidence is about believing in and trusting ourselves, our abilities and ideas. It might include feeling like we can:

Contribute to discussions in school, college or at work
Try to make a new friend, for example by asking them to do something together
Try to learn a new skill or start a new hobby
Overcome difficulties and challenges

Confidence is also about understanding and accepting ourselves for who we are. This might include:

Feeling comfortable with how we look
Feeling proud of our sexuality
Not wanting to change ourselves to fit in with others
Accepting that we're all unique, and have our own strengths and weaknesses

Confidence is not about:

Thinking we're better than others
Thinking we're good at everything
Never feeling scared, nervous or unsure
Being loud and very social all the time

I think accepting who you are and being proud of anything which makes you different is very important, there is only 1 version of yourself.

Young Person Throwing Up Ball In Playground

Example: Aneesa finding her voice

Aneesa always doubted herself, especially at school. She avoided putting her hand up and speaking in class because she felt her ideas weren't good enough. She was afraid people would laugh at her.

One day, her teacher asked her to present a project in front of the class – she had worked really hard on this project. Aneesa felt very nervous standing in front of her classmates and her voice was shaky.

But as she looked up, she saw her friends and other classmates looking at her, smiling and taking an interest in what she was saying. By the time she finished, she felt more relaxed and thought ‘that wasn't so bad’.

Now, Aneesa raises her hand more often, even when she feels nervous. This is because she feels that her ideas and thoughts are worth sharing. Aneesa is very proud of how much her confidence has grown and wants to keep practising public speaking. She's thinking about joining a debate club in the future.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is how we think and feel about ourselves.

If we have high self-esteem, the way we think and feel about ourselves is likely to be positive. This might include:

Liking and valuing ourselves
Believing in ourselves and the things we can do
Believing we deserve to be treated well by others
Believing we deserve to take care of ourselves
Feeling able to try new or difficult things
Believing we can cope with change and challenges
Feeling able to stand up for ourselves
Believing we matter and deserve to feel good about ourselves

If we have low self-esteem, we might think and feel about ourselves in a more negative way. This might include:

Feeling bad about ourselves and not liking ourselves
Thinking we're not good at anything
Worrying about how we look or what others think about us
Avoiding social situations and certain activities
Not feeling good enough
Giving ourselves a hard time

We can all experience these thoughts, feelings and behaviours sometimes. But when we feel like this for a long time, it might be a sign that we need some support.

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are important parts of self-esteem:

Self-acceptance is about believing we all have strengths and good qualities, while also accepting that we all have limits and will experience challenges. If we can accept ourselves, we're less likely to compare ourselves to others and more likely to celebrate ourselves.
Self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves, even when things are difficult. It's about trying to offer ourselves the same understanding, kindness and support we'd give to a close friend, partner or family member.

Example: Matt's journey to self-acceptance

When Matt's self-esteem was low, they didn't feel like they were clever or interesting, and they worried about the way they looked. They stopped going to dance classes as they thought they'd never be any good at dancing. They also stopped wearing clothes they liked, because they thought no-one would be interested in how they looked.

Matt then met 2 new friends, Yuki and Spencer, who showed them understanding and liked them for who they are. Yuki and Spencer both shared their struggles with Matt, and over time, Matt felt able to open up to them too.

This helped Matt to like and accept themselves more. They stopped feeling bad about themselves and started to focus more on what they could do, rather than what they couldn't do.

Now Matt dresses how they want and they feel great about it. They also started going back to dance lessons. They realised the most important thing isn't how good they are, but that they enjoy dancing and being part of a group of people with the same hobby.

I've got an amazing group of friends now and I actually want to go to school, like I don't like having sick days anymore – Isla, 13

What can affect my confidence and self-esteem?

How we feel about ourselves and our abilities can change throughout our lives, especially when we go through big events or changes. For example, moving to a new area or starting at a new school or college.

Different experiences can affect our confidence and self-esteem in different ways. For example, going through a breakup or hearing negative comments about ourselves can lower our confidence and self-esteem. But doing well on a test or making a new friend might also boost our confidence and self-esteem.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand what's affecting our confidence and self-esteem. Our upbringing and early life experiences might influence them, as well as our current relationships and environment.

These experiences might have a positive effect on our confidence and self-esteem:

Being treated with kindness and respect
Having a strong support network
Feeling heard and supported
Getting good feedback on how we're doing in school or college, work or other activities
Learning new things
Positive interactions on social media

Something that can really affect our self-esteem and confidence is the people we surround ourselves with, especially our friends.

These experiences might have a negative effect on our confidence and self-esteem:

Problems at home, school or college
Problems in our relationships or friendships
Negative interactions online or face to face
Worrying about things we see on social media or the news
Pressure from ourselves or others, especially things like exam stress
Struggling with our mental health or our feelings
Struggling with our physical health
Struggling with puberty or our menstrual cycle (period)
Being bullied
Being abused
Experiencing something traumatic or frightening
Losing someone important to us
Experiencing discrimination
Difficult feelings and experiences from the pandemic

You may be affected by other experiences that we haven't listed on this page. Or you might have experienced low confidence or self-esteem for a long time, which can make it harder to work out why you're feeling this way.

How can body image affect our confidence and self-esteem?

Body image is how we think and feel about:

Our own body
The way we look
How we think other people see us

The people in our lives and things going on around us can often influence our body image in a good way. But sometimes they can have a negative effect on our thoughts and feelings about our bodies, like:

Social media that promotes looking a certain way or having a certain type of body
Not seeing many different body types in the media and online
Comments from friends, partners or family about our size, shape, weight or the way we look

If we already have low confidence and self-esteem for any other reason, we might feel more negative about our body image.

Sometimes, when you have more negative feelings, you can think that it will always be like that. But it will always get better, even if you don't always feel like it will.

There might be things we like about our body or how we look, as well as things we don't like as much. And these feelings can change from moment to moment, day to day and month to month.

When we feel like we're struggling with body image, it often links to our confidence, self-esteem and mental health.

For example, if we don't like our body because it doesn't look like what we see on social media, this can lower our self-worth. This can make us feel less confident and affect our mental health, making us feel low.

Where can I find more support?

If you're struggling with feelings linked to body image, you're not alone and you deserve support.

Visit our finding support page

How can I build my confidence and self-esteem?

Building confidence and self-esteem can take time and practice. But there are lots of things you can try to help improve the way you feel about yourself and your abilities.

We have tips, ideas and advice for building confidence and self-esteem. You can find a summary in the list below:

Be kind to yourself
Look after yourself
Practise self-compassion
Think about your relationships
Keep connected
Try something new
Reflect on how you feel about your body
Practise being assertive
Think about setting goals

Learn how to build confidence and self-esteem

Go to confidence and self-esteem tips

You can do anything, and you will always be capable of doing everything you want to do once you've really, really pushed through it – Olu, 16

Where can I look for help and support?

If you're worried about how you're feeling, or if your low confidence or self-esteem is affecting your relationships and everyday life, it's okay to ask for help.

You might find these pages useful:

For information on recognising how or why you might feel a certain way, see our page on understanding your feelings.
For advice on what help is available for mental health and wellbeing, see our page on finding support.
For advice on speaking to others about how you're feeling, see our page on opening up about your mental health.
For information on how your doctor might be able to help, see our page on talking to your doctor.
For a list of organisations and services offering information and support, see our page of useful contacts for young people.

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