Information for young people on how to support a friend or partner who is self-harming.
If your friend or partner is self-harming, it can be hard to know what to do.
If you’re looking for how to talk to them about it, how to support them, or how to look after yourself, we're here to help.
This page covers:
If you’d like to find out more about self-harm, take a look at our page on self-harm for young people.
"Don’t make assumptions – there’s a bunch of reasons why people might do it."
It can be hard to tell if someone is self-harming. Not everybody who’s struggling with something difficult will self-harm, and those that do may try to hide it.
Some of the ways your friend or partner might change or act differently include:
It’s important that you don’t put pressure on yourself to notice these changes in your friend or partner.
Some of these could be signs of other problems, like feeling angry, and may not mean they're self-harming. If there are warning signs they’re self-harming, it’s not down to you to recognise them.
Whether your friend or partner tells you about their self-harm, or you notice it yourself, it can be hard to know what to do when you find out.
You might be feeling:
"When you have so much put on you all the time, you can start to resent the person you’re supporting, and you may need support yourself."
It’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for their actions. You can be there to listen and support them, but it’s not on you to stop them from hurting themselves. And if you are self-harming yourself, it can be even harder to support someone else. Your own wellbeing has to come first.
Also, no two people’s experiences of self-harm are the same. If you self-harm or know someone else who does, remember that your friend or partner might cope with what they’re experiencing differently.
Supporting someone you care about can be tough. If you need more support, read our tips on 'Looking after yourself'.
"It’s important to know we aren’t professionals – we can do as much as we can but we aren’t responsible for what happens."
When you talk to your friend or partner for the first time, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to say it.
If you want some ideas for what to say, you can try one of our conversation starters:
"If people feel pressured into it, it doesn’t feel as safe an environment to talk about it."
You can also think about how you want to talk to them.
Here are our top tips for having the first conversation:
Here's some tips from young people:
If you feel able to, keep checking in with your partner or friend about how they’re feeling. Doing this every now and then will help them to feel less alone.
Here are some ideas on how you can check in with them:
Here's some tips from young people:
Just continuing to be their friend or partner can make all the difference.
"If they feel like talking, you don’t need to be the solution, you can just be there."
Knowing how to support a friend or partner who’s self-harming can be difficult.
You might not know what to do or worry that you’re not doing enough. But anything you can do to support them during their recovery will be appreciated.
Here are some things you can try:
Here's some tips from young people:
"Reassure them they do need help, and they deserve it and that help is available."
You might feel worried about what to say to your friend or partner.
You’re most likely doing the best you can, but here are some things to consider:
Think about what kindness can look like, and how you can give that to them. If you’re unsure, you can ask them how they’d like you to support them.
"When the conversation does come up, say that if you talk about anything that makes me feel like you’re in danger, I might have to tell someone else, so please don’t hate me for that."
Your friend or partner might have opened up to you about their self-harm. Or they may not want your help right now, which can be difficult when you’re worried about them.
Coping by themselves is okay to start with. But if they are struggling to find better ways to cope or you think their self-harm is getting worse, they may need support from other people.
Here are some things you can try:
If your friend or partner gets angry that you told someone, be patient with them. You did the right thing making sure you’re both safe. They may not be able to understand this now, but they might later on.
"It’s viewed as snitching if you tell someone else like a teacher, but it should be less stigmatised, so you can help people get support."
Worrying about your friend or partner can be exhausting. It’s important that you also take care of yourself.
Here’s our tips on how to look after yourself:
We also have general advice on supporting a friend which you can read.
"You still have to do things for yourself – things that make you feel good and that help you relax. Like a weekend where you don’t go on social media."
Remember: you’re doing the best you can. Whether you’re helping your friend or partner, thank you for taking the time to support them.
"I wish I’d known it’s not all on me – knowing anything bad that happens isn’t my fault."
This information was published in June 2021. We will revise it in 2024.
References are available on request. If you would like to reproduce any of this information, see our page on permissions and licensing.