I have bipolar but it doesn't have me. This is what I have taught myself since I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2015.
The wonderful psychiatrist told me "It can't be cured but it can be managed." As soon as I heard this I burst into tears. A combination of relief at having a diagnosis of what I had been suffering on and off for 20 years and hope that I could learn to manage it.
I had suffered from long spells of having completely lost myself. It was as if my personality had left me and been replaced with an unbearably anxious and depressed shadow.
"I was too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about how I felt and I'd convince myself that it would pass."
It didn't and the lost spells got longer. Sometimes I'd feel like this for months at a time. Struggling to go to work and pretending everything was fine, when it took all my energy to get up in the morning. Putting on a brave face for family and friends because I didn't want to worry them.
I thought 'there's nothing they can do so why bother?' I'd try to hang on to thoughts of when I was happy and talk myself into thinking they would return if I could just stick it out.
I think the lightening bolt I needed was when my partner told me "When you are ill you are the last person to know".
At the time I was still in denial about the severity of my illness. He made me an appointment with my GP and we went together - this was the start of my acceptance. By the time I was referred to the psychiatrist I was in such an abyss I had nothing to loose.
It took 4 attempts to find the right medication that would bring me out of my black hole. I had to give each course of medication a month and if I felt no improvement the psychiatrist would try another combination.
This was like Russian roulette. The 4th course of medication started to bring me back.
"Slowly all my enthusiasm for the things I used to love returned."
My passion in life is cooking and I've been lucky enough to do what I love as a career. Once I accepted that my illness was with me for life I began to research what I could do to improve my mood and wellbeing.
My friends all stuck by me and even though the last thing I felt like doing was getting in touch and chatting about how awful I was feeling, they just kept calling and reassuring me things would get better and how they were thinking of me. And things did get better.
"But what I found really effective was the way I could use what I ate to help manage my mood."
I found that eating healthy, at least for most people, can’t prevent or cure mental health problems, but for me at least, it’s definitely helped.
So I set up my blog 'Cook Yourself Happier' to show people how to make meals to match their mood and the huge benefits of eating well. There is so much in the press about the importance of eating enough fruit and veg and everyday there seems to be new research into what we should be eating. It can be overwhelming, and I don’t want to add to that information overload.
I just want to help people make sense of the information available and show them that no matter how uninspired, unmotivated or low they feel you can use food to maintain and improve our mental health.
It’s not just about the end product for me either. I also find that when I'm cooking and focussing on my recipes it's my form of mindfulness. It helps to keep me in the moment and focus on what I'm making.
If I could talk to my younger self I'd say the most important thing you can do is to talk about how you are feeling and ask for help. There is no shame or embarrassment with mental illness and if I can do anything to help someone who feels like I used to, I'll shout from the rooftops!
My blog isn’t designed as a magic elixir to cure all (I wish it was!) but to show people how to make quick and delicious dishes depending on their mood.
From when you feel as flat as a pancake and really can’t be bothered to as tip top terrific as the perfect Soufflé and everything in between.
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