Helping someone diagnosed with personality disorder

It can be tough when someone you know is diagnosed with personality disorder. You might not understand how they feel or behave. And you may not know how to help.

But there are lots of things you can do to support them.

If there is one thing I'd ask people to understand, it's that I am living with a more intense version of everything, good and bad, but that the rest of me is in there.

Validate their feelings

It can be difficult if you don't understand why someone is feeling or behaving in a certain way. Especially if their reactions seem upsetting or unreasonable.

You may feel like all you want to do is fix things for them.

You might be angry or frustrated. Or want to distance yourself from them.

But try to remember that they may be experiencing things that you don't understand. And that many people diagnosed with personality disorder struggle to regulate their emotions.

You may not understand why they feel or react like this. But it can mean a lot to acknowledge and validate how they're feeling.

For example, you could say something like: 'Things sound really difficult for you at the moment'. You can validate their experiences without agreeing with what they say or do.

Try to stay calm

Try to stay calm when they're experiencing difficult emotions. This can help them feel more secure and supported.

It might be enough to just sit with them while their emotions feel overwhelming. You don't have to say anything specific to help.

When they're feeling well, you could make a plan together about what they'd like you to do when they're struggling.

You might find it helpful to have a shared word or phrase. You can agree to say this if it feels like their emotions are getting out of control. It could be something like 'Take a step back' or 'Try to pause'. This can remind them to pause and stay calm.

Learn more about personality disorder

Personality disorder can be a complicated diagnosis. They may have to deal with other people's misconceptions, as well as their own mental health.

Educating yourself can help you to challenge stigma. Our information about personality disorder may help.

Some NHS trusts have programmes called Family Connections. These are courses that can teach coping skills to family members and close friends.

Help them seek treatment and support

You could offer to help them to make appointments, or to prepare for them. For example, making a note of questions they'd like to ask health professionals.

Or you could ask if they'd like you to go to appointments with them. Or be involved in any decisions about treatment.

Feeling involved in their treatment can help improve your wellbeing too. But try not to take over. It's important to encourage and support them to make their own choices. And avoid them depending on you too much.

Our page on supporting someone to seek help has more information. It includes what you can do when someone doesn't want help.

And see our pages on advocacy if you want to help them to find an advocate.

Remind them of what you like about them

A diagnosis of personality disorder doesn't change everything about who they are. They may still be likeable, intelligent, funny, kind, highly motivated or creative.

But they might not recognise this themselves. They may struggle with their identity and how they see themselves. It can be reassuring to remind them of the good things you see in them.

Try to set clear boundaries and expectations

Some people with a diagnosis of personality disorder can find it difficult to set and maintain boundaries. It may help to both know where the boundaries of your relationship are. And what you expect from each other.

You could agree how you expect to speak to each other. And what you're able to help them with.

Agreeing this could help you both deal with difficult feelings and situations. For example, any fears of rejection or abandonment.

Plan ahead

It can be scary if you're worried someone you care about is hurting themselves. Or that they're struggling with suicidal thoughts.

Ask them how you could help when things are difficult. Try to find out what can cause them negative thoughts and emotions. You could also get to know their care plan, if they have one.

See our pages on supporting someone who self-harms and supporting someone who feels suicidal for more information.

Take care of yourself

It can be hard to support someone who's struggling. Try to remember that your own mental health is important as well.

See our pages on coping when supporting someone else and maintaining your wellbeing for more tips to look after yourself.

Published: October 2024

Next review planned: October 2027

References and bibliography available on request.

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