Supporting someone who self-harms

Having friends I could ring up and talk to about everyday things gave me some respite from the despair.

Acknowledge your feelings

It can be hard to know how to react if someone you know is self-harming. You might feel anxious, shocked, powerless, angry, or like you should have done more to help. You may want to fix things and find answers.

It's also common to feel scared that someone who is self-harming might seriously hurt themselves, or even take their own life. But self-harm doesn't necessarily mean that someone wants to end their life.

For some people, self-harm gives them another way of coping with emotional pain. People self-harm for lots of different reasons and there are ways you can support them.

Try to stay calm

You may feel lots of different emotions when you find out that someone you care about is self-harming.

But if your response is intense or angry, this can be overwhelming. It could leave them feeling guilty about the impact of their self-harm on you.

This can make things much harder, so try to stay calm if you can. Focus on empathising with what they are going through.

Don't judge

If someone feels judged for their self-harm, they may be less likely to ask for help.

Although it often isn't, self-harm can sometimes be a person's way of asking for their distress to be noticed or taken seriously. If it is, there's nothing wrong with wanting attention. And the distress they feel could make it harder to be direct about what they need.

Let them know you're there for them

You don't always have to talk about self-harm. Just going to visit and sitting with them could be enough. Or checking in regularly over the phone or on social media.

If they don't feel up to this, you can still let them know you're thinking of them.

Relate to them as a whole person

It's important to relate to them as a whole person, not just their self-harm. Keep inviting them to occasions and events that you normally would. This could help them feel involved and show that you've not changed your opinion of them.

Try not to refer to the person you're supporting as a ‘self-harmer’. This suggests that this is part of their identity, rather than behaviour.

Try to remind them of the things you like about them. And keep doing the things you'd usually do together.

Avoid stigmatising language

There is a lot of stigma associated with self-harm. Try not to use stigmatising language, even if you feel angry or hurt.

For example, some people may call someone who self-harms attention seeking or selfish. This can be really hurtful.

It can help to use the same language as the person you're supporting. This shows you're listening, and that you're trying to understand how they feel.

Let them control their decisions

Some people self-harm to feel more in control of their situation. So try to be sensitive to this and avoid taking control of their decisions. For example, by removing objects they might use to harm themselves.

It can seem helpful, but should be done on their terms. You could ask them first if they'd like you to help by removing items.

Offer to help them find support

Ask them what would be most helpful. But be patient if they're not ready to get support yet.

If they are, our treatment for self-harm page has tips on where they can go for help. You could help them research these. Or you could offer to attend appointments with them, or make their environment safer.

Create a support plan with them

A support plan can help someone stay safe if they feel like they want to self-harm or are in crisis. You might also hear this called a safety plan.

See our information on support planning for tips on this.

Be patient

Asking them to stop self-harming for you, or for any other reason, can make them feel guilty. This often makes things worse. It’s important that they seek help in their own time, even if this might feel difficult for you.

If they relapse with their self-harm, remember it’s possible to go a while without self-harming before having a setback.

This can feel distressing and frustrating. But they may feel confused and distressed too. Try to remind them that relapses and setbacks are a normal part of managing self-harm. And encourage them that they can cope.

Validate them

You may try to cope by not speaking to the person or acknowledging their self-harm. It may feel easier to ignore what's going on. Or you might feel worried you'll make things worse by asking them about it.

But ignoring it can make them feel lonelier and more isolated. You may not understand why they feel or react the way they do. But it can mean a lot to simply acknowledge and validate how they're feeling.

For example, you could say something like "I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time and that it's made you feel like self-harming. I care about you and I'm here if you want to talk."

Take care of yourself

• Take time to look after yourself too. Supporting someone who is self-harming can be difficult and upsetting at times. Looking after yourself will not only help you stay well. It means you can support them more effectively too. Find out more about looking after yourself in our pages on how to cope when supporting someone else and improving your wellbeing. You can also visit the Carers UK website.
• Share experiences, learn and get support from other people in the same situation. You could ask your GP about any local groups available to support friends and family of people who self-harm.
• Think about what you can and can't control. It may help to write things down. As much as you may want to help, you can't be completely responsible for someone else's mental health. All you can do is try your best to support them.
• Ask for help. If you're struggling, reach out to others and ask for support. This could be through people close to you, through your GP or a therapist.
• Take things one step at a time. You're not always going to do or say the right thing and that's ok. If you don't manage a situation as well as you could have, try to forgive yourself and move forward.

Published: August 2024

Next review planned: August 2027

References and bibliography available on request.

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