How to help someone who has a phobia

There might be someone in your life with a phobia. You might not know how best to support them. Or you might find their phobia hard to understand.

We have some suggestions for ways you can support someone while also looking after your own wellbeing.

Learn about phobias

It can help to learn more about phobias. This will help you understand what someone might be experiencing. Our understanding phobias page is a good place to start.

Phobias affect everyone differently. Even 2 people with the same phobia might have different symptoms. And different ways of thinking about their phobia. It can help if you take the time to understand how phobias affect the person you're supporting.

Listening to their experience can help you empathise with how they feel.

Take their phobia seriously

It might feel hard to understand why someone has a phobia of a certain situation or object. You might think their phobia is irrational or not a big deal.

But it's important that you take their phobia seriously. Try to understand that their phobia can:

• Cause severe anxiety
• Cause panic and distress
• Affect their daily life

You may not be able to see why they're so afraid of something. But the anxiety and fear they feel is very real.

Find out what helps them

Ask the person you're supporting what they find helpful. You might be able to help them with things like:

• Breathing exercises and other forms of relaxation
• Building up tolerance to their phobia
• Seeking support or treatment
• Managing panic attacks and anxiety symptoms

People with phobias might do things to avoid their phobia. These are called ‘safety behaviours’. They may seem helpful, but they can make the phobia worse.

Safety behaviours can include things like:

• Avoiding things or situations entirely
• Always needing to have someone with them to manage certain situations. Or when they might see certain things
• Having a lot of rules or processes in place to help them avoid their phobia trigger

If you think someone is asking you to support their safety behaviours, it can help to talk to them about it. And see if you can find ways to address the phobia together in a different way.

Let them know if something they've asked you to do feels uncomfortable. But you should be gentle and kind. And try to understand why the person you're supporting feels they need to do these things.

Keep in mind that safety behaviours can take time to stop doing. And they usually need to be stopped gradually. It's not helpful to force someone to stop these things all at once or very suddenly.

Take things slowly

Avoiding situations can make a phobia worse. But overcoming phobias takes time. It can be very distressing if someone is forced into a situation they're not ready for. This can make them more afraid. And stop them from being able to overcome their phobia.

It's important to be patient with them. You should work at a pace that suits them. And try not to pressure them to do more than they feel comfortable with.

• Don't force them to be in a situation that triggers their phobia. If the situation can't be avoided, talk to them about what support they need to get through it.
• Don't test or surprise them with things that trigger their phobia. This won't help them overcome their phobia. It will likely make their fear worse.
• Try not to rush through the steps they need to take to overcome their phobia. Even if they seem small or easy to you.

Support them to seek help

The person you're supporting might need help to seek treatment for their phobia. They might not know where to get support. Or have trouble doing the things they need to do to get support because of their phobia.

You could:

• Help them research treatment and support options in your area. Our page on coping with phobias has more information about treatment. You can find out if your local Mind offers phobia support by using the local Mind finder.
• Help them arrange appointments. This might be useful if they find it hard to use the phone.
• Support them to attend appointments. They might find it helpful for you to go to an appointment with them. Or encourage them to go. You can also help them plan what they'd like to talk about with the doctor.
• Support them with self-care. They might be using some techniques listed on our coping with phobias page. And find it helpful if you can offer support with these. Or encouragement. 

Remember to look after yourself

It can feel challenging to support someone with a mental health problem. You're not alone if you feel overwhelmed at times.

It's important to try to look after your own mental health. If not, it can feel hard to find the energy and time you need to be able to help someone else.

• Set boundaries and don't take on too much. If you become unwell, you won't be able to offer as much support. Decide what your limits are and how much you're able to help.
• Share supporting roles with others, if you can. It's often easier to support someone if you're not doing it alone. Reach out to others if the person you're supporting is comfortable with you doing that.
• Talk to others about how you feel. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help you feel supported too. Try to be careful about how much you share about the person you're supporting.

For more ideas, see our pages on how to cope when supporting someone else. This information gives practical suggestions on what you can do and where to find support.