Tips for coping with self-harm – for 11-18 year olds

How to cope with self-harm

We might feel ready to find ways to try to help ourselves cope with self-harm. Like learning tips to manage urges, or trying out long-term strategies, like creating a safety plan. These can help us to feel more in control.

As well as tips and ideas we can try, this page has information about treatment and support for self-harm, including getting help from other people.

Coping with the urge to self-harm

Sometimes the thought or urge to self-harm can feel just as intense and distressing as self-harming. When we get the urge to self-harm, it can be hard to focus on anything else or to think about other ways to cope.

With time and practice, other ways to cope can start to feel more helpful.

You might find that different things work for you at different times. Or that some of our tips might not work for you. That's okay. Only try ideas that you feel comfortable with.

Be kind to yourself as much as you can. Self-harm does not make you broken or unworthy, it means you are hurting and this will pass – Rose, 16

Tips to distract ourselves and redirect our feelings 

It can be hard to cope with difficult feelings or unwanted thoughts. But there are things we can do to distract ourselves from the urge to self-harm. Some of these tips might help us redirect our urges or the way we feel.

What works best will depend on how you're feeling and why you have the urge to self-harm. For this reason, we have tips for dealing with different emotions. We also have some tips from young people about what works for them.

Tips from other young people 

We spoke to young people who shared their tips for different ways to cope with self-harm.

Tips for delaying self-harm

Instead of trying to replace self-harm with something else, you could try to delay self-harming. This can feel really hard, so try to start with a small amount of time before building up to longer delays.

For example, you could start by trying to wait 30 seconds before you self-harm. If you can do this, next try waiting for a couple of minutes, and then slowly increase the time you wait.

Some people call this ‘riding the wave’, as the urge to self-harm can rise and fall like a wave.

Managing self-harm in the long term

Over time, it can help to understand why we self-harm and find safer ways to express how we feel.

These tips can help you plan how to manage self-harm in the long term. It may be helpful to try them when you're not coping with the urge to self-harm. 

Recognise the feelings behind self-harm

We might feel things strongly or feel things for a long time. And we might not like the way we feel. That's okay.

Sometimes we might use self-harm to try to stop feeling a certain way. But it's important to remember that all feelings have a purpose, like:

• Anger can show our boundaries.
• Anxiety can try to keep us safe.
• Sadness can help us rest or make changes.

Sometimes we don't know how we feel or how to communicate our feelings. So we might be more likely to self-harm to cope.

You could use a feelings wheel to help. Our Emotion Wheels PDF opens in a new tab.

You can also explore these feelings in a safe space with a counsellor or with another trusted adult. Or you could keep a mood diary or journal.

For more information, go to our page about understanding your feelings.

Learn your triggers

Write a list of things that trigger or cause you to self-harm over a period of time, like 1 or 2 months. You could try to record:

• What was the situation?
• Where were you?
• What did you think about?
• How did you feel leading up to self-harm?
• How did you feel after self-harming?
• What could you have done differently?
  

Talk to someone

Asking for help can feel really scary, especially if we're worried that people won't understand or might judge us. But opening up is often the first step to getting the help and support that we need.

It might help to read our information on telling someone you're self-harming.

If you'd prefer to speak to someone you don't know, you could:

• Have a confidential chat with a counsellor by contacting Childline or The Mix
• Look for a helpful organisation or service on our useful contacts page

Just because your injuries aren't so severe you need urgent medical help, that doesn't mean you don't need help.

Create a safety plan

A safety plan can help manage distressing or upsetting feelings. You can use it when you have thoughts about hurting yourself.

You might already have a safety plan if you're getting professional support. But anyone can make a plan.

A safety plan could list:

• Warning signs that you might self-harm
• Helpful ways to cope
• What other people can do to help
• Phone numbers of your doctor or crisis team

You can keep it somewhere that's easy to access, like in your bag, or as a screenshot or file on your phone. Or you could stick it on your wall in a place where you can easily see it.

You can also create a safety plan with an adult you trust, or share your own plan with them. This can help them to support you in a way that works for your needs.

For me after school and nighttime is when my urges are the strongest, so I account for this in my safety plan – Rose, 16

Treatment and support for self-harm 

Getting professional support can help us manage self-harm.

Some of us have good, bad or mixed experiences of getting support. This can affect how we feel about asking for help again.

It can also be hard to look for support for self-harm if we think things aren't ‘bad enough’. We might be unsure if we should get help or when we should ask for it.

You deserve support.

Recognising you need help is a massive step even if you don't immediately seek help – you are actively helping yourself by reading this, even if you're too scared to seek help immediately – Leigh, 18

Visiting hospital 

Sometimes we need urgent help if we've hurt ourselves. We might need to go to accident and emergency (A&E) in a hospital.

If you go to A&E, a health professional should do a mental health assessment with you and tell you what support they can offer. 

If you or someone else is seriously hurt, you should:

• Call 999 and ask for an ambulance
• Tell an adult you trust and ask them to call 999

Going to A&E doesn't always mean you'll have to stay in hospital as an inpatient. 

Support from your doctor 

You can see a doctor on your own. Or you can ask a trusted adult to help you book an appointment and come with you.

If you talk to your doctor about self-harm, they might:

• Ask you questions about how you've been feeling and what's been going on for you.
• Talk to you about ways to stay safe – it might help to bring your safety plan with you to the appointment.
• Refer you to support services like Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS), for treatment and support including therapy.
• Call an ambulance if they're worried that self-harm is a threat to your life, or if you need medical help for injuries.

If you don't feel supported by your doctor, you can ask to see a different doctor for a second opinion. But you may have to wait for another appointment. We have more information about what to do if you have a problem with your doctor.

For more information and tips, see our page on talking to your doctor.

Support from school, college or work

Teachers, school nurses, student support teams and managers are there to look after you.

Your school or college may be able to offer you some support, like counselling. They could also help you talk to your parent, carer, guardian or doctor about self-harm.

If self-harm is linked to a mental health problem or another condition that counts as a disability, your school, college or workplace should make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for you. To find out more, go to our page on understanding your rights.

Therapies for self-harm

Therapy is where you explore how you feel and what you've been through with a professional. You can also learn new skills, like how to understand your emotions or cope with specific feelings or situations.

Therapy for self-harm is usually a form of talking therapy like:

• Dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT)
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
• Counselling
• Group therapy
• Creative therapy 

Support from a counsellor or therapist should be confidential. They'll only share what you've told them with someone else if they're worried that you or someone else could be in danger.

For more information, see our page on confidentiality.

My therapist helped me recognise the root cause of my stress and ways of coping with it, which in turn helped me recover from self-harming – Carys, 18

Online support for self-harm

Some of us might prefer to get support through text services or online forums.

There are lots of organisations that can offer support for self-harm, like:

• Alumina – free online self-harm support for 10- to 17-year-olds.
• Self Injury Support – information and support, including a helpline and text messaging service.
• Childline – message boards where you can speak to a counsellor or chat to other young people.
• The Mix – webchat and email helpline, crisis textline, 1-2-1 online chat and video, webchat or phone counselling service. You can also use discussion boards to talk to other young people.

Staying in hospital

Some of us might need to stay in hospital to get treatment and support for our mental health – we might hear this called inpatient care.

We might stay in hospital if we're a risk to ourselves or others, and need to make sure we're safe.

You can get more information about going into hospital for your mental health on these pages:

• Being an informal patient
• Being sectioned
• Your rights in hospital

What if I can't get professional support?

You might not think you can get support or feel able to ask for help. Or you might ask for help and then be put on a waiting list. Or you might not be able to access professional support for other reasons.

If you can't access support, you could: 

• Use the tips on this page for coping with self-harm
• Use helplines and message boards, like Childline or The Mix
• Create a safety plan, which you can also fill out with a trusted adult
• Get support through your local Mind, which you can find on our map of local Minds
• Find other options on our page about where to look for support

Coping with scars

Not everyone who self-harms will have scars. But if we do, we might experience lots of different feelings about them.

Some difficult feelings might include:

• Low confidence and self-esteem
• Wanting to hide our scars if they're visible
• Feeling upset or distressed
• Worrying about stigma
• A reminder of painful memories

Different organisations offer ways to help us cope with difficult feelings.

• For information on body image and self-harm, especially for coping with warm weather, go to the Mental Health UK website.
• For information on feelings around showing scars, go to LifeSIGNS website.
• For information on how to help some scars fade, go to the LifeSIGNS website.
• For information on stigma and things young people wished they knew about self-harm, read this YoungMinds blog post.

We may also have positive feelings about scars. They might help us remember that we've gone through something difficult and that we can get through it again. Some of us may see this reminder as motivating. 

Scars can also help us to accept our experience. But it can be hard when we see other people with scars. We might compare ourselves, or it might trigger us. This might be harder if we're trying to stop self-harming. But it can help to remind yourself of tips that help you to manage urges. You can read about these kinds of comparisons on this YoungMinds blog post.

Everything is relative – if you feel like there are other people suffering more than you that doesn't make your pain less important, or less painful to you – Leigh, 18

Coping with relapse

If we relapse from self-harm, it can sometimes feel like we have to start over again. But we've already learned so much about what works or doesn't work for us. And we can use this to help us cope.

You could try to:

• Be kind to yourself. You're always learning. And relapse is a chance to learn what ways of coping work for you. It can help to show yourself kindness and care through self-compassion. We have tips for how to be more compassionate to yourself.
• Think back to when you stopped self-harming before. What helped and didn't help last time? Is there anything you can do again now? Or anything you can do differently?
• Try out different tips. We might find tips we used before don't help as much now. Sometimes we might have stopped practising things that help, and we might need a reminder. See if you could try any new tips on this page to cope with self-harm urges now or in the future.
• Tell someone. This can help you make sure you get the right support. It can be hard to talk about, but it's important. You might want to talk to someone you've talked to before, or someone new. Your doctor might be able refer you for different support. Or your teachers can give you some extra help at school or college.
• Remember why you want to stop. This can help keep you motivated to keep working on it. Your reasons might change, and that's okay too.
• Review your safety plan. If you haven't done this already, try to take some time to create a safety plan. It can be helpful to update your plan if things change. And keep it somewhere you can easily find it, to remind you of what helps.