Understanding anger – for 11-18 year olds

What is anger?

Anger is a normal emotion that we all feel sometimes. While anger isn't a mental health problem, it can affect our mental wellbeing.

We might experience anger when we're frustrated, stressed or feel like someone has treated us badly. Sometimes we might find anger unhelpful, but at other times anger can help us.

Sometimes we might not know why we feel angry, and that's okay. Whatever the reason, we can find ways to express anger safely.

Understanding anger is an important part of learning how to manage it.

I can be frustrated and I try not to take it out on other people, but sometimes I can't. I get angry at people and sometimes I get really, really sad for completely no reason – Chantelle, 13

Why might we get angry?

We might get angry for all sorts of different reasons, especially if we're going through difficult experiences or feelings. We often call these ‘triggers’, but it's okay if you prefer to call them something else.

We all have our own triggers for anger. In this section, you can find lists of some triggers which you might relate to.

The anger I felt was mainly due to being misunderstood and vulnerable. I felt like I had to stick up for myself because of such ignorance, but it can be hard to identify at the time – Keara, 17

We spoke to young people who shared their difficult experiences and feelings which led to anger:

If a few things have built up over time, it might be hard to understand why we feel angry. Or maybe something happened that upset us, but we don't realise it's still upsetting us.

We might feel angry for reasons that aren't listed on this page. Or we might feel angry without knowing why.

Discrimination, abuse and bullying

We might feel angry if we experience discrimination, abuse, bullying or unfair treatment. We might also feel angry if we see these things happening in the world, like in the news.

Feeling angry is completely valid and sometimes anger can help us in this type of situation.

Anger can be linked to being bullied, bullying someone else or both. It's not your fault if you're being bullied. And it's not okay to bully other people. We can all find ways to manage anger without hurting others.

People would often just judge me before knowing me, as the way I behaved was very different to others. This led to bullying. I was left out by very large amounts of people and it made me feel hated and angry – Keara, 17

If you've experienced discrimination, abuse or bullying, either online or face to face, you can:

• Report hate crimes in certain areas through Stop Hate UK
• Speak to someone by contacting Childline
• Find useful contacts in the Spark Directory of Support

Discrimination, abuse, bullying and unfair treatment can lower our self-esteem – it's important to find ways to look after ourselves.

Problems caused by anger

A lot of the time, reacting to something with anger can cause problems. Sometimes these problems can be very serious.

Anger can cause problems like:

• Damaging our relationships, like having lots of arguments or getting into trouble
• Taking anger out on ourselves or other people, or thinking about doing it
• Making us feel guilt, shame or regret, which could affect our confidence and self-esteem
• Starting to get out of control and affecting our daily lives, to the point where we feel angry all the time

At other times, anger can help us. Anger can help us when we feel like someone is treating us badly by:

• Making us aware that something is bothering us or doesn't feel right
• Encouraging us to stand up for things we care about, like turning anger into action against discrimination

Feeling angry isn't an entirely negative or bad thing, but more so the way it is handled – Emma, 17

When might anger become a problem?

Anger might become a problem when we can't manage it well and feel like it's getting out of control.

Problems might start if we take anger out on ourselves, which can be a type of self-harm. Or if we take anger out on others, through what we do or say to them.

Anger might become a problem if it turns into aggression or violence. This type of behaviour includes things like:

• Making threats, raising our voices or speaking more harshly than usual
• Breaking or throwing things
• Getting into fights or physically hurting others
• Making others angry or hurting their feelings, whether we mean to do this or not
• Punching walls or kicking things, which can be a type of self-harm

Aggression and violence can scare or hurt people around us. It could make arguments worse. And it could even lead to serious problems, like at school or with the police.

People may judge us or respond to us in a bad way if we behave with aggression or violence. But we might react this way when trying to hide fear or pain. It's okay to feel angry and hurt. But it's important to express these feelings in helpful ways.

If you hurt yourself or others, or if you think you might, it's important to get support.

Anger iceberg

The anger iceberg diagram shows what problems with anger might look like to others ‘on the surface’. But it also shows the difficult feelings or experiences that we might be going through ‘below the surface’.

How to manage anger

It can feel really scary when anger takes over or we lose control in a situation. We have lots of tips for safer, more helpful ways to manage anger in the moment and in the long term.

We also have tips to help if you feel angry online or on messenger, or while at school, college or work.

Don't let anger drown you from being the best version of yourself – Leah, 16

Talking about anger

Telling someone about anger can feel scary or uncomfortable, especially if we find it hard to talk about our feelings.

But if you're finding it hard to manage anger, it can help to talk to someone like a trusted adult. Try explaining that anger has become a problem for you, and that you need some support. You could share this page with whoever you choose to talk to.

For tips on how to talk about your feelings, like anger, go to our pages on:

• Getting ready to open up to someone
• Opening up to other people

There's an element of taboo surrounding mental health, particularly in my culture, so that's a reason for anger – not being able to get the help you need.

Who can I talk to about anger?

It can be hard to know who to talk to about difficult feelings. But there are lots of options for opening up to someone about feeling angry:

• Organisations and services. If you feel worried about telling someone you know or talking in person, try a confidential text or messaging service. For more information, visit our useful contacts page.
• Other young people. Connect with them and share experiences through online forums like The Mix Community Forum and Childline Message Boards.
• Your school, college or workplace. Someone like a counsellor or pastoral support might be able to help. Or you could talk to a teacher or manager who you trust – they might be able to help you get support.
• Your GP or doctor. For information on how to start the conversation, see our page on talking to your doctor.
• Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). If your anger could be linked to a mental health problem, you might get a referral to CAMHS. They could offer therapy or arrange for you to talk to a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist.

We also have information on what you can do if you don't have anyone to talk to and how to support other young people with anger.

In a world that is so full of negativity, it's easy to feel overcome with anger. But there is support out there!