When it was first suggested to me that I do a blog, my immediate reaction was “No, I don’t get on with words”. Which reminds me of my response when I was asked if I was joining a poetry group. “No” I said, “words hurt too much”. However, on reflection, when I see the chest full of my old diaries, I think maybe that this might help.
When I say I don’t get on with words, I think it comes down to laziness and disinterest in the affairs of others. It has been the onslaught of voices in my head for the past 25 years that have caused me to be damaged. As I recover and realize that the voices are part of me, I also find that I am an evil person, because I have the same types of thoughts but they are no longer external but coming from me. But this is not me, so who am I?
I want to be honest, but I get delusional sometimes and when this happens it is difficult to separate fact from fiction. This is why I began to expose my inner core to the world through my songs, like I was the first and only person to ever suffer. I’m sorry I am being too hard on myself. The dark pit, it seems, is never too far away and I must stay out of it as I have come so far.
I try to be scientific about my condition, schizophrenia, and to use the scientific method in coming to conclusions about what I perceive. But all too often I jump to the strangest most deranged conclusions, which have no grounding in truth. This is good; I recognize that I am becoming delusional. It is better to know this, rather than to start following the warped path I sometimes find myself lost on. Maybe I can maintain my ground, get better at controlling the oddities of my reflections.
Things are not as clear-cut as black and white. It is not just shades of grey in-between, but a vast array of rainbow colours. I tried once to categorize the different colours I see, to understand their meaning, but it proved impossible. “You're just seeing auras, Charlie” a friend once told me, but no this is different and not simply my endeavouring to be different. There is something wrong with my perception of the world and I want an answer. I don’t expect I’ll ever get one, but hope that I will be able to live without the upset of my mind being so prominent.
It is great to rediscover words and writing, I have been avoiding them so much for so long. I may even start reading again, as Thomas Tipp states in the American version of the film Vanilla Sky “People will read again!” I want to be one of those people. Thankfully I stopped watching television a long time ago. Just need to take the next step and pick up a book. Words are so important!
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