I worried I wasn’t ill enough to seek help
It was only when Natasha got in touch with her GP and Mind that Natasha accepted that she was seriously unwell.
I was diagnosed with health anxiety in 2019, following 2 major health scares. I accessed the GP, took the prescribed medication and pushed myself to get on with my life. In my head, as long as I could get out of bed and get to work every day, then I was managing well. Using this very flawed logic, I missed all the signs that I was getting incredibly unwell.
In the 9 years in my job as a senior support worker for a homelessness charity, I saw individuals who were unable to work, who were using substances to get through the day, who had been through unimaginable trauma and were struggling to access the support they needed. This was having a major impact on their ability to keep housing. I did what I could, in my professional capacity, to encourage them to access and engage with anything on offer.
“I broke down on the phone and said didn’t know what was wrong, but was terrified I was going to die.”
One morning in 2023 I wasn’t able to get out of bed. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling and contacted the GP feeling very silly. I broke down on the phone and said I didn’t know what was wrong, but I was terrified I was going to die. The GP was sympathetic and made a referral to the primary mental health team. He said that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following my health scares. The issues with my health had come on suddenly, and I was starting to view any aches or pains as an imminent threat to my life. I accepted the referral but felt that I had over-reacted.
I had an assessment with the primary mental health team (PMHT) 2 months later and was expecting them to say I didn’t need their support. I felt like a fraud but wanted to follow through with the assessment as advised by the GP. However, I was informed that I was being put on the waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). They said I wasn’t wasting their time and that everyone is entitled to help for their mental health.
I felt a strange mixture of relief and concern. Relief that there were people who could understand what I was feeling and could help me. Concern that I was taking a place on the waiting list from someone who was in desperate need. I still failed to realise how ill I was at this point.
“My anxiety was centred around death, and my worst fear had happened to someone I loved deeply.”
The turning point for me followed a bereavement at the end of 2023. I couldn’t lie to myself or anyone around me anymore. My anxiety was centred around death, and my worst fear had happened to someone I loved deeply. I was no longer able to pretend that getting up and going to work meant that I was coping. I knew that I needed to reach out for help so I contacted the PMHT to see where I was on the waiting list, and I contacted Mind to see what support they could offer. Again, neither service told me I was over-reacting. They both offered resources to help whilst I was waiting and encouraged me to keep reaching out to my support network.
I also applied for personal independence payment (PIP) during this time following advice. This was probably the worst thing I could have done. All of the encouragement and support I had got from these services was nearly undone following my PIP assessment. They made me feel that I was wasting their time and that I wasn’t experiencing “enough” severe psychological distress. I explained that I woke up every morning with a voice in my head telling me that I would “die today” and that this had a huge impact on my life. However, they used the fact that I was able to stay in work against me.
Work had become my lifeline, my way of making sure I was safe throughout the day. I was able to deal with other individuals’ issues and support them better than I could look after myself. The whole PIP process fed into my original fear about seeking support and taking it away from people who were more deserving.
“I have recordings from my first CBT sessions, and I don’t recognise the person speaking. I sound so broken and scared.”
I started CBT in March 2024. I still have some of the recordings from the first sessions, and I don’t recognise the person speaking. I sound so broken and scared. (I’m currently receiving counselling from Mind where I’m working on being kinder to myself and forgiving myself for not getting help sooner, but the truth is, I wouldn’t have been ready for this help any sooner.) It’s difficult to hear how unwell I was and how ready I was to keep living my life so fearful and devoid of positive emotions. CBT was hard – confronting my health anxiety and PTSD is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. But I’m so glad that I did it. I get less panic attacks, I’m able to rationalise with the voice in my head when I’m unwell or have the odd ache and pain, I’m able to live my life again without constantly looking for escape routes or making sure that I’m always with someone in case of a medical emergency.
I found some of the simplest tools the most helpful and still use them often. Tapping and counting at the first signs of a panic attack, help to pull my focus away from the panic attack and I’m better able to regulate my breathing when I’m not paying attention to it. Reminding myself out loud of the differences in situations is another tool I find helpful. For example, when I get a pain in my stomach, I talk to myself about how the pain differs, about other factors that could be influencing the pain and how it can’t be my appendix (as I no longer have one) so am unlikely to end up in hospital again.
I wanted to write this to encourage other people who feel that they are being dramatic, or taking a place on a waiting list they don’t deserve, to get help when it’s needed.
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