Understanding carer roles and experiences 

If someone relies on you for support to live their day-to-day life, you might be a carer.

We're here to explain what caring is and how it might affect you.

I didn't think of myself as a carer because I associated caring with the stuff people do when caring for somebody with dementia or physical disability.

Am I a carer?

You might be a carer if:

• You support someone with an illness, disability, neurodiversity or mental health problem

• The person you support couldn't cope or live their day-to-day life without your support

• You aren't paid to give this support

Sometimes this is called being an ‘unpaid carer’ or ‘caregiving’.

You might care for a relative, partner, friend or someone else.

Sometimes caring happens for a short time. For example, supporting someone as they recover from hospital treatment. Or the person you care for might need long-term support. You might also be caring for someone who is dying.

You might care for more than 1 person. And you might give practical support, emotional support or both.

You might not see yourself as a carer. This may be because you:

• Feel like it's your responsibility to give this support

• Are expected to give this support, perhaps because of values and beliefs you have in your community, culture or family

• Don't know whether what you do counts as caring

• Have always given this support

• Don't want to think of your relationship this way

• Think you need to have qualifications or training to be a carer

• Have not heard of a ‘carer’ before.

• Don't want to put a label on the support you give

• Also get support for your own health problems or disability

Even if you don't want to call yourself a carer, you can still get help and support.

What if I support someone but I'm not a carer?

Most of us will support someone else with their health at some time in our lives. This does not always make us a carer. For example, you might:

• Live with someone with a health problem who can care for themselves most of the time. Or someone else may be their carer.

• Give support to people in specific situations. Like supporting a co-worker in the workplace. Or regularly checking in with friends in online or gaming communities.

• Have legal responsibilities relating to someone but don't care for them yet. Like being their nearest relative or having lasting power of attorney.

• Have been someone's carer in the past, but they don't need that support any more.

Even if you are not an official ‘carer’, it's important to get the support you need.

Some of this information may be helpful. But our information on helping someone else might also be useful.

What does a carer do?

Your role as a carer might depend on:

• What the person you care for needs and wants

• The health and abilities of the person you care for

• Your own skills, knowledge, health and abilities

• Support you get from the council, healthcare services or other people

• Any legal responsibilities like lasting power of attorney

These things can change over time, so what you do as a carer might change too.

As a carer, you might do things like:

• Practical tasks. Like cooking and cleaning. Or taking someone to appointments.

• Advocacy. This means helping them express their views and wishes. Or making sure they get the care that is best for them. You might do this in appointments. Or when dealing with services on their behalf.

• Personal care. Like dressing and washing. Or helping someone use the toilet.

• Medical tasks. Like giving medication or changing wound dressings. You might also be monitoring their health.

• Managing money. You might help them budget. Or you might be in charge of their money.

• Physical support. Like helping someone get up and down. Or pushing a wheelchair.

• Emotional support. Like motivating them when they feel low. Or giving them other mental health support.

• Managing safety. You might need to be there when they do certain things to keep them safe. For example, being there when someone eats in case they choke.

• Keeping them comfortable. You might do this if you're supporting someone in a lot of pain. Or someone at the end of their life.

• Handling emergencies. You might help them manage safety plans. You might need to call emergency services or take them to the hospital.

• Organising. Like managing appointments, social activities and filling in forms.

These are just some examples. You might do lots of other tasks not listed here.

I love being my daughter's mum but caring can be exhausting. A lot of the work people don't see is the planning, advocating and constantly thinking ahead. Even when you are running on empty, you still have to keep going because someone depends on you.

Caring for someone with a mental health problem

You might be caring for someone with a mental health problem. This could be the only thing they need support with. Or they might have physical health problems as well. Physical health problems and disabilities can also contribute to mental health problems.

Caring for mental health problems can look different to other kinds of caring. Other people might not see the support you're giving. This can be because mental health caring involves tasks that aren't as easy to notice. You might not think it ‘counts’ as caring either.

But remember, if the person you're caring for needs this support to cope, it's caring.

If you care for someone with a mental health problem, you might:

• Manage triggers. Certain situations, places or things might make someone's mental health worse. You might need to help them manage or avoid them.

• Give encouragement. You might need to encourage them to get out of bed, eat, shower or get essential tasks done. If they wouldn't do these things without you, this counts as caring.

• Talk. You might need to talk to someone a lot to keep them calm or manage their worries.

• Distract them. Some people might need distraction to help with their mental health symptoms. For example, if they hear voices or have suicidal thoughts.

• Support them during panic attacks.

• Keep them safe from self-harm and help them treat any injuries.

Sometimes the person you care for may find it difficult to accept they need support. They may push you away or say things that upset you. Their symptoms might make them believe you aren't trying to help them. This can make things feel extra hard.

Our info on helping someone else might be useful if you're in this situation.

Feelings about being a carer

Caring can be very rewarding, but also very hard. How you feel about caring and the person you care for might change over time. It's common to feel complicated, difficult feelings about being a carer.

If you are a carer, you might feel:

• Appreciation. You might really value being able to care for someone close to you. And appreciate the time you get to spend together.

• Love and connection. You might feel that caring brings you closer to the person you care for.

• Strength. Caring can be difficult, but it can show you how strong you are.

• Stress. You might feel stressed at specific times about certain things. Or all the time about everything.

• Feeling alone or lonely. You might have less time to work, socialise or do things you enjoy. This can make you feel very alone. Particularly if you don't feel close to the person you care for.

• Overwhelm. It might feel like there is too much to do. And too much responsibility. It can be hard to be a carer and balance other parts of your life. Like your job, relationships and your own health.

• Anxiety and worry. Many carers say that they feel a constant anxiety about the person they care for. Or you may be anxious about things like money. You might worry you will say or do the wrong thing when caring. Or you might have worries about the future.

• Misunderstood. It can feel hard to tell people about caring. Your life might feel very different to others. And not everyone understands what caring is like.

• Underappreciated. You might feel like the person you're caring for doesn't appreciate what you do for them. Or that other people in your life don't value your caring.

• Trapped. It might feel like you won't be able to stop being a carer. And that it's taken over your life.

• Unhelpful. You might feel like what you do doesn't help much. Particularly if the person you care for is very unwell. You might feel like you should be able to make them better or happier.

• Frightened. It can be scary to see someone who is unwell, dying or hurt. You might be frightened about what will happen to them or frightened for yourself.

• Sadness. There are lots of things that can be sad when caring. For example, you might be sad about the ways the person you care for has changed. Or sad about the future.

• Grief. You might feel grief for the future you thought the person you care for was going to have. If you're caring for someone who is dying, you might feel grief before it happens. This is sometimes called ‘anticipatory grief’.

• Guilt. You might feel guilty about needing a break or finding things hard. Or guilty when you do things for yourself. You might feel you shouldn't enjoy things if the person you are caring for can't.

• Anger and frustration. Lots of things might make you feel angry and frustrated. You could be angry at the benefits system or healthcare providers. You might feel anger towards the person you care for.

• Resentment. You might resent being a carer. Particularly if you feel there are other people or services that should be doing it instead. Or if you feel you're unfairly missing out on other things. Resentment can be a common feeling if you're caring for someone who hasn't shown you a lot of care in the past. Or if they don't seem to appreciate your care.

• On edge or on high alert. You might be worried something bad will happen. Or feel you always need to be ready for an emergency. It can be hard to relax when caring.

• Loss of identity. Caring can take up a lot of your time and energy. You might feel like you don't know who you are when you're not caring. You might not have time to do anything else.

• Unwell. Caring can involve a lot of physical and emotional tasks. This might affect your own health.

• Burnout and exhaustion. All these things can make you feel exhausted and burnt out. You might feel like you can't cope any more. Or that you don't have energy to keep going.

There is support available to help you with these feelings. See our support and self-care tips for carers.

Caring for my mum is deeply rewarding but incredibly tough when everything falls on you. It's heartbreaking watching someone you love decline, wanting to fix things you can't.

Caring and mental health

Caring for someone else can affect your mental health. Many carers experience stress, anxiety, depression and sleep problems.

You might feel you don't have the time or energy to look after yourself and get the support you need. Or your needs might feel less important.

Your mental health might also be affected when you stop being a carer. It can be hard to learn how to become your own person again. If the person you were caring for died, grief might also affect your mental health.

If being a carer is affecting your mental health, there is support available. See our page on support for carers for more information.

Video: Talking about coping as a carer

Watch Chloe, Ally and Kate talk about caring and how they look after themselves.