How to support another young person who self-harms – for 11-18 year olds 

Tips on supporting someone who self-harms 

It can feel hard to know what to do or how to support someone who is self-harming. You're not alone and our information is here to help you.

This page has tips and ideas on how to talk to them, how to support them and how to look after yourself.

Some of our tips might work better for you than others. Or some might feel too hard right now.

Remember to be kind to yourself and only try things that you feel comfortable with.

Signs they might be self-harming

It can be hard to know if someone is self-harming.

Not everybody who's struggling with something difficult will self-harm. Some people who self-harm might try to hide it or might self-harm in places that are hidden. And not all types of self-harm will leave scars or marks.

We should try not to take it personally if we find out that someone we care about has self-harmed and haven't told us. They might not be ready to talk about it yet.

Someone who is self-harming might:

• Feel low or depressed
• Have low self-esteem
• Be angry or easily irritable
• Become closed off or distant
• Do more risky things, like drinking or taking drugs
• Struggle with looking after themselves, like not eating, washing themselves or brushing their teeth
• Have bruises or cuts they try to hide or don't want to explain
• Hide parts of their body that they'd normally show, like when they get changed for sports or dress for hot weather

These might also be signs of relapse. This means someone has stopped self-harming but then started again.

And some of these could be signs of something else, like feeling angry or experiencing abuse. It doesn't always mean they've self-harmed.

But if we noticed something that worries us, or if we're unsure, it's okay to ask them. We have some tips for talking to them about self-harm.

I think seeing a friend struggle is so tricky because there's so many conflicting emotions. I wanted to help her, but also helping her was hurting me, I wanted to tell her parents, but then she would be angry at me – Molly, 17

How you might be feeling

It can be hard to know what to do when we find out someone we care about is self-harming.

We might feel:

• Helpless or isolated, like we don't know what to do, or how to cope.
• Scared or concerned for them, what they might do in the future or how they can get help.
• Sad or upset, like if we feel that it's going to take time for them to feel better. Or we might wish they didn't feel like they need to self-harm.
• Shocked or overwhelmed if their self-harm comes as a surprise to us. We might feel like we can't support them on our own or don't know who to turn to.
• Angry, because we might not understand why they've hurt themselves. Or feel like things are out of our control. For more information, see our page on understanding anger.
• Confused, because we might not know what self-harm is or know anyone who has self-harmed before.
• Guilty, like if we haven't noticed before now. Or we might feel like we could've done more or done something different.

Whatever you're feeling right now is okay.

Tips for talking to them about self-harm

When someone we care about has self-harmed, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to say it.

Self-harm can be hard to talk about. People who self-harm might feel guilty or ashamed. Or worry that others will judge them.

If you can start the conversation, they might feel more comfortable to open up to you. You could have a face-to-face conversation, a phone call or text.

Seeing one of my closest friends struggling so much was so difficult, and it really began to take its toll on me, suddenly I felt anxious all the time and started having panic attacks too – Molly, 17

How to start the conversation

You can try conversation starters, like:

• ‘I know you haven't been feeling so good recently, is there anything you want to talk about?’
• ‘I'm not going to force you to talk, but I'm here if you want to.’
• ‘I've noticed you're acting a bit different lately, is everything okay?’
• ‘I'm worried about you, do you want to have a chat?’
• ‘I've noticed signs that you might be self-harming. Can we talk about it?’
• ‘How are you feeling? Do you want any help?’

If they feel ready to talk

Having a conversation about self-harm can be hard, but it might help to try using our tips below:

• Stay calm and try not to panic. The best thing we can do is listen to them and not rush them. This can feel hard if we're not prepared. Try to remember how difficult it will be for them to open up. It might help to take a breath and pause before you respond. 
• Don't judge them. Don't make them feel bad about self-harming. This will make them feel worse. It can help to understand some of the myths about self-harm that can make us feel judged.
• Take them seriously. Self-harm might be hard for you to understand. But try to respect that it's something they're doing to cope. They're being very brave by talking to you about it.
• Let them know you're there for them. They may worry about how people will react. Your support can be really reassuring. You can talk about what you can and can't do to help.
• Offer to help them find support or talk to a trusted adult. You could offer to be there with them if they want to tell someone or make a doctor's appointment, or stay with them while they're waiting for help. It might not be the right time for them now, but they might take up the offer when they're ready.
• Recognise how they feel. Even if you don't understand why they've self-harmed, listen to how they feel and how self-harm is affecting them.
• Read through our information on tips for coping with self-harm. You could offer to read it through with them. 

Sometimes conversations about self-harm might come up when we feel unprepared. If we don't feel prepared, we might not respond in the best way.

We can feel lots of difficult emotions when someone we care about is hurt. If things didn't go so well the first time, you can try using these tips for the next time you talk about self-harm.

Tips for checking in with them

If we feel able to keep checking in with them about how they feel, this can help them feel less alone.

Checking in can also keep the conversation open and might make them feel more able to open up in difficult moments.

Here are some ideas on how we can check in with them:

• ‘How have you been feeling recently?’
• ‘How have you been doing with self-harm lately?’
• ‘I'm worried about you. Have you hurt yourself again?’
• ‘How are you coping with urges to self-harm?’
• ‘Have you found anything that's helped you?’
• ‘Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to support you with.’

What does and doesn't help?

You might feel worried about what to say to a young person who has self-harmed.

You're most likely doing the best you can, but here are some things to think about:

Think about what kindness looks like, and how you can give that to them. Or how you would want someone to treat you.

If you're unsure, you can ask them how they'd like you to support them.

Here's what other young people said:

Telling a trusted adult they're self-harming

They might not want help from anyone else. But if you think things might be getting worse, they may need support from other people.

Talk to them about where to go for help

Help them understand what their options are and see how they feel about it. You could try sharing our information on treatment and support for self-harm.

Offer to help them talk to an adult they trust

You could write things down for them so they don't forget, or be there with them when they tell someone.

Think about who you should speak to

Sometimes telling certain people might be unhelpful. For example, if problems at home are causing them to self-harm, telling parents or carers won't help. Try to think about who you and the person you're supporting can trust.

Be clear with them about when you'd get emergency help

This might be if they've seriously hurt themselves. They may not like it, or ask you not to, but their safety is more important.

Talk to someone about how you're feeling

You can talk to a school nurse, teacher, doctor, parent or carer, or a counsellor from Childline or The Mix. You don't need to give their details unless it's an emergency.

Help them to make a plan

When you both feel calm, try suggesting that they plan ahead for difficult feelings. Having a plan should make it easier for them to look at and remember:

• What to do if they need help
• Their warning signs or triggers
• Things they can try to help, which they can find in our tips for coping with self-harm
• The best ways to keep themselves and other people safe

They can make a safety plan on their own or with someone they trust. You could also help them, if you feel able to help. And if you feel comfortable, you could tell them about any signs or triggers that they haven't noticed yet.

It might help to keep the plan somewhere that you can both easily find it.

How to look after yourself

Worrying about someone who is self-harming can feel overwhelming. It's important that you take care of yourself.

Here are our tips on how to look after yourself:

• Set clear boundaries. You're not always going to feel able to support them. Like, if you're struggling with your mental health or won't be available at certain times. You could ask the young person you care about to check in with you before they start talking about self-harm.
• Don't take on too much. You might be trying to cope with your own problems as well, or they might need more support than you can give. Be honest with them about how much and how often you can support them.
• Don't go through it alone. Try and encourage them to tell someone else that they've self-harmed. Also, try talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling, like a parent, carer or teacher.
• Read blogs written by other young people. You can find blogs by young people who have supported others through self-harm on the YoungMinds website.
• Look after your own mental wellbeing. Find ideas for taking care of yourself on our page of wellbeing tips.

You could also call Childline or talk to someone at The Mix. 

Young people we spoke to shared tips that helped them to look after themselves while supporting someone who self-harmed:

• Journalling
• Having a support network
• Notice and acknowledge if you're finding conversations triggering
• Seek support through online communities
• Have a list of affirmations to run through when you're becoming stressed about supporting someone else, like ‘I am doing my best and that is good enough’
• Take dedicated time to relax and self-regulate
• Remind yourself that you're not responsible for fixing them