There is life beyond an eating disorder
Isabella thought being skinny would make her happy, but it almost killed her. Here she blogs about choosing the road to recovery.
To this day admitting that I have anorexia nervosa feels wrong. Despite all the treatment I’ve gone through and all the health problems, I still feel like I wasn’t sick enough or that I didn’t deserve treatment. Yet here I am, alive, thanks to recovery.
“Eventually, I quit my job, had to stop driving and stayed in my room everyday with the curtains closed.”
I’ve always had a troubling relationship with food and body image, going from diet to diet and never loving myself. This led to me developing an eating disorder, something that not only impacted my life but those around me. I started to have panic attacks at work, making other people cover my shifts. I was so rude to anyone who questioned my eating, and I didn’t have the energy to communicate with anyone. Eventually, I quit my job, had to stop driving and stayed in my room everyday with the curtains closed.
I was existing, not living.
My eating disorder affected every aspect of my life. I lost my period, I couldn’t have baths due to how painful it was to sit down, I was cold all the time, I could hardly speak, I was so isolated and extremely pale. That’s only a few of the symptoms.
I lost my identity and became known as ‘anorexic’ to my friends and family. Nothing else.
Choosing to enter recovery was such a hard decision, at first I wasn’t making any changes, more just thinking ‘I’ve been referred to Wiltshire Community Eating Disorder Service and now everyone will leave me alone’.
“My mum started to cry, and it was the first time I’d seen how it affected those around me.”
Four months in I was getting worse rather than better. I had a meeting with my mum and doctors about how important it was that I start to make changes. My mum started to cry, and it was the first time I’d seen how it affected those around me. That day I was referred to a virtual day programme service and for the first time started walking forwards, not backwards.
Weight restoration was so incredibly challenging because I hated my weight before my eating disorder so why would I like it now? Yet, as I restored my weight, it all became clear to me. It was about accepting that my weight needed to be at a level where it would allow my body to function in everyday life; to give me the ability to walk, talk, read, go out with my family, see my friends; gain my identity back.
“Acceptance helps me to eat to fuel my body, to wear the skirt because it’s hot out, to walk for my mental health.”
My recovery had nothing to do with me loving myself and everything to do with giving myself the chance to live. I don’t strive for love anymore, I’m working on accepting myself because loving myself came with toxic expectations and extreme actions. Acceptance helps me to eat to fuel my body, to wear the skirt because it’s hot out, to walk for my mental health.
I’m not perfect, I have bad days where I struggle more than others. But recovery gave me the tools to help deal with these negative feelings. I always thought I’d be happier and more attractive skinnier, but the biggest life lesson I’ve learnt is that skinny does not equal happiness.
Letting go of my journey to achieving skinniness gave me back my life. I’m studying with the Open Uni, I see my friends and family more often, I found new hobbies and picked old ones up. I’m still learning so much about myself and am still on the road to recovery, but had I not chosen to walk this road then I wouldn’t be here today, sharing my experience and showing you that there is life beyond an eating disorder.
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