“Slowly, I came up from rock bottom and started to feel like me again.”
After the heartbreaking stillbirth of her son JoJo, Clare explains how charities like Mind and Tommy’s supported her when she was at her lowest.
My husband Ryan and I were overjoyed to discover that we were pregnant back in May 2023. I had the easiest pregnancy, and we were then equally delighted to find out that we were having a boy at our 20-week scan.
However, at 33 weeks I noticed that our baby had stopped moving. We went for a scan, and we were given the awful, awful news that there was no heartbeat. We were beyond devastated. It will always be the worst moment of both our lives.
I was induced 2 days later and gave birth at Kingston Hospital.
"We found out that JoJo had Down’s Syndrome and this is what had caused the stillbirth. He also had a hole in his heart."
We decided to name our son JoJo because that was the bump name we had called him by. Our nephew had come up with it and it just seemed really fitting to use it permanently, instead of the names we had picked out for him as we had always referred to him as that.
At our post-mortem meeting 3 months later, we found out that JoJo had Down’s Syndrome and this is what had caused the stillbirth. He also had a hole in his heart.
At scans, we’d been told that we had a 1 in 5,000 chance of having a baby with a chromosomal condition. We just happened to be that 1 in 5,000.
In the very raw, early days of our loss, I spoke over the phone with a compassionate midwife at Tommy's, the pregnancy and baby charity. She advised me to “keep putting one foot in front of the other”. This really resonated with me at the time and still does. It’s what you must do if you want to survive and see that light at the end of the tunnel.
"Around 8 months afterwards that I downward spiralled and found myself going through a mixed anxious/depressive episode."
In the initial aftermath, I felt like I was coping well and was able to continue with my usual activities. It was only around 8 months afterwards that I downward spiralled and found myself going through a mixed anxious/depressive episode.
I already had experience of it as I have been battling bouts of depression and anxiety since I was 17, so I was pre-disposed to postnatal depression happening anyway. But this was the worst episode I’d been through.
I couldn’t cope with everyday life, I couldn’t wear my usual, nice clothes - doing so just didn’t feel “right”. I could barely eat or sleep and everything felt dark in my mind. I just wanted to cry everyday and lie on the sofa wearing a tracksuit. In fact, it got so debilitating that I had to spend a few weeks in a mental health hospital.
I went to healthcare professionals who prescribed me antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.
I also spoke to mental health talk lines and started therapy. I talked to Ryan and close friends and family members as well who provided me with solid emotional support and were there to listen.
Slowly, with all these factors at play, I came up from rock bottom and started to feel so much lighter and like the “real” me again.
When you’re in such a dark place, some of the best advice I ever heard was to be as “normal” as possible in terms of engaging with your usual daily activities/hobbies as best you can.
The more you do so, slowly but surely, happiness will return.
"Tommy's and Mind have helped me to feel less alone. They’re wonderful communities in clubs no one ever wanted to be a member of."
Some sayings I find great solace in include: “You have survived 100% of your worst days so far” and “Sometimes you have to keep living until you feel alive again”. I really hope these provide hope and comfort for others too.
Tommy's and Mind have helped me to feel less alone, like there is this support system lying in wait for when I really need them. They’re wonderful communities in clubs no one ever wanted to be a member of.
We've been navigating our way through this new, surreal world ever since this trauma, trying our best to recover from it. Life feels exactly the same as before and yet feels so different at the same time.
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