Mind made feel empowered and safe

I had a strong Asian upbringing. My life was sheltered - I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair until I was 17. Then I went to Newcastle University to study English and History and had the best three years of my life. 

There was a lot of alcohol, and looking back now I can see that caused problems. It got quite messy. People don’t often realise that alcohol is a depressant. 

I wasn’t sure what to do with my life. Then I thought of teaching, so I did a PGCE in English. It started off well and I was pleasantly optimistic. 

I loved my first placement. It was an all-boys school. But my second placement was different. There was abusive language - and not just from the kids. I heard some of the teachers making references to my skin colour. 

“I was diagnosed with depression. I felt nervous and anxious, thinking nothing would ever get better.”

I became depressed and stopped eating properly. I would have breakfast and lunch, but as soon as I got home I would go to bed. I’d sleep from half five straight through until the next day. It was a horrible experience. I didn't know what was wrong with me. People weren't really talking about mental health so much back then. 

I became a qualified primary school teacher, but by 2012 I was getting disillusioned. Schools would offer me long-term placements but never a permanent role. 

In 2016 I was diagnosed with depression. I think I’d had it before but hadn’t really got any emotional support. I felt nervous and anxious, thinking nothing would ever get better. They call it the Black Dog. 

Being slim and having my fertility were things that I had always taken for granted. In 2016 I was diagnosed with cancer. There were no warning signs. I went to hospital and found that a cyst had burst. The doctors started talking surgery to remove my appendix and left ovary. 

I felt heartbroken when the cancer came back in 2020 and they needed to remove my remaining ovary. I was basically rendered infertile. I still have my womb and I’ve got eight frozen eggs, but it’s not the same thing. 

“I called up the Mind infoline. They people were lovely, and it gave me someone to talk to.”

The side effects of losing my other ovary were brutal: the mood swings, the lack of confidence, the hot flushes, the anxiety, the night terrors. But because of the cancer, I couldn’t have hormone therapy. 

I called up the Mind infoline a few times, and the people on there were lovely. They signposted me to different services, and made me feel empowered and safe. That meant a lot to me. It was just nice to have someone to talk to that understood. I knew that they were always there and that I could call them if needed. 

Creative writing also helped save me. In 2017 I started writing poetry about the female South Asian experience of living in Britain and my cancer. I didn’t take it too seriously at first, but then I got two collections of poems published. That felt amazing. Writing has been a lifeline for me. 

I’d encourage anyone struggling with their mental health to do something creative - anything that calls to them. Writing might not be for you, but I’d definitely give it a go. You never know where it will take you.