Learning to live again after my sister’s suicide
Content warning: this blog discusses suicide
One year on from Rachel’s death, Jake is starting to find comfort in happy memories
My sister Rachel was loud, funny, full of life, loving and protective before her mental health deteriorated. She loved her son and family and I had a special bond with her. We had arguments, but we never had to apologise afterwards. I love all my sisters fiercely, and I would have done anything to protect her. Last week was the first anniversary of her passing, and the knowledge that she took her own life has left me feeling weak and guilty. As a big brother your duty is to protect your siblings, so the guilt, I am suffering from is an area I’m working on slowly.
Suicide has not only taken my little sister’s future, but it is also trying to take mine away from me. I think anyone who has lost a loved one, especially to suicide, will understand what I mean. I have so much unresolved grief.
“The past 12 months have been exhausting, confusing and traumatising. If I am left with this unbearable pain, I can’t imagine the suffering my little sister was experiencing.”
The moment I found out will haunt me forever. I received a telephone call about Rachel and responded robotically. “Oh, OK,” I said. I then immediately went frantic. I had a panic attack. I had the following recurring nightmare for months – I had stood on an explosive and had survived but my sister hadn’t, and then I got injured looking through the wreckage for her.
The past 12 months have been exhausting, confusing and traumatising. If I am left with this unbearable pain, I can’t imagine the suffering my little sister was experiencing in the lead up of the night.
It has been so difficult for me to accept what happened. There has been a lot of reflecting on the what ifs. The regrets. The pointless arguments. A lot of focusing on negatives in the first 6 months after her death.
“There is no time frame, no rush, no pressure. When I have bad days I remind myself that when I’m feeling ready I’ll attempt a normal day.”
What has helped me is taking things slowly this past year. There is no time frame, no rush, no pressure. When I have bad days I remind myself that when I’m feeling ready I’ll attempt a normal day. And if I go too quickly I’ll end up being poorly myself.
12 months on, I’m finding comfort in everyday events that remind me of her rather than them consuming me with grief. I no longer feel guilty for laughing at things that remind me of her. It helps me feel connected to Rachel. Talking about her and the good memories keeps her alive and still here with us.
Rachel’s suicide has made me think more about everybody else who is struggling in life. It’s totally normal to have struggles in life – they’re what shape us as individuals and strengthen us once we have overcome them. Put small goals into place to try to overcome them. Reach out to someone you can trust who cares about you. In these uncertain times we are having to rely on each other. There is strength in numbers and there is strength in love. We rise by lifting each other. Remind yourself of a time that you struggled before and you managed to overcome it. Give yourself a gentle hug and remind yourself how strong and awesome you are.
“For loved ones bereaved by suicide stick together. It’s not your fault and it’s not your loved one’s fault.”
For loved ones bereaved by suicide stick together. It’s not your fault and It’s not your loved one’s fault. Be kind to yourself, don’t feel pressured, and go at your own pace. Make sure you look after your sleep, your food and be mindful about alcohol intake. I found comfort in support groups online, talking to other families going through the same. Talking is such a powerful tool as is writing down your feelings and thoughts. Simply knowing there was someone who understood the pain I was in was comforting.
We need to start normalising conversations about our feelings and ending judgment and stigma. Poor mental health can lead to bad decision making. Bad decision making results in judgment from others. Judgment instead of support can lead to suicide. Think before you judge someone else. We are all one traumatic life event from poor mental health.
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