‘I felt like a passenger in my own brain.’

Many of my 23 years have been spent feeling like a passenger in my own brain; feeling as if I was slipping away from everyone and everything important to me. In my worst moments, every day felt the same but worse. Being awake was too painful, but being asleep was too scary. 

“I thought my mania was just a good mood. I even played into this by describing my impulsiveness as just me ‘being a Leo’.”

It’s difficult to say what is worse, the mania or the depression. With mania, I’m an untapped genius at the top of my game despite what those around me say. I’m at my peak. Life could never get any better than this. I am innately connected to nature. My mind is so powerful, I can control the future with it. 

For a long time, I thought my mania was just a good mood. I even played into this by turning to astrology for an explanation and describing my impulsiveness as just me “being a Leo”. That is until a therapist picked up this was always followed by soul-crushing feelings of defeat and embarrassment which could take months to shake. I don’t blame my friends and family for not taking my behaviour seriously. After all, we’re not trained to spot the signs of mania despite it being an acute medical emergency rather than just a good mood. 

“With depression, I become convinced that life will never improve; that I am an awful, worthless, unloveable person.”

But what goes up must eventually come down. With depression, I become convinced that life will never improve; I am an awful, worthless, unloveable person despite those around me who say I am not any of those things. My creative brain is nowhere to be seen. I lose all interest in reading, writing and creating art. Every small task feels like an immense, unachievable struggle. 

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 21. Privilege sounds like a strange word to use when talking about a severe mental illness, but I am privileged for receiving my diagnosis relatively early when the average person with bipolar waits 9 and a half years for a diagnosis. People with bipolar are more likely to take their own lives, according to Bipolar UK. Research shows that the two are closely connected – the longer bipolar disorder goes untreated, the higher the risk of suicide. 

When I look back at photos of myself during mania, I hardly recognise myself, I feel sorry for the girl who thought she was having the time of her life before the hallucinations and delusions hit. I’ve had some horrific hallucinations and delusions, including being convinced that there was a gang of birds out to get me. But the worst thing about psychosis is believing I could never trust my own mind when it has tricked me into believing the most horrific things. Even though my hallucinations aren’t objectively real, the terror is just as intense. 

When I was first diagnosed, I was incredibly embarrassed about having bipolar disorder. Over time, I have realised that although stigma still exists, bipolar disorder is nothing to be ashamed of. It is possible to have it and live a fulfilling life. After all, a diagnosis is just learning new information about yourself that helps you take better care of your brain. 

“I had no idea how to cope with it, but the information provided by Mind allowed me to understand my condition.”

One thing that has allowed me to accept my diagnosis is writing about it. This enables me to get all my thoughts out and is a massive stress reliever. 

When I was first diagnosed, I had no idea how to cope with bipolar disorder but the information provided by Mind allowed me to understand my illness and realise that I could still live well with it. 

I spent a long time terrified that I would never get better no matter how hard I tried and although things aren’t perfect now, I’m finally turning a corner, and I see a future for myself in the world. Even the most awful days and moments couldn’t destroy me. I did it – I survived.