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How I learnt to remember Dad in a positive light after he took his life

Wednesday, 29 January 2025 Callum

It’s 10 years since Callum wrote for us about losing his father to suicide. Here he explains why talking about happy memories and supporting men’s mental health have helped channel his grief into something positive.

Ten years ago I lost my dad to suicide. I was 23 at the time and I’ve just turned 34. Nothing could have prepared me for the complex feelings in the days and years that followed. I’d like to share my experiences, in a hope they can console someone who may be at the beginning of their journey with losing a parent to suicide.

“On the 11th August 2014, my dad took the decision to end his own life at the age of 52. The same day as the great actor and comedian Robin Williams. A day I will never forget.”

I often hear the phrase that grief from suicide has the ‘volume turned up’, which couldn’t be more true. The first days and weeks following my dad’s death were ones of confusion and anger. ‘Why?’, was the question I kept asking myself. Was there something I could have said which would have changed his mind? How did I not notice he was struggling mentally?

“In my experience, grief from suicide is unpredictable, impatient and has no timetable. It comes in waves and it’s intense.”

The simple answer is there was nothing I could have done. By continually asking ‘Why?’, I was never going to get the answer I wanted, because the person to answer it is no longer here. I still have to remind myself of that, even now.

In my experience, grief from suicide is unpredictable, impatient and has no timetable. It comes in waves and it’s intense. Over time these feelings of intensity vary. These feelings might rear their head in the form of a song that he liked, a place he liked, or a friend or family member reminiscing about the memories they have of him.

I often feel guilty on the days I don’t think about my dad, even now. I often think of all the things he’s missed over the past ten years. Things like watching his grandson grow up, watching his favourite football team do well. All the things where a dad should be there to enjoy those things with you. There’s always an empty chair and I don’t think I’ll ever stop noticing that.

“I was reluctant to speak about Dad or how he passed away. I felt that by doing so I would bring those overwhelming feelings of sadness to the surface.”

Over time, I’ve learned to reframe these overwhelming negative feelings into positive ones (with much time and help). That doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop missing my dad, or think about him less.

In the days and years that followed my dad’s death, I was reluctant to speak about him or how he passed away. I felt that by doing so I would bring those overwhelming feelings of sadness to the surface. I felt I would open myself up to hearing people’s negative opinions on suicide and mental health. I also felt nobody else could understand what I was feeling because they hadn’t experienced it themselves.

I’ve since made a conscious effort to talk about my dad more often and all the great memories I have of him. My other half never met my dad, but she always tells me she feels like she knows him, due to all the stories I tell about him. We help keep his memory alive through laughter (and tears!).

“I raise money for men’s mental health charities. It gives me enormous satisfaction that I can channel my grief into something positive.”

This has helped me remember my dad in a positive light. It takes the focus away from those dark days which followed after he passed away and remember him for what he was aside from his mental illness - funny, thoughtful, kind and supportive.

I try my best to champion men’s mental health, including raising money for men’s mental health charities (with the help of my local cricket team). I also became a mental health first aider. Both of these things have helped me to understand mental health in more detail and potentially support those who need help themselves. It gives me enormous satisfaction that I can channel my grief into something positive.

Ultimately, everyone has their own way of dealing with something like this and there isn’t a one size fits all approach. I’ve learned to live with the fact that grief will always be an uninvited guest, which I have to entertain whether I like it or not.

I hope that sharing my experiences may help those of you at the beginning of your journey through grief to feel like there is a way out.

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