How I learnt to deal with my PMDD

I was diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder 4 years ago. I had suffered since I was 13, when I first started my period. I didn’t at the time, but now, when I look back, I can see the constant ups and downs, the strong emotional reactions, and the monthly feelings of overwhelm. I was initially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and Post-traumatic stress disorder when I was 17, and again at 22. I did a lot of work on these diagnoses to try to regulate my emotions, but still, every month, like clockwork, I would have 2 weeks where I felt invincible and 2 weeks where I could barely get out of bed or make breakfast without having a complete breakdown. There was so much internal destruction and fear.

“By the time I was 27, my mum began noticing how much my suicide attempts coincided with my period.”

Each month, I would have those 2 weeks where I could plan so much, excel at work, date, and really just live what I saw at the time to be an amazing life. But then the other 2 weeks would come, and all those plans and dreams would start to dissipate. I would begin to panic at the idea of seeing people. The responsibilities from work, hobbies, or friendships I had committed to during my follicular phase the time between the first day of your period and ovulation were now wrapped up in fear, shame and dread, as handed to me by the luteal phase (the time between when you ovulate and when your period starts). It was debilitating to the point of me making a number of suicide attempts.

By the time I was 27, my mum began noticing how much my suicide attempts coincided with the time just before my period. Then, a little while later, my friend gave me a magazine article with someone explaining their story, and boom—it clicked. I just knew this was what I was suffering from. I began to research PMDD. I started to track and break down my understanding of the menstrual cycle and its 4 phases. I went to the doctor, and they prescribed me the Pill, but unfortunately my blood started to clot so I had to come off it. I continued to do my own research while waiting to go to the hormone clinic in London.

“I would exercise, take a cold shower, meditate, and then read affirmations. It was a struggle, but I managed to get through one month.”

Consistency was one of my biggest struggles due to the ups and downs in my mood. In the interim, while trying to get a diagnosis, I began to work on developing a routine. In the early stages of trying to heal, I went to some Mind workshops, which helped me understand some holistic practices for stress management. I also started to focus on my morning routine. I would exercise, take a shower, meditate, and then read affirmations. It was a struggle, but I managed to get through one month. It was hard, and there was still a lot of chaos, but I noticed some improvement. I began to experience a small pause before reacting, and the days became a bit more tolerable. Over the next 6 months, I continued to make small adjustments to my lifestyle while also working on emotional regulation, exploring my mindset and perceptions, and deepening my understanding of my menstrual cycle. 

By the time I received my diagnosis, I was already noticing a lot of changes. My experience getting the diagnosis was very painful. I went in feeling hopeful, wanting to share what I had learned, but unfortunately, I was asked to go on a mood stabiliser. I know these can be helpful for others with PMDD, but I didn’t want to go on this kind of medication because I had already been making significant progress through lifestyle changes, and I wanted to continue that journey. When I expressed this, I was told they didn’t have much else to offer.

This was when I decided to start sharing my experience and trying to bring hope to others. Over the last 3 years, I have continued to connect to my cycle and track it more deeply each month, aligning my cycle with the moon cycle, tracking my exercise performance around my cycle, sleep patterns, social interactions, creativity, and even sexuality. This process has enlightened me to the beauty of my menstrual cycle. I have also had the privilege of helping other women like myself learn about their own cycles and begin to find hope.

“When I feel anxious, angry, or any other emotion that feels intolerable, I don’t fear it. I try to observe it, ride it, and process it.”

I have begun to see my PMDD as a gift. My luteal phase used to be the greatest source of pain, creating destruction and chaos every month that I would then spend the other half of the month cleaning up. It has taken a long time to grieve all those years of chaos and accept that it wasn’t my fault. But now, while I still have challenging months, they are nothing like how they once were.

Now I see my luteal phase as a way to deepen my connection to myself. When I feel anxious, angry, or any other emotion that feels intolerable, I don’t fear it. I try my best to observe it, ride it, and process it. Tracking everything around my cycle has allowed me to understand myself in a way I never could before. It has shown me patterns, strengths, and rhythms that help me navigate life with greater ease. Every month now, rather than spiralling down, I have learnt to spiral up.

You can find out more about how Amy copes with her PMDD at @thefemininerhythm.