Finding strength after loss – Sammiie’s story
Content warning: This story contains references to suicide.
Sammiie, a mum of three, recalls her experiences of mental health and bereavement following her husband’s suicide, and how Mind and Mind in Somerset provided the support she needed.
I met Shaun when I was 18. He was very bubbly and a really smiley person. Everyone knew him. He was a carpenter by trade, but actually worked in a yoghurt factory just down the road. I would always make reference to his big happy smile.
My happiest memory of Shaun was in the year before he passed. We went away to Devon for our anniversary. I have pictures of him pretending to be a mermaid on some massive rocks and videos of him jumping off the harbour into the sea. It was a day full of laughter, silliness and fun.
However, his mental health was always a struggle for him.
“My main focus was keeping him alive, my quality of life didn’t really matter.”
Shaun’s mental health deteriorated quickly after a particularly stressful year. From 2015 to 2019, I was just basically on suicide watch for my husband. He'd had a total of 7 attempts. My main focus was keeping him alive; my quality of life didn’t really matter.
I began to have my own suicidal ideation. Was I the problem? Would Shaun be better off without me? I kept having thoughts of how I would take my own life. Shaun recognised that I was struggling and reached out to one of my friends. The night away gave me some much needed clarity. I never truly wanted to die, I just wanted things to be different.
Shaun died by suicide on his eighth attempt. I remember the day so clearly. There was one point where I just had to walk away. I actually ran into the woods by our house, still in my pyjamas and dressing gown, and just screamed.
It was about six months after Shaun died that I hit rock bottom. I sat on my kitchen floor rocking, crying, struggling to breathe. It was at this point I realised that I needed to get help – to sort this out for the sake of the kids.
“Just because one day you might feel okay, that doesn't mean you didn't love them.”
I called the Mind Infoline when I was looking for someone to talk to. I'm aware of trauma dumping, and felt I was sharing too much with my friends and family. I wanted to talk to someone who didn't know anything, so I could be really honest about how I was feeling.
The person I spoke to on the phone was welcoming. I felt so comfortable and not judged at all, which was so important for me, especially with my anxiety. They put me in touch with my local Mind in Somerset which I’ve used endless times for emotional support.
Whatever the interaction, whether with national Mind or my local Mind, I’ve always come away in a better headspace. If it was a particularly emotional one, I’d make sure that I had a good cry. Sometimes I think we need to give ourselves that permission just to sit and cry.
The support meant that I felt like I could start to move on with my life. It's challenging navigating through loss. but it's having the understanding that it's okay to feel all the emotions. Just because one day you might feel okay, doesn't mean you didn’t love the person you have lost. It's equally okay to feel anger or even relief when you've been bereaved. The important thing is to honour how you feel.
Mind is a place for me to go to no matter how I'm feeling. I know that I can go to the Infoline, or the website and find support, whether for myself or for someone else. I also just love being able to go to a local mind and know that there's always support there . I've never gone to anything Mind related and not felt supported. It’s a testament to their ethos and what they stand for.
“Just because it's a festive time and happy for some people, it's not for others.”
I hated the first Christmas without Shaun. But I'm very lucky to have the most fantastic family, and they gathered around so we wouldn’t be on our own. They completely spoiled the kids, which is everything I would have wanted. It meant that I could be left with my own emotions and get through that day step by step.
Christmas now is very much about fun and family. We always find a way to incorporate Shaun into the day, whether through food or photos. His favourite food was cheesecake, so we always have a strawberry cheesecake to remember him. There are times during the day, when family are around, where I can kind of take a bit of a backseat and let the family take over. It helps me stay calm.
People should support Mind this Christmas because I know first-hand what it's like to paint on that smile and pretend everything's fine. The reality is, you could be in a room full of people and still feel so isolated. Mind can offer so many different services to help people feel less alone.
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