How to support another young person with anger – for 11-18 year olds

Tips on supporting someone with anger

It can feel hard to support someone who feels angry. Especially if they're acting angry towards us, other people or themselves.

It's not our responsibility to manage someone else's anger for them – we're all responsible for our own actions. But this page has tips on how to support another young person when it feels safe for you to help.

Some of our tips might work better for you than others, and some might feel difficult right now. Remember to be kind to yourself and only try things that feel safe to you.

I can discuss things with my friends regarding their own triggers, and how I can help ensure these don't get in the way when I am with them.

Listen to them

Whatever they're going through or feeling, they might need someone to be there for them and listen. This can help them feel understood and supported.

You might be able to offer a different point of view or way of seeing things.

You could also support them to find someone else to listen. Try sharing our tips on:

• Opening up to someone
• How to talk to a doctor

It might look like anger when they're behaving with aggression or violence, like shouting or hitting things. But they could be experiencing other difficult feelings, too.

Anger doesn't just have 1 cause and it can be a result of many different struggles or feelings – Leah, 16

Try to stay calm

Trying to keep yourself calm while someone else is angry can feel hard – you might be experiencing difficult feelings, too. But if you can stay calm around them, it might help with their feelings of anger.

If you can, try to:

• Take a breath before you say something
• Pause before you say something
• Not talk louder than you normally would

If you're finding it hard to stay calm around the person who is angry, you could:

• Agree to take a break from the situation until you're both calmer
• Leave and find a calmer, safer space to go

It can feel hard to stay calm or manage the situation, especially when both people are feeling triggered and struggling to effectively diffuse the situation.

Help them find space

Helping someone find their own space might help them cope better with anger. This might be harder if you live together, but you could try to:

• Suggest that they go for a walk or go outside for a moment
• Find or suggest a quiet place they can go
• Go into separate spaces to give yourselves time away from each other

If you're finding it hard to think of how to suggest this to them, you could try saying:

• ‘It might help to go for a walk or spend a few minutes outside?’
• ‘It's noisy/crowded in here. Let's try and find a quieter place.’
• ‘It's not helpful when we both feel like this. We should have some time away from each other until we feel calmer.’

When you're both calm, you can plan ahead about how to have these conversations, or where to go when they feel angry.

I don't have to manage someone else's anger, but I can help to support them in a healthy and safe way – Emma, 17

Set your own boundaries

Think about what behaviour doesn't feel okay to you – we all have different limits. Sometimes we call these types of limits our ‘boundaries’.

A boundary might be something like:

• ‘I don't want to talk about this right now with you.’
• ‘I don't like it when you shout. If you keep shouting, I will have to leave.’

Try to make a plan for what you'll do if the person you're supporting crosses your boundaries. You could do this together when you both feel calm and able to talk about it.

Remember: it's not all on you, and it's important that you look after yourself too.

Share information with them

Sharing information could help them understand what they're going through and give them ideas to help.

When you both feel calm, you could show them our pages on:

• Understanding anger
• Tips for managing anger

Help them to make a plan

When you both feel calm, try suggesting that they plan ahead for difficult feelings, like anger. Having a plan should make it easier for them to look at and remember:

• What to do if they need help
• Their warning signs of anger
• Things they can try to help themselves feel calmer, which they can find in our tips for managing anger
• The best ways to keep themselves and other people safe

They can make a safety plan on their own or with someone they trust. You could also help them, if you feel able to help. And if you feel comfortable, you could tell them about any signs or triggers of anger that they haven't noticed yet.

It's helpful to keep the plan somewhere that you can both easily find it.

Anger can sometimes be unpredictable, so things may not always go to plan. A flexible plan may be better – Emma, 17

Take care of yourself

Supporting another young person with anger can be difficult. It's important to take care of yourself and look after your wellbeing.

We spoke to young people about how they look after their mental wellbeing while supporting someone with anger:

Tips if you feel unsafe when someone is angry

When another young person seems angry, it doesn't always mean that they'll act with aggression or violence. But if you feel like this could happen, the most important thing you can do is make yourself safe.

Firstly, try being aware of changes in their behaviour. You might notice their behaviour becoming aggressive or violent. You might find that the tips you've tried to help the situation aren't working anymore.

If you start feeling unsafe after noticing any changes, try these tips:

• Don't confront them. Try to avoid getting into an argument or questioning them on their behaviour.
• Move away. If it's safe to do so, you could go to a different room or go out to visit someone else, like a trusted adult or friend.
• Tell a trusted adult. Tell someone you trust, like a teacher, youth worker or doctor, about their anger. You can talk to them as soon as you feel worried – even if nothing serious has happened yet.
• Find support. You can contact Childline to talk confidentially to a counsellor on 0800 1111 or through the Childline website. For more organisations who can support you, see our useful contacts page.
• Call 999 if you or someone else is in danger. Call the police if it's an emergency. This can be hard to do and might bring up lots of difficult thoughts and feelings. But everyone involved in the situation deserves to be safe.

Supporting someone can be difficult and you should not, by any means, be expected to put up with abuse or violence.

What if they don't think they have a problem with anger?

It can be hard if they don't think they have a problem with anger, or they don't want to get help. Try to remind them that feelings of anger will pass, and support is there whenever they're ready.

We spoke to young people who shared their tips on supporting others who don't think they have a problem with anger: