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You tormented me and my thoughts: A letter to depression

Monday, 27 April 2020 Chloe

Chloe writes an open letter to depression, which almost stole her life but has ultimately left her stronger.

Dear Depression,

You stole the colour from my world, slowly to begin with and then eventually all at once. You left me in a world where everything just looked grey. Like there was no purpose. You left me with no will to continue, with a dull aching pain in my heart whilst I looked into the eyes of my friends and family and as an immediate stinging pain of tears arose, I tried to remember how to love them. You started consuming me in a way that made it difficult to describe.

You tormented me and my thoughts, you encouraged me to cause great harm to myself

You tormented me and my thoughts, you encouraged me to cause great harm to myself, and even when you could see the emotional pain I was in, even when you watched as I could no longer bring myself to smile, even when I was sat on the floor broken, desperately wishing the pain I was in would come to an end, even when I was in hospital fighting for my life, depression, you still showed no remorse. 

You threw me in a vast ocean expecting me to drown, yet I began swimming. The waves you put in my path took me, and the person I was, and threw me against the rocks time and time again. Your angry storm left me battered and bruised. At one point I began drowning like you so wished, to the point I didn't want to be saved. I began not recognising who I was, I was beginning to turn in a shell of a person. Everyone, including myself had lost hope.

Oh Depression, did you really think you would win?

I began using you as fuel to find the light in the world again, to find the colour that you took from me

I began using you as fuel to find the light in the world again, to find the colour that you took from me. I began using the pain that you caused me, to help stop others falling for your deadly torment. So I get it, you are a little angry… you believed you had won but I told you otherwise. The mountain you assigned me taught me lessons I would never have learnt had I not battled the last nine years of my life with you. You showed me what it truly meant to appreciate the world, the sun, the beautiful sky, the sound of the rain as it hits the window. You made me appreciate the feeling of wellness, of just waking up in the morning and being able to breathe. You taught me that your storm was not there to break me, but to strengthen me. You made me realise the good I could do in the world just from being at war with you for many years of my life.

Depression, your deadly sting put me on a different path, but It's a path I am grateful for. I am grateful for the wounds you caused me, because you showed me I could survive anything.

So let me thank you for nearly costing me my life, because now I am empowered by sharing my story of how I made it through your toxic storm. Now I have the experience to help others stop letting you consume them.

I may face you time and time again, but this is a war you will never win. I am stronger than you.

I may face you time and time again, but this is a war you will never win. I am stronger than you. You will never control me in the way you used to, you will never make me forget who I am. You may challenge me, but my hopes, aspirations, dreams to make a difference are bigger than you will ever be.

Chloe

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