OCD nearly destroyed me
Molly always thought Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was about cleanliness and organisation till she started to believe she had done terrible things.
Content warning: This blog discusses OCD themes around paedophilia and some people may find it distressing.
Like many other people, OCD was something I had heard of as an adjective to describe someone who was obsessed with cleanliness and organisation. I am messy, chaotic and disorganised, so I never considered I may have the disorder even as I answered exam questions on the symptoms of OCD in my psychology A-level!
When my fears in childhood over death and danger then shifted at 15 years old to fears about whether I was a paedophile, my world turned upside down. It felt like I had been taken over by something outside of myself. Every second I was awake or asleep, I was ruminating on all the awful things I could do or be.
“I was 15. I was not a paedophile or a rapist, or a murderer or a psychopath, I had a disorder.”
The thoughts expanded from the typical ‘what if’ nature of intrusive thoughts, to graphic images, memory checking and constantly scanning for new things to obsess over and check to ensure I wasn’t a danger to anyone.
I was 15. I was not a paedophile or a rapist, or a murderer or a psychopath, I had a disorder that made my perception of danger and uncertainty disjointed.
My favourite analogy helps describe the difference between an OCD and a non-OCD brain. Most people lock their door, walk away, and might briefly wonder, “Did I lock it?” They check once, see it’s locked, and then move on with their day.
Someone with OCD can check the lock and know they locked it, but as soon as they walk away, doubt comes in. They start thinking, “What if I didn’t check properly?” or “What if it’s actually unlocked?” So, they go back and check repeatedly.
Even after checking several times, the doubt doesn’t go away for long, and they still struggle to feel certain the door is locked. This brain pattern is the same with everything for someone with the disorder, so even though you may logically know you are not a monster or agree with the intrusive thought you had, you must keep checking to be sure.
"I had always been an open and emotionally available person, but this silenced me. I believed the options were either to die or go to prison."
There is no way of proving that anything in life won’t happen, and for the OCD brain that is too much to bear. It took me to a dark place very quickly, and I will never forget how alone I felt. I had always been a very open and emotionally available person, but this completely silenced me. I believed the options were either to die or go to prison.
Then one day, years of nausea, anxiety and pain slowly began to lift when I found a TikTok about intrusive thoughts. This video led to me gradually researching and learning about what OCD truly is.
I started to read about how OCD actually presents, what intrusive thoughts can look like and how their meaning differs for people with OCD. Even then my mind was still going ‘Maybe you’re different, and you’re just a monster’, which is further evidence of my OCD.
OCD refuses to accept uncertainty, technically in life anything in life could happen and humans can be anything. For neurotypical brains that is a part of life you accept, for someone with OCD that possibility feels too strong and must mean something.
"Seeing how many people have endured the same experience as me has greatly supported my progress in recovery."
Learning that what I had been experiencing was a common and generally misunderstood disorder was the breakthrough I needed. I began therapy and got a diagnosis almost seven years after it had taken over my life; far too long to suffer in isolation, but sadly this is the case for many others.
I am now an OCD advocate and content creator spreading awareness on the darker realities of the disorder. And seeing how many people have endured the same experience as me has greatly supported my progress in recovery.
I have learnt to understand and accept the way my brain works, realising my OCD is a neurodivergence. My brain will always throw me warped perceptions of reality and danger that it wants me to try to figure out.
"I see these thoughts for what they truly are now. In trying to protect me and understand the world, my brain has just been getting it wrong."
The difference now is through therapy, time and understanding my rational brain is back in use. I have identified the pattern of my thoughts and can recognise them for what they are. They will try to lie to me with new disguises, a new memory to unpack, a new bodily sensation to fixate on or a new scenario where I could have felt something I shouldn’t have.
But I see these thoughts for what they truly are now. In trying to protect me and understand the world, my brain has just been getting it wrong. Understanding how my brain operates, has allowed me to get a hold on my disorder.
If I hadn’t had the support system I had at the time, I don’t think I would have survived my OCD. I am eternally grateful that I didn’t believe the cruel lies my brain was telling me.
For many people, the outcome is devastatingly different. OCD destroys more lives than we realise. My mission is to keep spreading awareness for those who have tragically died believing they were monsters. I hope to change the misconception of OCD as merely a cleaning obsession. It obstructs people’s lives and takes people’s loved ones.
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