Why South asians like me sometimes have to suffer in silence
In South Asian Heritage Month, Jevanjot Kaur, who has bipolar, explains how she tackled the stigma attached to mental health in her community.
I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2007. My trigger was when I had my first child. The situation deteriorated when I came home from hospital and experienced psychosis. After being admitted to a mental health hospital I became paranoid. I was on my own, and I didn’t understand why I’d been put in hospital or taken away from my baby. I was later moved to a specialist mental health mother and baby unit and reunited with my child. Interventions took place, I started medication, and my mood began to improve.
“Because of the taboo, people in our community often remain silent about mental health conditions such as bipolar.”
Mental health is still stigmatised in the south Asian community. It can be seen as a consequence of black magic or karam (consequence of past life). This stigma often stops people getting the support they need, which means they may suffer in silence. Some of my relatives had a fear of mental health problems. They often worried about whether individuals would get better or “back to their normal self”.
Because of the taboo, people in our community often remain silent about mental health conditions such as bipolar. They fear what people may think. My mum use to say “Why did it happen to you and not your cousins?” It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “You won’t get married with a mental health condition”.
Of course, this is untrue. I have a husband, and he has been hugely supportive, although he does feel he himself got little support as a carer. Even though family were around he still felt alone. Again this goes back to the idea that, so few people are happy talking openly about mental health in our community. My husband struggled with my mental health and didn’t have anyone who would understand his situation.
“I asked my husband to address bipolar as ‘when you weren’t yourself’. This wording seemed kinder to me.”
Bipolar can have an effect on relationships. We went for couples counselling by Relate to help us communicate better, because we wanted to make the relationship work. One vital lesson we learnt is simply to enjoy each other’s company.
This is so important as it’s easy to get sucked into the condition and symptoms without seeing the bigger picture. For me the term bipolar disorder is a negative label because of the word ‘disorder’.
Sometimes I felt that I was blamed for having the condition. So I asked my husband to address bipolar as “when you weren’t yourself”. This wording seemed kinder to me. These types of feedback were important in building our relationship. Praising and following this up with the reason why was an important part of communicating with each other.
We focused on the positive, and experiencing nice things together such as, date nights, spa breaks, lunch, going for coffee or walks together, all of which strengthened our relationship.
“Over time, with understanding our extended family became more supportive by looking after our children and allowing us to take few day breaks.”
A mental health charity visited and talked to my extended family about bipolar, coping strategies and how we can support each other as a family.
Over time, with understanding our extended family became more supportive by looking after our children and allowing us to take few day breaks and go to a spa. With bipolar, having a good support network of friends and family that you can trust, can really help your recovery.
Outside support from organisations, such as Sikh Helpline UK, was also helpful when I needed someone to talk to straightaway.
I started to recognise early warning signs of a relapse and got to know what my triggers were and learnt how to monitor them.
“I try to put things in place to prevent relapses. I check in every day with myself to see how I feel emotionally whether I am overwhelmed or related.”
There have been relapses, particularly when my parents passed away and when I had my second child. I had terrible negative thoughts that affected me on a day to day basis. I lost my passion for food and cooking, which was a huge challenge because I had always enjoyed creating new dishes with vibrant colours and tastes, and I had a passion for making different dishes. When I couldn’t do these things I felt I was neglecting my family, which made me feel even worse.
After a recent episode, negative thoughts escalated, and I became suicidal. I didn’t contact any friends or extended family for over a year. They were worried for me because it was not in my nature to withdraw like this. Life was tough, but I managed a breakthrough. I spoke to a close friend. After the conversation I felt reassured, and I put on some lipstick.
From then on, I wrote down every positive thing I did, whether simply combing my hair or helping cook a meal with my mum. This was my road to recovery, along with cognitive behavioural therapy, which taught me the importance of understanding myself better by slowing down and journaling my thoughts. I also had to learn to become self-compassionate.
Now I try to put things in place to prevent relapses. I check in every day with myself to see how I feel emotionally whether I am overwhelmed or relaxed. Self-care is so important. I put alarm reminders to take breaks and do some mindfulness or meditation. I have realised that I need to put less pressure on myself to get things done. For example, I’ll tidy one room at a time rather than the whole house in one go.
With bipolar you may feel you are not yourself, but remember an episode is not going to last forever. You have to believe that you will get through it, and that everything happens for a reason.
Don’t be afraid of your diagnosis. Just try to be open to get support you need.
Over time both me my husband and family have learnt more about the condition, and our family continues to be supportive. This type of mental health support keeps families together and makes a big difference to mental health in the south Asian community.
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