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A letter to depression

Tuesday, 24 May 2016 Antalia Terblanche

Antalia shares a personal letter to depression.

Dear Depression,

I know it has been a while since you last popped by to see me, but I do think about you. Everyday in fact. Every time I wake up in the morning and reach for my tablets, I think of you. Every time I see my friends asking how I am feeling, I think of you. Every time I go and get my next prescription from the doctors, I think of you. Why won’t you just go away?

There was a time where we were close; where you would wake me up from my sleep – killing my dreams and turning them into nightmares. Bad dreams. Suicidal dreams. You poisoned my family, making them suffer. The house for years was black. Swallowed up in complete and utter darkness. They could do nothing to save me, but watch me crumble into my pit of darkness…but, that was where you wanted me, wasn’t it? You wanted me to be trapped. To give in every time I eat a meal to retreat to the toilet. You wanted me to feel alone…you made me lose my friends. They didn’t like you. They didn’t like what you made me become. Honestly, you did a pretty good job of making me sad…but not good enough.

Yes, it has taken time and yes it has been a struggle, but I feel you slowly slipping away. I can eat now without thinking of regret. I can sleep now without being scared. I can wake up everyday and not see my family’s worried looks on their faces wondering if I am okay. I am alright. There are the occasional times where you pay me a visit. I forget what it felt like to be close to you, how small you made me feel and how much I did not want to be here…but I am here now, and I am here to stay. You however, will not.

I am just writing to remind you that I will beat you. I will conquer the quest you have set to trap me back into the shadows, but I am stronger now. My willpower to be happy is greater and my want to live is so strong that I dare you to put me to the test! Next time you knock on my door, when you bring me the next dark cloud to pour its filth to dampen my happiness, you will not be welcome.

So, Depression. I hope you know now how I feel. I hope you realise that you no longer have control over me, or others. You can laugh now and think that you have other people to infest and minds to destroy, but we are getting stronger. You are no longer a taboo subject in the world – you are identified as an illness. We have doctors to prescribe us medication to help kill you off. We have councillors to help tear us apart from you. We also have willpower. You best be scared of willpower for it is growing greater my old friend. I suggest you take my advice and leave me and everyone else alone. Your unhappiness and grief are not wanted! You want to fight, good luck…because we will not let you win.

Yours sincerely, faithfully and finally free,

Antalia Terblanche

I hope this has helped those of you suffering from depression realise that you are not alone and that there are people willing to help. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and as cliched as this sounds, it is the truth. With the right help, the right mental state and the right mental attitude, depression will turn away from you. Do not let it become you! Good thoughts and happiness to you guys out there.

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