My post-abortion trauma

It started with a pregnancy, one that was unexpected to say the least. I had gone on a date with somebody that I didn't know particularly well but we had been talking online and I thought he seemed like a nice guy. One thing led to another and I woke up the next morning unable to remember the night and unsure of what had happened. I know that he came back to my house but everything else is a blur. However one of the memories I do have from that night is of me saying "I don't want to have sex with you."

"As far as I knew I hadn't had sex and everything was fine."

Fast forward a few weeks and I am overcome with worryingly 'pregnancy-like' symptoms: nausea, vomiting, fatigue and food aversion. After seeing my doctor, speaking to my mom and even pharmacists the general response was "are you sure you're not pregnant?” To which I would laugh and say "chance would be a fine thing!"

However the symptoms continued and worsened and after having time of work when the morning sickness was particularly bad I realised that enough was enough. I would take a pregnancy test for peace of mind.

"I never expected to read a positive result."

I took another test and another test each reading the same horrifying result. How could I be pregnant? I hadn't had sex? Had I?

For me, mild depression and a general sense of unhappiness was already something that was deeply ingrained in me that it was almost taken to be part of my personality. However I was now spiralling into a depressive, anxiety filled state like nothing I had experienced.

I was extremely shocked and had a sense of being completely out of control, which combined with my fluctuating hormones led to what I am now able to identify as anxiety.

Straight away I knew that there was no way I would keep the baby. I assumed that because I was so certain on this decision that the procedure itself would be a relief for me. I was told at the clinic time and time again that "most women feel a sense of relief."

"However, once the abortion had been carried out I was left with this horrible feeling of what now?"

I had never questioned the morality of abortion before but when it comes to your own body you start to think about things differently. I was left with more questions that I could possibly answer and a sense of disbelief due to the complete shock of being pregnant.

I carried on going to work as normal but found myself feeling trapped in the office, experiencing, shaking, chest pain and at its worst a sense of being outside of my own body. I was completely unable to function, I didn't care about anything and people at work had started to notice. It was at this point that I decided to leave the job.

The depression became my only friend in a time when I felt increasingly isolated. I would come home get into bed and stay there until the next day, with just my spiralling thoughts for company.

"I was unable to do anything that I once enjoyed, I couldn't even perceive of the concept of enjoyment."

The worst part was that I didn't see a future and felt increasingly suicidal.

It was then that I decided to seek help. My GP is someone that I have been seeing for many years and so she noticed the change in me straight away and referred me for counselling. A few weeks later I went back as I would have to wait 12 weeks for the counselling and knew I wouldn't make it that far if I carried on as I was. So she prescribed me antidepressants which I have been taking ever since.

My experience with my GP was extremely positive and I have been seeing her fortnightly and she has been a massive source of support for me. I know that others are worried about speaking to their doctor and seeking help after hearing horror stories about some people's experiences. However not all doctors are the same and I really want to stress the importance of persevering until you find that doctor that understands you.

For me, the medication has been life changing. I feel like I have been given a new lease of life and I know that there is a stigma surrounding medication but again, everyone is different and if something works for you then keep doing it.

I am still very much dealing with the aftermath of what happened, however I am getting there.

"I can see a future which is something that I didn't believe I would ever be able to say."