My battle with bipolar and medication

Six years ago my life changed dramatically.  I was working towards one of my ambitions, to go to South America. I had booked to go on an overland tour during the summer holidays as I worked at a school.

I was very passionate about my job. Looking back I think I was working too hard, work was taking over my life and I could not close my eyes at night without thinking about it. I recognised that I was becoming stressed and this built up so much that I could not sleep properly. I did not sleep for four nights. I can remember racing to my Mum and then to my sister and then to my friend. I was crying out for help but did not have the words to ask for it.

It got to a point where I was becoming paranoid and had the most disturbing thoughts involving those closest to me. I was scared and frightened and started to become delusional. At this point, my friend took me to see my doctor. She prescribed me some sleeping tablets, but still I could not sleep. I was becoming manic; my thoughts were completely abnormal and I was starting to believe things that were not real.

The following morning the crisis team came to visit me. My next memory was looking out of a window watching some rabbits in a hutch. I had no clue where I was, I knew no-one and my mind was racing. I eventually became so manic that I had to be pinned down by four people who stuck a needle in my bottom. The next few days were a complete haze. One thing I can remember is not being able to lift my head off the hospital bed and drooling like a boxer dog.

Eventually, they found the medication that suited me and I got better over a period of time. I was told that I had been sectioned and my Mum and Dad also had to break the news to me that they had cancelled my trip to South America. I broke down, I had lost my dream.

I returned home after three months. I had no life in me and felt totally deflated. I finally went back to work, but my confidence had been knocked sideways. I put on four stone due to my medication and battled every day to build my strength. I felt a different person and became very depressed.

I pushed and pushed myself to become stronger and eventually bounced back after about two years. I lost the four stone that I had put on and was in such a good place that I decided to come off my medication...

I had another manic episode and ended up back in hospital, sectioned again. This time, I stayed there for two months and went back on my medication. Eventually, after going through the same process as before, I went back to work and had to build my strength and confidence all over again. This time I put on five stone and became very unhappy. In November 2011 my parents insisted that I left my job and moved back home with them.

I was diagnosed with bipolar. This was very difficult news to take in because I suddenly had a ‘label’. I had a mental health problem. I chose to disbelieve my diagnosis and challenged it at every opportunity.

A year ago, I made the decision that I would try to come off my medication again. I wanted to be in control of myself. A few months later, I started to become aware that something was not right within me. My sleep was becoming erratic and I was becoming paranoid.

This helped me to come to terms with the fact that I have bipolar and that there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I now take my medication every day. I may never be out of the woods, but I hope that by taking one tiny pill every day it will increase my chances of never visiting that dark place again.