I bottle up my anger until it all bursts out in one big explosion, and then I feel awful.
Assertiveness is an attitude of mind and a way of relating to others. An assertive person values him- or herself and others, seeks respectful communication with others, yet at the same time is able to set boundaries and protect themselves from exploitation, attack and hostility.
Asserting yourself means:
Health Promotion
Obstacles to honestly expressng yourself in a confident manner, whether because you don't allow yourself to or because something else prevents you from doing so, can lead to other emotional difficulties. Relationships (both personal and professional) become strained because you can't communicate your needs clearly and voice the effects of other people's actions on you; you become resentful at the lack of control in your life or believe people aren't listening to you, which can lead to depression, anxiety and stress; anger and frustration can build up and turn into outbursts of temper.
I have asthma, so when my partner smokes at home I have difficulty breathing. But I don't like to ask him to stop – after all, it is his home too!
Aggression is the desire to invade another person's space and exercise power over them. Aggressive people are concerned with winning the argument or getting their own way, regardless of other people's feelings and opinions – they see only their own needs as important. Aggressive behaviour usually comes in the form of anger and stress.
Passivity is the opposite of aggression. It is sometimes called 'victim behaviour'. A passive person usually tries to avoid any type of conflict or argument, not feeling they have a right to express their needs, feelings or opinions, as they view them as less important than other people's. Passive people often find it difficult to maintain eye contact and are hesitant when speaking.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is another way to avoid direct conflict. Passive-aggressive people usually can't express what they really want, and may feel that others are to blame for their situation or lack of control over certain aspects of their lives. They may feel very angry or upset inside, but instead of being outwardly aggressive, they may try to confuse others with ambiguous answers, sulk about something they are unhappy about or not complete a task they need to do, as a form of protest, punishment or control.
Assertiveness is an entirely different attitude to the above roles. Assertive people claim their own space, set their own boundaries to it, and are prepared to defend it – but they don't seek to invade anybody else's. They don't try to control others, nor allow others to control them. They claim the right to express their opinions and ask for what they want, while being prepared to come to a reasonable compromise. Assertive people look for a 'win-win' situation for all those involved, rather than for just themselves – this may mean that compromise is needed, but that a decision has come about because everyone involved has been shown respect and had the time and space to put their views across.
Note: Not everyone falls easily into one of these categories of behaviour. Like most people, your behaviour may vary with different people or situations. However, it’s important to recognise when you are behaving in a way that isn’t constructive and to think about what might be triggering that behaviour.
Many people may not be familiar with the attitude 'I matter; you matter; everybody matters'. It's not the way many people have been brought up, and it's not the way a lot of organisations or institutions are run. The know-your-place attitude, which often controls so much of both private and public life, may cause some people to experience a sense of worthlessness that makes them feel guilty about taking care of their own needs and asserting themselves.
On a more personal level, your upbringing, relationship difficulties and past losses all affect how you communicate with other people. If you were taught as a child not to make a fuss about things you don't like, then that's probably how you will carry on into adulthood. If you grew up in a household where everybody shouted at each other, then that's probably how you've learned to communicate your needs. If you were in a damaging relationship with a partner who bullied you and ruined your self-esteem, then you may find it hard to express your feelings and opinions in your next relationship, or take out your frustrations at work instead; for example, you may end up being aggressive at work because you feel passive at home.
There are many practical techniques for improving a person's assertiveness. The most common ways of learning them are by joining a group or class (see below for more information). Below, we outline some of the general approaches and assertion techniques to consider. The key to their success is to keep practising the techniques: it is the only sure way of making assertiveness a natural part of your behaviour.
Becoming aware of your body language is a very important part of learning assertive behaviour. To experience for yourself the difference between assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive behaviour, try the following exercise.
Stand in front of a full-length mirror and observe your usual way of standing. What do you do with your feet, hands and head?
Now close your eyes and imagine you are an aggressive person, saying to the world, without words, 'Here I am! I am big and important, and I'm going to invade your space and take you over!' Let yourself really feel it in your body, then open your eyes, look in the mirror and notice how you are expressing this attitude. How are you standing? How are you holding your head? What sort of expression is on your face? What are your hands and feet doing? How do you feel about the person looking back at you from the mirror?
Now relax, close your eyes, and imagine you are a victim, saying to the world, 'I don't count – you can walk all over me'. Let yourself really get into it, then open your eyes and notice how you express this attitude with your body, as before.
Close your eyes again, and imagine you are a passive-aggressive person: you are feeling angry but can't express it and are saying with your body: 'I'm so angry with you, but I'm going to hold it in and get you back later!' See what you are doing with your body now, and how your face has changed.
Relax, then try again, saying this time with your body, 'Hello! This is who I am and this is how much space I take up'. As before, notice how you express this attitude in your stance, with your feet and your hands, and in the way you make eye contact.
You will probably find that in the aggressive position you make yourself quite big, clench your hands or put your hands on your hips, and generally look invasive. In the victim position you will probably look small and insignificant, with hunched shoulders and a furtive expression. In passive-aggressive mode you will probably look tense and unhappy. An assertive stance, however, will usually involve a relaxation of shoulders and neck, an upright, well-balanced body position and open hands.
If you have a sympathetic friend, you can try out the different roles in a pair and note how you both feel.
When people do this exercise they realise how much fear surrounds both the aggressive and victim positions, and how much more comfortable the assertive stance is. It's also clear that it's quite hard to maintain an aggressive posture in front of someone who refuses to adopt the victim stance. The aggressor either relaxes into an assertive stance or collapses into a victim. When both parties are assertive, eye contact tends to be easy; an aggressor glares around, while a victim tends to look down and avoid eye contact. This is one of the ways in which assertiveness makes communication easier.
Assertive body language includes:
Note: Body language can vary between cultures. For example, in some cultures avoiding eye-contact can be understood to demonstrate untrustworthiness, dishonesty or fear, but in other cultures the opposite is true and it's seen as a sign of respect. Therefore, it's important to be clear how you express an assertive attitude in your own individual way.
I start out asking nicely for my employee to do the work that he's been assigned to do, but he just keeps making excuses. I get frustrated and end up shouting at him; he shouts back and gets upset and then I'm too scared to ask again, because I don't want the hassle and stress.
Listen to the way you express yourself. People often generalise their feelings by saying 'you' in conversation when they mean 'I', as in: 'Sometimes, you feel you want to have a break, but you can't'. Try switching it to, 'I feel I want to have a break...'; add, 'and I will arrange it'. You may be surprised by the difference such a small change can make to the way you see yourself. Remember you have choices, too: avoid 'I must' or 'I should' in favour of 'I could' and 'I might'.
If you are upset or angry with someone, then express how you feel without accusing them – they may be completely unaware of the effect they or their actions are having on you. If you blame them immediately, it sets up a situation to become aggressive. For example, you could say 'I felt hurt after you gave me that news this morning – I was really embarrassed in front of my colleagues', rather than 'Why did you have to blurt out that news like that?' The first sentence is expressing how you feel, understanding why this situation has come about and looking for a way to solve it; the second is accusatory and sets the other person up to act defensively.
Saying 'no' is sometimes difficult. You want to say it, but in some situations, or with certain people, you just can't seem to manage it. You may feel you are letting people down, imagine you will be seen as unhelpful or unable to cope, or you may just find the other person intimidating. But you have a right to say no to unreasonable demands or to things that you really don't want to do or are not appropriate to do. It's best to be clear and simple in these situations and not apologise for saying no, or go into long explanations.
For example, your friend keeps borrowing your car but never pays for petrol and gets upset when it's not free for them to use. So next time they ask to borrow it, instead of saying, 'I'm sick of you using my car like you own it, when you never give me petrol money', you could simply say, 'No, I can't lend you my car anymore as it's not convenient and I can't afford the extra petrol'. Or, if you want to compromise, 'You can't borrow the car today, but it's fine for you to use it next Tuesday when it's free and if you put some petrol in it before you return it'. If you put words like 'I'm really sorry' or 'I'd rather not' before your answer, you immediately imply that you should feel guilty or unsure about your decision – and you shouldn't if it's an unreasonable request. You can, however, acknowledge that they may not like or agree with your decision: 'I realise that you will be disappointed/inconvenienced, but no, I don't want/can't...'
This technique is basically repeating your point in a calm but firm voice until it is clear. It's great to use if you are dealing with manipulative people or to someone who is not listening to you, or when you feel you might give in to doing something you don't want to. It will work even better if you have the chance to practise what you are going to say before a situation arises. For example: 'Can you finish off my work for me? I've got to leave early'; 'No, I have my own work to do'; 'Go on, it won't take long'; 'No, I have my own work to do'; 'Why are you being so unhelpful?'; 'I'm not, I have my own work to do.' Stick to what you want to say and don't let yourself get dragged into arguments or explaining yourself. Eventually the other person will get the message.
The best place to learn these techniques is in a class where you can get proper training (see below). But, if you want to start practising some of them now, it's probably a good idea to start with some safer, 'low-risk' situations and people; for example, next time you're with a friend that you trust or a salesperson in a shop. Choose a situation that won't cause you a lot of emotional stress afterwards if the technique doesn't go to plan or you don't get the outcome you want from it. Learn from what went wrong and then try and adapt the technique for the next situation.
Most adult education institutions offer assertiveness classes, as do some universities and colleges of further education, and many private firms offer advice. There are also several self-help books with practical exercises and tips available. Check out the internet and your local library for both courses and books. Medium-to-large workplaces often run assertiveness courses for their employees, so if you're employed at one it's worth checking out what's available.
If you are going to join a class, think about the type of course you need. Some are general and some are specific, for example, for work situations or for a special interest group, such as Asian women or gay men. It's also important to be aware that the work they ask you to do may bring up painful memories; for example, the emphasis on personal boundaries may remind you of a violent experience from your past. Assertiveness teachers vary in their skill at dealing with the feelings stimulated by this kind of memory. If this might apply to you, it's particularly important to go to a class run by a trained, experienced counsellor or therapist.
If you have low self-esteem, you might find that you often adopt a passive or victim attitude to others. If this is the case, then you could benefit from having someone to talk to in depth about your life and relationships, and to help you understand how you have learned these attitudes and how to build more positive ones. This may mean facing up to painful and difficult memories from your past, especially old losses that you haven't properly grieved for.
Talking to a trained and experienced psychotherapist or counsellor can help you identify and understand these problems, altering the way you think and feel. Cognitive behaviour therapy is increasingly popular as a way of helping people change long-standing but unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving (see 'Useful organisations' and 'Further reading' for more information). Your GP should be able to suggest further appropriate help.
Similarly, if you have problems managing your anger, you need to find out why that is and if your current reactions and behaviours are connected to experiences in your past (see Mind's booklets How to deal with anger and How to restrain your violent impulses).
If you can boost your self-esteem, this should automatically make you more assertive. Part of victim consciousness is a sense that 'I don't deserve to have anything good'. But giving yourself a treat every day can do wonders for your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it does have to be something that gives you pleasure, whether it's watching a TV programme that makes you laugh, taking a walk in the park, having a meal out with a friend or a taking a long, scented bath by candlelight with the phone unplugged (see Mind's booklet How to increase your self-esteem).
British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP)
tel. 0161 797 4484
web: www.babcp.com
A full directory of therapists is available via the website.
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)
tel. 01455 883 300
web: wwwbacp.co.uk
To find practitioners in your area see the website.
British Association of Anger Management (BAAM)
tel. 0845 1300 286
web: www.angermanage.co.uk
For men, women and children needing anger management.
How to cope with relationship problems (Mind 2009)
How to cope with suicidal feelings (Mind 2008)
How to deal with anger (Mind 2009)
How to deal with bullying at work (Mind 2007)
How to improve your mental wellbeing (Mind 2007)
How to increase your self-esteem (Mind 2007)
How to look after yourself (Mind 2006)
How to restrain your violent impulses (Mind 2008)
How to survive family life (Mind 2009)
Making sense of cognitive behaviour therapy (Mind 2009)
Making sense of counselling (Mind 2008)
Mind troubleshooters: stress (Mind 2008)
My name is Jess [booklet on anger for young people] (Mind 2009)
The Mind guide to food and mood (Mind 2008)
The Mind guide to managing stress (Mind 2009)
The Mind guide to relaxation (Mind 2009)
Understanding anxiety (Mind 2008)
Understanding depression (Mind 2008
Understanding talking treatments (Mind 2009)
For a catalogue of publications from Mind, send an A4 SAE to:
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tel. 0844 448 4448
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email: publications@mind.org.uk
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This booklet was written by Penny Cloutte and revised by Maria Jacovides
First published by Mind 1994. Revised edition © Mind 2010
ISBN 978-1-874690-28-3
No reproduction without permission