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Dear borderline me...
Posted Tuesday 26 February 2013
I’ve been fortunate to take part in a research program exploring mindfulness. One of the homework exercises asked me to write a letter to my future self as part of an action plan for coping with a time when I may be struggling.
It’s taken me a long time. It seemed an insurmountable task – I’ll never forget the feeling of living death that is depression and wondered if this was just an exercise in futility - but it’s actually done a lot to kindle real compassion for myself within me. This exercise, coupled with the mindful meditations I’ve learnt, has helped plant seeds of affection for myself, something I’ve never felt before.
Dear borderline me,
Well done for digging this out. I know things seem pointless right now so thanks for giving this a go.
Chances are you’ve been slogging away and just realised that, instead of “getting through it”, you’re actually sinking. We’ve been here before, right? We know the signs: stuff gets top of you and instead of standing back and prioritising, you’ve tried to do it all and done none of it well. Everything makes you cry, the fear and negativity in the world seem overwhelming and you no longer find pleasure in simple things like a shower or fresh sheets. You wake in the morning exhausted wondering how you’ll get through the day. Your concentration’s shot and your inability to remember what you were doing two seconds ago is confirmation of your inadequacy.
It took me ages to write this because I didn’t think anything I could say would penetrate the cocoon of flaccid lethargy I know you’re sealed in right now. But what kind of a writer would we be if I believed that?
There are some important things you need reminding of; the first being: we make a great team, you and I – you feeling, me putting it into words. You might think you got the bum deal there but believe me, my part’s no cakewalk either. Now, if you haven’t already put this note back thinking, “Oh shuddup you arrogant twerp”, you’re already doing great. Just keep reading these words we wrote together before this black cloud descended.
Don’t beat yourself up for being a lazy-arsed waste of space. You’ve got a husband for that and you know in your heart of hearts he’s only winding you up, however much you want to latch onto something negative. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) means we live life as a performance and furtively view the world from backstage, constantly evaluating our execution. We’re our own harshest critic and this saps energy like nothing else. Its not surprising things come crashing down every once in a while, and people’s love feels like pressure or criticism.
We’ve come so far and learnt so much; don’t belittle it. For some, the world would be a hollow place without you in it, however much you tell yourself “They’ll manage.” Your husband and children unhesitatingly turn to you for love, support and advice. Your greatest fear of something terrible happening to them is also their fear for you. Don’t be the one to make it their reality. The words we write together reach others in lonely places all over the world. You make a difference.
You ask, “Must I keep pushing myself to be social, productive and successful my whole life, or can I just give in to my natural inclination to be a hermit and accept my fears instead of fighting them?”
The answer to both is “No.” You don’t have to keep forcing yourself to go against your instincts, but neither should you let fear limit you. That liberating feeling of “**** what everyone else thinks!” that depression’s making you feel right now? Hang onto it. It’s right. It’s what’ll get you through this.
You need to put yourself first – it’s not selfish or arrogant like you were always told; it’s recognizing that you have as much value as anyone else, and having the self-awareness to own your needs; accepting them and dealing with them responsibly. That voice in your head… you know, the TRUE You? The one we try and get down on the page? You need to treasure it. The True You is far more valuable than anything you can construct. Trust it. You’ll be surprised. It actually has all the answers you’re looking for – you just have to listen.
That tenuous spark of connection you feel with the greater, wider world is the real thing. That’s why you feel better when you get yourself outdoors. The negativity you feel is something you’ve learned to manufacture for yourself; a poison originally administered by those who couldn’t or wouldn’t be true to themselves and sought to pass on their regret and disappointment so they could say they weren’t the only ones to foul up. Go for as many walks as you want, just do it – don’t wait for excuses to form. Depression detests fresh air!
You’ve learnt so much in the past year – you’ve really started to wake up. You’re writing, drawing and reading more – reconnecting with your true You, coming out of the trance. With BPD, identity is a stream of consciousness, not a solid structure. It’s difficult to pin down, but when you know who you are, you stop letting people's perception of you define you. Tune in to what comes from within – don’t take your cues from outside. You’ve learnt big lessons about the pressures of achievement, religion, gender and society and you’ve recognized they’re just paper cutouts that distract from the real thing. Remember what Bruce Lee said:
“ It is like a finger pointing to the moon; stare at the finger and you will miss all that heavenly glory.”
Hold on to all that you learnt about mindfulness. Take a break right now and do a 3-Minute-Breathing-Space. It’s three minutes. That’s nothing. You don’t even have to move, and you know you’ll feel better for it. It’s an easy achievement score. Go on, I’ll wait.
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Ok, good. Now, I want you to do something for us. In the days to come, revisit the mindfulness course, re-read the series we wrote on it. Make your vows afresh. Take small steps. Watch “What About Bob” with the kids; and baby-step like Bill Murray. For now though, go and do something that’ll make you feel better, even if it seems pointless; run a bath, grab a book, go for a walk and take the camera. THIS is where you need to put the effort in, don’t waste it keeping up appearances for others.
Don’t forget – everyone else out there is doing it too, conforming to expectations, measuring their “worth” against others – they’re all wearing the same mask. We’ve seen the magazines at the supermarket checkouts – everyone has doubts, worry’s they’ve missed the boat, fears inadequacy – they hide it just like you do. The minority are those with the awareness, strength and courage to refuse to do it anymore, we don’t hear so much about them.
Let go your belief that everyone else is better at “life” than you are. This is a tool you use to cause yourself emotional pain – it’s impossible for anyone else to hurt you in this way. You’re not that world away from perfection you think you are. It’s just an illusion. No one finds it easy.
Remember your negative thoughts are not facts. So just stop. Catch yourself and stop. All that mindfulness practice means you can spot it a lot more easily now. This, my friend, is progress. Remember how excited that realization made us feel? It’s still there, even if you don’t feel it right now. It hasn’t gone; you haven’t lost it. We can continue exploring it together when you’re ready. Hang in there. Like everything, this will pass.
Ok. That’s all. I hope it helps, but more than that, I hope we don’t have the occasion to find out.
Love and loyalty,
Your optimistic other You
Aisha
Read Aisha's blog or follow her on twitter @AishaAshraf1
If you have been diagnosed with BPD you may be more likely to experience other mental health related problems, such as depression. We've got some tips that might help, and suggestions for friends and family.
14 Comments
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This was just what I needed to read this morning. I don't have BPD, but I can see myself in so much of this letter. I'm going to bookmark it so I can read it again and try to really absorb some of what it is saying. Thank you x
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Wow. I don't have BPD but do suffer from depression and this REALLY hit the nail on the head about how I feel when I'm there. Thank you for articulating it for me.
I'm off for a walk now to get the fresh air in and the negativity outxxx
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I have BPD and am going through a very dark time right now. I wish I had written a letter like that to myself a few months ago when I thought things were getting back together again. You are lucky to have a husband and children. I have none of that, just a history in which I was abused repeatedly so I can't trust anyone ever again. It is a lonely life and that is why I can't get out of bed these days. I live for art but my depression makes it impossible to do that and then I get frustrated with myself. BPD is a horrible illness and there is so little support out there compared to the more known conditions. People with BPD have to be so strong to face all the stigma. We are just very sensitive and emotional people trying to live in a world that values coldness.
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Wow, I feel like crying. Someone eles feels how I do in words I haven't been able to find. I suffer from depression & its a struggle trying to express it. I too feel getting out the house is a help, the freedom from walls. Good luck & much respect.
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I haven't been diagnosed as borderline, but I see aspects of how I've felt in what you wrote.
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How lucky for me that this letter was posted today. Right now, I'm in bed where I have been for most of the day. I counted back, and it seems Friday was the last time I showered. Yesterday's dishes are still sitting dirty on the side. I screamed at my son this morning because he wouldn't brush his teeth. Your letter gave me a moment of mindfulness - a chink in the armour of my depression that will help me fight back today. Starting with a shower. Wish me luck :-)
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The sincerity of your comments is very moving - thank you all for responding. Despite my doubts about the exercise, my reluctance to tackle it and my fear of failing, after I'd finished I realized how helpful it had actually been. It's always the innocuous, unlikely things that make the big difference, isn't it? Who'd have thought?
Christine, Lisa and Juju, I'm glad I was able to give your feelings the solidity of words. One of the hardest things about depression is not being able to articulate it to yourself, never mind anyone else.
Claire, I'm sorry to hear you're in the middle of an episode. BPD is a horrible condition with its penchant for ambush. I understand your loneliness; despite having a husband and children, I still have trust issues, still have times when I feel totally, irrevocably alone.
My difficulties handling emotions started in my teens and it wasn't until I was almost 30 that I got a diagnosis and meaningful treatment. I'm still a work in progress, but I've gone from someone without a future who was a danger to themselves, to a person with hope and a budding awareness of my inner strength. All I needed was the right help, unstinting support and a willingness to never give up.
Since my treatment, I’ve learnt to drive, got married, become a mother to three amazing children, trained as a teacher, emigrated to Canada and carved out a career for myself as a freelance writer. Not bad for a one-time no-hoper, eh! Don't let BPD make you think it's not possible. BPD's a shocking liar. -
Thank you for posting this Aisha. I needed it today more than ever, and you have helped me forgive myself a little bit and recognise that the darkness of BPD is not all there is to me.
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Wow your letter has some echoes of my letter to myself that I wrote after a year of talking therapy, I wrote it as I was sick of therapy that helped but never quite finished the job so wrote my own survival plan for those dark times. I've given up with diagnoses having just got shot of being 'bipolar' someone did mention bpd, others clinical depression or unipolar. Maybe I am bpd I can certainly identify with a lot you say but for now I refuse to be labelled just treat the symptoms as & when needed. Currently I prescribed myself a course of EMDR but I take a lot of note of mindfulness tips and it does help me. So thanks for your letter if I had not restricted myself deliberately to one easy concise page I might have written something quite similar. I hope you don't have occasion to find out, but if you do you have your excellent letter to refer to. Take care Cx
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Aisha, thank you so much for posting this letter. I can really see myself in a lot of what you have put. It have really been a life saver your letter today. It was hard for me to read through it all as I can never find the right words to be able to explain myself and it felt like your letter was doing just that. Xx
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This is amazing Aisha - truly moving and powerful, What a woman you are - please know that!
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An amazing piece thank you. I've recently been diagnosed with BPD and it's terryifying but it all makes sense for the way I've acted to things. I've been so hurt by people it really sets me back even though I should let go of them it's really hard not too. Everyone around me tells me I should but I can't. I'm really struggling at the moment, but this article really helped thank you.
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This is beautiful x Thank you x
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Thanks everyone for the amazing comments. Hang onto that flicker of hope and take each day at a time - you're all so much stronger than you think. There's nothing special in me that you won't find within yourself too. I wish you all the best xxx and hope I see you over at my blog from time to time.
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