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My phobia runs my life on daily basis
Posted Monday 5 November 2012
My name is Anne and I am 43. I cannot remember a time when I haven't been anxious. I have a phobia you see. It’s a fear of vomiting and this fear runs my life on a daily basis. What I do, where I go, what I eat, how I travel. The list goes on and on.
For years I had wondered why the words, sick, vomit, spew, barf and puke filled me with horror. Nobody likes to be sick but for me it seemed like it was a matter of life or death!! The smell of it and the look of it obviously was awful but the noise is something else. Then the gagging and feeling that I can’t breath and that it will never end. I guess I fear I may die.
I guess it started when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I remember being at primary school and we were made to drink the disgusting milk in those little bottles. Warm in the summer, frozen solid in the winter. I had a particular teacher that was very strict and one day she made myself and another child stay in at playtime because we could not drink the milk. I remember her standing in front of us telling us to drink the milk now. I just couldn't do it and the little girl next to me was gagging and it was horrendous. From then on the fear grew and grew.
As I got into my teens the fear seemed to grip me like a vice. From around 15 to 18 life seemed unbearable. Everyday I would start to feel sick. No idea why but I just felt ill and on certain occasions the panic and fear became horrendous. Firstly I would start to take deep breaths as I remember someone had said that if I took a deep breath a couple of times then it would stop me from feeling sick. So of course I took this to extremes. I would end up hyperventilating so bad that my hands would paralyse and I just couldn't focus. Everything would go fuzzy and of course I would start to feel even more sick. I remember hyperventilating so badly one time that I started to hallucinate.
These occasions would usually start whilst being a passenger in a car or in a restaurant. Eating in front of people was a huge chore for me. It has affected my parents and any boyfriends I had. Obviously my parents were worried and would get annoyed too if I didn’t want to go to a restaurant or travel anywhere. My eating wasn't the best and so many people thought I had anorexia! I was just afraid to eat too much and also had to be sure the food was practically burnt.
Throughout my life I am constantly wondering if I will be ill today and I hate it. This has led to terrible bouts of depression, anxiety and feelings of helplessness. The slightest pain in my stomach and all manner of visions start to happen in my head. I have had many a therapy session all to no avail. I have been put on a variety of antidepressants which have helped but now I worry I wont be able to cope without them. On occasion I have had valium but really didn’t want to go down that road.
The fear is so irrational and vomiting is a normal human reaction but for me it is the worst reaction. I feel that when it rears its ugly head I just want to curl up and be on my own. I start to shake, sweat, and my heart rate sky rockets. The adrenalin racing around my body makes me feel terrible and I just do not know what to do with myself. And of course through the fear I start to feel more and more sick.
I have one passion that weirdly seems to have helped. I like to sing and I literally force myself to go on stage. It is a massive undertaking. How I can go on a stage and sing but then not be able to throw up in the normal manner is beyond me but if I don’t do this then this fear will have won. I have many restrictions that I have put upon myself but I will not let it stop me from something I feel passionate about!
Anne
A phobia is an exaggerated or unrealistic sense of danger about a situation or object. Our information on understanding phobias explains more about the different types of phobias, the causes and symptoms and what help is available.
11 Comments
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Anne, it's amazing the trials and tribulations our brains can put us through. Kudos to you for your strength. It's a testament to the mental strength we can summon to overcome our phobias or other mental conditions. I too can somehow pull myself up and out of an anxious moment or depression when I "have to" - ie., for work, for my kids. But then I'm drained. You're willingness to push yourself on stage is a reminder to us all to just keep practicing. Put ourselves out there in those uncomfortable moments. Confronting those fears, overcoming those anxieties can sometimes be the best form of therapy. Thank you for sharing.
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Dear Anne
Well done for your courage in speaking out about this most distressing of symptoms. Fear a natural response to traumatic events causing Anxiety. As the trauma is never resolved the Anxiety always controls our emotions and the Fear never returns to being the protective agent as a right not a gift.
Resolving past traumatic events has been a Thirty Years career specialising in mysterious symptoms of mind and body and if "we" working as a team cannot resolve this then on current knowledge it cannot be done. The words "The cause is no known and there is no cure" are not i my vocabulary.
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Hi David
Thanks for your kind words. It is a daily struggle and so irrational but I have to do things in life otherwise this fear would have won.
Thanks again -
Wow Peter thank you for your comment. You have put it in such a way as I had never thought of before. Hit the nail right on the head. Thank you
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Anne, I applaud you for speaking out about your emetophobia. I have blogged for Mind before on the subject of agoraphobia and self-harm, but underlying all of that is emetophobia; I am 23 and have suffered from about the same age as yourself, from about 7 years old, and I also know the trigger for it. What so many people don't understand is that it really DOES affect every area of your life simply because sickness and vomiting is a normal and natural part of life, it's something your body is designed to do, and you can't escape that fact, which I believe is why it is so hard to shake off. It is incredible that you are ensuring that your passion for singing continues though; your phobia isn't going to take that away from you. I would love to see emetophobia more widely recognised and blog posts like yours ensure that word is getting out there and more people are understanding, so thank you. Take care. x
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Hi Laura
thank you for your lovely comments. I am so sorry you are suffering with this too. Its so hard to beat as you rightly said it is a natural thing for a human to do and and to be scared of it is so debilitating. We cant get away from it and so I suppose we have to just try and deal with it.
Thanks again Laura and take care x -
after reading this blog i have realised i may have a phobia. it's not as extreme as anne described, but it's really bothering me. i'm only 25 and i can't stop thinking about ageing.
when i was about 15 i used to think "i'm really enjoying be young, i love being young so much, i love how i look now it's great" i wanted to freeze my young self. i'm 25 now. i have absolutely no signs of ageing but i feel in a very short time - as if i'll wake up one day and - i'll have a saggy bum and crows feet, thin hair, saggy boobs and a spare tyre tummy and a tired manner.
my rational mind says: people can look really beautiful untill well into their 60's/ i've got loads of time before all that happens/ doesn't matter how you look etc... i know all this... but there's a bit in my mind that won't stop worrying, it's there all the time. i expect to see an old person in the mirror and i'm always pleasantly surprised to see a 25 year old me. it's almost like the habit has been there for so long it's stuck. is this a phobia? -
Hi Laura
Im not sure if it is a phobia what you describe but its obviously causing you anxiety and worry. Alot of people worry about becoming old me being one of them but for myself I think it is a fear of illness and death. When you get old you are nearer to the end so that is a definate worry. Maybe its a worry about how you see yourself. Perhaps something has happened to trigger this worry for you. Hope it doesnt bother you too much.
Anne x -
Hi Laura, I'm really sorry to hear that it's really bothering you. If it's starting to affect you everyday, or you feel you need help, then it might be a good idea to talk to someone. Do have a read of this which talks about when you should get help http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/phobias#get help and then when you are ready to ask for help, it also goes through what treatments and support is available for you. If you want to speak to someone, do give our infoline a call 0300 123 3393 and they can talk you through your options. Take care of yourself, Taryn from Mind
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Hi ann,
I was 6 or 7 and remember chocking in tesco's, my poor mum panicking and this strong man leaping over and pressing on my stomach, all this became to much for my little brain to handle and it went into over drive, that night i became fearful of sick gagging and night times.
No one explained to me what had just happened so that night i felt very alone, everyone asleep all very peaceful and me battling the thoughts, and this continued until now, i hit rock bottom when i was pregnant with my second, i didn't want to take my little girl to play group all because i was worried about her picking up a bug and i knew it was the end of the road for me in the sense that it was time for me to get help.
During the time i have had with my therapist we go back to that moment when i was 6 or 7 i have to look at that 6 year old who is terrified and scared and needs a hug so she gets it and i work alongside that little girl who needed someone there and now being the adult that's what i need to do, i need to comfort myself and its working, i can now cuddle and be there for my daughter when shes unwell, ok i go into a daze at times and i feel like im back to square one but thats therapy and thats anxiety.
I have realised theres a life out there and so much of the world to see, no one can cure the phobia but you and a professional.
You are not alone and its becoming more and more common where people thanks to charitys like essex mind are able to give people the chance to talk about their problems without the worry of being classed as crazy because we are NOT, we are human and if we were suffering physically as we are mentally then people would understand and lend a hand but its not as simple as a broken leg and even broken bones and bodies need professional help, its the same with our brains, we just need them re-programmed.
Its not been easy and i take every day as it comes, i get days where i'm crying and want to curl up but its the little girl crying out for help not the adult me, so keep your head high and never doubt yourself i think your amazing and very brave so well done xxx -
Hi MUMT02
Thanks so much for your lovely comment. How you described it is so similar to me when that horrible teacher tried to make me drink that milk. So glad you are getting through it all. It has so ruined my life but we get through it. The trouble is that I have a 9 year old and he is showing similar signs of this phobia and he knew nothing of me so that is very odd. He had 3 bouts of sickness this year and now is terrified. I really dont want him to go through what I have so we are trying to nip it in the bud now. He is having some therapy and help so hopefully it will work. Thanks again for your lovely reply
Anne xx
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