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A diary of mindfulness, week five - allowing and letting be
Posted Tuesday 23 October 2012
In the fifth of her series on mindfulness and depression, Clare blogs about accepting difficult experiences and the difference between 'letting be' and giving up.
I've been writing a diary of my experiences of an eight week Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) course. You can see a list of the themes for the weeks, and a link to weeks one to four on my blog.
Week five - allowing and letting be
A word about gentleness and curiosity
Being gentle and curious with ourselves and our minds is a central part of MBCT. This struck a chord with me, as we are often telling people who come to us at TheSite.org for support not to be so hard on themselves, to take things slowly and treat themselves gently.
This week, we explored how MBCT encourages us to bring a gentle and curious awareness to our sensations and emotions - encouraging acceptance rather than of avoidance or attachment.
'Let it be’ - what do we mean by acceptance?
I always thought that the song 'Let it be' was telling us to ‘leave it alone’ - but actually I think it was telling us to ‘Let it (just) be’. This does not mean being resigned to negative experiences, feelings or sensations, but instead to actively and intentionally cultivate acceptance of whatever it is.
Our instructor read us a poem that he said he felt emphasised how this acceptance differs from resignation. It was called The Guest House and you can read it here. The idea that we should meet every experience ‘at the door laughing’ and not force any to turn away is suggesting quite a different relationship to our experiences than we are used to - especially for those of us with depression.
The mouse in the maze
To help us understand more about this focus on acceptance, our instructor told us about some research that was done on approach and avoidance. This is described in a different context here. Participants were shown one of two pictures of a maze. Each of the mazes had a mouse in the middle, but only one of the pictures showed a piece of cheese at the maze exit. The other showed a picture of a bird of prey overhead, which was described as ‘ready to swoop down and capture the mouse in its talons at any moment’.
The task for both groups was to draw a line from the mouse to the exit of the maze - but they had different reasons for doing so. All the participants managed to complete the task in less than two minutes - but those who were completing the task to avoid the bird showed an aftertaste of vigilance and caution for things going wrong. All of these participants showed less creativity and flexibility in response to new tasks than the participants who were completed the maze to approach the cheese.
The link was then made to how we manage experiences. This experiment suggests that an attitude of avoidance, trying to push away and avoid negative experiences actually almost 'shuts down' our minds, making us less creative and flexible in our attempts to deal with them. Instead we should approach the experience, with curiosity to explore what it feels like, in the moment.
A rustle in the undergrowth
It sounds very counterintuitive - we all have a tendency to distinguish between wanted and unwanted experiences and react differently to each. Another way of helping us to understand the different kind of reactions we can have to unwanted experiences was described in terms of the 'fight or flight' mode of dealing with threats - a term that we are all familiar with.
When, in our day to day lives, we feel a 'rustle in the undergrowth' of our mind - a depressed thought, a bad feeling, a sense things might be starting again - we react mentally in the same way we would physically if we heard a big cat rustle dangerously in the undergrowth. We leap into the fight or flight avoidance mode - the part of the brain that feels under threat kicks in.
Our brain can't distinguish between external and internal 'threats' - they are all presented to it as thoughts. We are compelled to try and solve the problem - using the rumination (that doesn't work). And in avoidance mode our thoughts are less flexible and lead quicker to the 'negative spiral' we've discussed previously.
Instead, we should try and approach the 'rustle' or the negative experience. By becoming more aware of the thought or feeling and trying to explore what it feels like in the moment using a breathing space meditation, we can stop seeing it as a threat and stop this inflexible avoidance reaction. We put ourselves in a much better position to deal with it.
I think this is something that it is quite hard to do if you come to it cold without having spent a number of weeks practicing the skills of mindfulness and exploring these kinds of concepts. I could understand why we had spent so much of the first weeks trying to build these skills.
It interested me the amount of metaphor and poetry used to try and get some of these concepts across to us. These helped to get past the problems of insufficient language to really describe and share a concept. I have written about this in more detail on my blog. In this piece I explore how we use metaphor to help us share and describe experiences of mental health in a way that better helps others to understand it.
The practice in reality - stretches for our minds
In the later sessions, we spent more time getting our head around concepts and ideas about new relations to our experiences. We also needed to continue practicing meditative mindfulness and putting these concepts into practice. In the first meditation practice this week, we were encouraged to do something slightly different from what we had done in the past.
Instead of just noticing where the mind is when it wanders, then gently escorting awareness back to the breath, we were encouraged to notice if our mind continued to be drawn back to the same place - and to intentionally bring awareness to that place. We shouldn't try and hold on to it, or to push it away out of fear, irritation or annoyance. Instead we should try and register what is there and hold the feelings in awareness for as long as they naturally occur.
Later in the session, we did another meditation where we tried to deliberately bring a difficult experience to mind, to practice relating to it in a different way, by approaching it. The purpose was not to get rid of these difficulties but to relate to them differently.
After starting the meditation, we were instructed to bring to mind a difficult or troubling thought or situation and notice the feelings that arise in the body. I found that one of the most obvious for me was in my chest, these experiences often led to a tightening of the chest, and shallower breathing. I also noticed a changing of my face, a frowning and tensing.
We were instructed to deliberately try and move our awareness to the place in the body where the sensation was strongest, breathing in to that part of the body on the in breath. When we have the bodily sensations in our awareness, say to ourselves: "It's ok, whatever it is it's ok, let me feel it."
We should try and stay with awareness of these sensations and our relationship with them, just breathing with them and accepting them. When we feel they are no longer completely pulling our attention, we should return fully to the breath. Holding something in awareness like this, rather than pushing it away is an affirmation that we can face it, name it and work with it.
Thoughts are not facts (even the ones that say they are!)
Next week, we would be thinking in more detail about our relationship with thoughts. This is really important - thoughts are how we experience the world. It is through our thoughts about the world that we interact with it. Because some thoughts reflect reality - ‘that car is red’, ‘there is a lamppost’, ‘I need to lift up my foot to step over that rock’ - it is easy to think that all thoughts are facts - including those negative automatic ones we have.
Next week we would learn how MBCT suggests we change our approach to our thoughts. For now, our homework was once again to do a daily 40 minute sitting meditation, as well as the breathing space three times a day, and whenever we noticed unpleasant experiences.
Clare
Clare writes her own blog on mental health, relationships and online youth support. You can follow her on Twitter @fostress. She works on TheSite.org for YouthNet.
11 Comments
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Week 5 still not convinced.
If a big dangerous cat in the jungles of India or a venomous snake in the outbacks of Australia are encountered I presume I would have (as you put it) a fight or flight internal reaction. So how should I react to these feelings? I know. I'll just sit cross legged on the floor and think about my feelings and why I'm having them. Maybe enjoy a cup of tea while at the same time adding just a hint of piquancy with some deep breathing as I ponder. Result...I'm eaten by the tiger!
I have a dog. he dosen't ponder or meditate. He survives. He does what he has to do to get his food. hes obedient to not out of any altruistic humanoid feelings no, its because I'm his food dispenser and play thing. when he feels threatened or in danger he either backs away or attacks as his defence. He does this due to his instinct for survival. He can't help this instinct and breeders have never managed to breed this out of dogs. There are a few animals who try to avoid danger and threat by covering their eyes to the world around them in the belief logic that if I can't see it, it won't hurt me. But this is considered daft to us as humans. Why? because we know enough to understand that we are born with instinctive reactions to assure our survival. However, unlike animals we are also aware that when the plane is about to crash we are in the sole hands of fate.
My point is we are given instinctive feelings for specific purposes. the way we react to danger, threat, isolation, illness, instinctively happen for a dam good reason. So why would I want to go messing around pondering over and breathing deeply over them? will it stop the tiger from attacking, the plane crashing, the snake biting? these are metaphors but I could extrapolate this into daily life. The fact is I feel fear, isolation, illness, hot, cold, wet, danger, for good instinctive and REAL reasons. Why should I want to mess with it?
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Hi again CC,
Thanks for your comment. It's forcing me to clarify things which is useful and interesting process :)
“If a big cat in the jungles of India or a venomous snake in the outbacks of Australia are encountered I presume I would have (as you put it) a fight or flight internal reaction.”
I think you are using the notion of physical threats as a metaphor, but to clarify, MBCT does not say that you shouldn’t respond with fight or flight to a physical danger – this is where fight/flight is an appropriate instinctive reaction without which we wouldn’t survive long.
“The fact is I feel fear, isolation, illness, hot, cold, wet, danger, for good instinctive and REAL reasons. Why should I want to mess with it?”
Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) is an approach to help prevent relapse in people who have suffered from depression and anxiety. These people often find that some of their ways of managing thoughts and feelings are already ‘messed up’ as it were. While mindfulness itself can be relevant to everyone, MBCT (which this series describes) is a specific therapy for depression/anxiety. If you are not having problems with the way you feel then I would agree, don’t mess with it.
I would also agree that when someone who *hasn’t* had depression or anxiety in the past has a feeling of tiredness, isolation etc they are much more likely to be able to respond to these appropriately and potentially instinctively with an appropriate action.
However, MBCT recognises that a depressed or anxious prone mind is more likely to add extra thoughts and judgements to a feeling and let these make things worse.
MBCT is not suggesting that someone pretend the feeling isn’t happening. It is suggesting that by approaching it and feeling the reality of the experience (through breathing or another method) you can make sure you are just responding to the feeling or experience itself - and are better able to recognise the extra baggage depression and anxiety can bring.
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Clare hello again.
I would suggest I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have a depressive and anxiety prone mind as you put it. I have had CBT in the past and found that there was a great pressure on me to respond to treatment. I find the same feeling of pressure coming from what you say. Ultimately it sounds like you are saying if you are not ill or have not really been ill MBCT will not really work for me. Or could it be that just maybe I'm what the medics would describe as a none compliant patient, unable to respond to treatment? Again, in many peoples' eyes putting the medical fault on the individual.
I would suggest that depression has many route causes. and these causes are probably as important as the depression/anxiety itself. The treatment given I suggest must always endeavor to get to the route of an illness. cognitive therapies don't seem to be able or willing to do this. So at best it seems to me you would have had to have been made fairly stable first before taking a look at MBCT. But even then I would suggest that the cause of persons depression/anxiety is just as important when offering any stability and coping strategies.
Much depression/anxiety has a route cause in 'injustice' whether social or individual. This to me is of great importance when seeking any kind of treatment including MBCT. Often people are looking for 'justice', accountability, truth and other things before they feel they can have a hope of moving on and cope. cognitive therapy does not seem to offer this and is often in danger of implying ultimate control lies with the patient rather than what might have been done to or happened to them. It can lead to the victim of an injustice carrying the guilt of the route cause unjustly. So I would suggest that MBCT or any therapy must go hand in hand with social justice. it just seems unbalanced to me if it dosen't.
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Hi Clare, I'm also on week 5 of an 8-week mindfulness meditation (book & CD-based) course, & it's been really useful to read your blog and compare experiences - thank you so much for sharing it. I'm really struck by your metaphor today of "a rustle in the undergrowth" - really helpful.
I hope at some point to get on to an MBCT course with a tutor - the book and CD are great but a real live person to check things out with would be even better.
Best wishes!
Sue -
Hey again CC :)
I'm sorry to hear that CBT didn't work so well for you and that you felt pressure to respond. I think part of the issue with the blog posts is it's hard to get across how much the leaders emphasised the importance of there not being a 'wrong' way to do it - as thinking 'oh god, i'm doing this wrong, this isn't working' is adding another layer of judgement and thought. It probably highlights the problems with trying to write about this rather than experiencing the discussions and questions in a session. So I would hope that you wouldn't feel that pressure in a session itself. However, it sounds like your issue is more with CBT based approaches in general and the emphasis they put on action by the patient.
As you know CBT isn't very focussed on causes and the past, but in dealing with thoughts and current behaviours - and mindfulness based cognitive therapy also has the same emphasis. I see it as a tool to help me manage and stop some of my negative thoughts getting worse, which sits alongside other tools and medication. You're right that they say MBCT is not suitable for people in the middle of a depressive episode - it's more about maintenance after the end of other therapy or treatment and preventing relapse. The people who developed it were initially tasked with developing a maintenance version of CBT for people to do after they had 'recovered' to keep them from relapsing. So yes, I was reasonably stable while doing the course.
Would be interested to hear more about your view that much depression and anxiety have a root cause in social or individual injustice as I'm not clear what you mean by it?
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Hi Sue,
Glad you're finding it interesting and useful. Yes, I was struck by that metaphor of a 'rustle in the undergrowth of our minds' - it's one the leader used. It's interesting how metaphor can be so helpful help us share and make sense of what is going on in our thoughts and experiences.
I would definitely recommend a face to face course if you can get on one - it's much the best option if possible :)
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Hi Clare,
I agree with you about the limits of the written word and blogging. It is very limiting. And I'm sure more understanding would be had in a real setting.As regards depression and social/individual injustice. To me it seems fairly obvious and the evidence seems to back this up. If you are bullied (in whatever context) and become ill because of this and the lack of support to deal with it and it goes on for a long time. Even when the bullying has stopped many are left with a sense of depressive worthlessness if there is no real recognition as to what they have had to endure perhaps over many years. Yes, the cause may have stopped but the effects can still be there in the sense of having proved your case but not gaining natural justice where you need it to come from. You can be left with a sense of not having the effects of what happened to you being seen as serious as you feel it has affected.
There is also the wider sense of social injustice of things like a lousy education that has stopped many from reaching a potential they believed they were capable of. There is the modern society where certain hoops and rings to jump through are reserved for certain people and you ain't been one of them. There is parental oppression and abuse, lack of parental guidence, abuse from others, lack of inspiration from teachers and those in authority over us and so we failed to gain inspiration. We don't aspire and governments want us to belive its all in our own hands when it isn't. We are demanded that our allegiance is given to society for the smooth running of the community while we are told not to expect any entitlements for our allegiance. This is the modern mantra. Most would say well, thats just life isn't it? I would say no! it isn't life its just the situation. Now, all of these things have had their part to play in my depression and anxiety. I suspect in many others too whether perceived or not. So what do we do about it is the question?
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Part 2
In regards to specific individual injustice that has caused serious and enduring mental health problems, I can cite high profile cases however, these only represent the hidden hundreds of thousands that never get highlighted or brought to wider attention.
The Birmingham six, who nothing short of a public apology from the government allowed closure to begin.the solicitor (only know her as Sally) who was convicted of her own children's deaths falsely. She had her life ruined.
The Bridgewater two convicted of child murder falsely continual breakdowns in prison, lives recked through mental distress.
So how many thousands more must their be? Should it not be right to visit the past to find a sense of justice and perhaps a semblance of closure? What about the Hillsborough situation. How many made ill and depressed through this? Should they not have gone back to find the truth and perhaps alleviate their depression? Even if injustice is only perceived by the perceivee it seems real.
I heard a story of a psychiatrist who agreed with a patient to allow them to have a religious exorcism. The patient had persisted that they were possessed by evil spirits. In agreeing with the exorcism the psychiatrist hoped to prove to his patient that they were not possessed by demons. So sometimes we have to take seriously the perception of ill people and work with it. Even when it demands an apology from Priministers it seems. Then perhaps the healing can begin.
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Hi Clare
I have at long last come out of a bout of depression that lasted 7 months. This has happened whilst awaiting CBT as I am on the list next. I want to try anything to prevent a recurrent episode so I find your blog very interesting and have indeed been practising some of your techniques.I saw Will Young on a chat show the other day who described his depression as 'toxic and isolating' this summed up my last 7 months. I hope to stay in remission from the toxic illness by any means possible. I find your blog very useful.
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Clare,
Regarding mental health problems in relation to social justice.
I did write a long diatribe citing specific and individual cases. However, I can only presume mind does not feel itself able to publish this as my post didn't appear. I will try another route.Here is a list of things known to cause/have caused mental health problems or at least gravely exacerbated already existing ones. In many of those affected have felt the need to revisit the past and confront the route of what is perceived to be a main cause of their distress.
Wrongful/unfair criminal convictions; people with mental health problems/low IQ imprisoned with little or no treatment; education systems which educate only to purposed limited attainments; (such as the 11+) Class/background glass ceilings making it impossible for many to emancipate; In order to emancipate having to discard historical/social roots; A capitalist system that demands we become automatons in our buying, selling and social relationships, where the system puts profit making far above individual need or social cohesion; Governments with short-term voter aspirations enacting specific policies that marginalise, stigmatise, in seeking to disappear certain social groupings; A good example of this is welfare reform where many believe the government is purposely turning poor people against even poorer people as a scapegoat and justification of failed past policies; The list could go in into health, the work place, parenting, the care system, the disparity of wealth, opportunity and choice on various levels. I have experienced many of the above that at the very least have exacerbated my condition or have a route cause in it. I suspect the same for many others to. So this is where I say talking/meditating therapies must be balanced with the need for social justice because this is a massive factor too. And many feel the need to revisit and change the existing systems for the future and to protect themselves.
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Dear Clare,
I would also urge you to read this.
http://www.dpac.uk.net/2012/04/a-tale-of-two-models-disabled-people-vs-unum-atos-government-and-disability-charities-debbie-jolly/
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