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The loneliness of depression and the importance of talking
Posted Thursday 18 October 2012
I took an overdose in June this year. It’s not the first time I have taken an overdose. It was not the last. But that overdose was significant. It was when I realised that my depression was really back with a vengeance. I had a friend with me at the time, which was lucky because he looked after me. But it was also important because seeing how much I scared him made me realise that things were serious.
Since June I have been quite open with people about my depression. I realised that for me my depression is fuelled by feeling as if I have failed. I am one of those people who ostensibly have a good and very successful life. Feeling down all the time made me feel like I was letting myself and everyone else down. I realised that I needed to talk to people to overcome that guilt.
And talking to people is great. If you haven’t tried it then I would definitely recommend it. People have surprised me by how kind and sympathetic they are. Mental health issues do not have the same stigma that they once did, and organisations like Mind and the Samaritans are really helping to get people to accept that depression and anxiety are actual illnesses, as real as a broken leg or a nasty infection.
But sometimes even talking to people has made me feel very lonely.
For me my depression feels like the tide coming in. It happens slowly and gradually, and then it is suddenly there and I’m swamped. Once it is there it feels like someone else is doing my thinking for me. It feels like I become a different person. I can almost look at myself and know that I don’t want to be feeling down and sad, but I have no control of the thoughts and feelings which tell me that I am worthless and useless. Sometimes I feel completely disconnected from the world. I describe it as feeling like I've walked into a familiar room but all the furniture has been moved a half inch out of place. It is my life but it doesn't feel quite right. I end up feeling like I am going mad.
If I describe this to someone who has had depression or anxiety they can often understand what I mean. But when I describe it to someone who has never felt like that they tend to look at me a bit blankly. My friend who was with me when I took the overdose knows me incredibly well, and is one of the most sympathetic people I know, but sometimes I feel that even he doesn't quite ‘get it’.
And I think that, for me, this is one of the hardest things about depression – it makes me feel very lonely because I can’t make other people understand it.
Sometimes it frustrates me. I don’t feel angry with my friends who don’t quite understand. They are not doing anything wrong. If anything I get angry with the depression and the fact that it feels like it is cutting me off from the world. I can try as hard as I like to explain, but it still feels like no one understands.
Now, if you are reading this and any of this sounds remotely familiar then hopefully you will have realised the obvious: you are not alone. There are lots of us out there who feel exactly the same way. How exactly your depression feels will be very personal to you. But you are not by yourself. That’s just what the depression does.
And my advice, for what it is worth, is that no matter how difficult it is don’t give up on talking to people. I have found friends that I never knew were there. And for each person who doesn't understand me and just tells me to ‘snap out of it’, there is someone who will sit and listen over a cup of tea. Which helps me to feel a little less alone.
Louisa
You can read more from Louisa on her personal blog.
Opening up to someone about a mental health problem can be really difficult, but it can be helpful to talk to someone about how you're feeling. There are some tips on telling someone about a mental health problem on the Time to Change website.
12 Comments
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The general theme of this post seems to be very relatable for me and so, I suspect, for many others. The main burden that people have nowadays is not necessarily the fact that they may or may not have a mental illness, but the fact that they will, at some point, have to tell someone. No matter how many people try and avoid it, the idea of a stigma being attached to them is something that is always seen to have a negative effect.
Although I am not personally in this position, I know many people who are and just generally talking about life is something I too find very difficult. The idea that the person you are talking to has no understanding of what you are trying to say can be very daunting.
"And for each person who doesn't understand me and just tells me to ‘snap out of it’, there is someone who will sit and listen over a cup of tea. Which helps me to feel a little less alone." - one of the best things I've ever heard!
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I can totally relate to Louisa's post, depression in itself is intrinsically isolating & having lived with it for over 15 years I've found benefits in talking both to professionals such as counsellors & psychiatrists, & to family & friends also. I find I tend not to talk so much these days as I have other methods of coping, like I write out everything I'm thinking in a kind of frenzied thought-dump & delete/discard it soon after. This I find helps stop destructive thoughts becoming repetitive & relentless, which I guess in essence is what can be gained through talking too.
I think talking can relieve some of the loneliness of depression in that it can bring a feeling of security that others know you're not in such a good place, although as Louisa says this can potentially highlight the differences between you & others not afflicted by depression & leave you struggling with the realisation that you are ultimately alone battling your illness. It's more or less impossible to explain a suicidal state of mind to someone who hasn't experienced it & I totally agree with Louisa in that it's like living in an altered reality where all looks as it should do on the surface yet underneath is a sometimes incredibly dark reality. I tend to use my psychiatrist as a safety net & take security from knowing that if if I keep him in the know & manage my medication then there's far less chance of me falling prey to suicidal thoughts.
With depression you have to learn to ride the bad times in whatever way you can & let yourself believe better days will come along so they can have the chance to. All an incredibly difficult feat when the foundations shift constantly & you'd rather not have to need to talk to people just to stay on course.
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I can totally relate to Louisa's post, depression in itself is intrinsically isolating & having lived with it for over 15 years I've found benefits in talking both to professionals such as counsellors & psychiatrists, & to family & friends also. I find I tend not to talk so much these days as I have other methods of coping, like I write out everything I'm thinking in a kind of frenzied thought-dump & delete/discard it soon after. This I find helps stop destructive thoughts becoming repetitive & relentless, which I guess in essence is what can be gained through talking too.
I think talking can relieve some of the loneliness of depression in that it can bring a feeling of security that others know you're not in such a good place, although as Louisa says this can potentially highlight the differences between you & others not afflicted by depression & leave you struggling with the realisation that you are ultimately alone battling your illness. It's more or less impossible to explain a suicidal state of mind to someone who hasn't experienced it & I totally agree with Louisa in that it's like living in an altered reality where all looks as it should do on the surface yet underneath is a sometimes incredibly dark reality. I tend to use my psychiatrist as a safety net & take security from knowing that if if I keep him in the know & manage my medication then there's far less chance of me falling prey to suicidal thoughts.
With depression you have to learn to ride the bad times in whatever way you can & let yourself believe better days will come along so they can have the chance to. All an incredibly difficult feat when the foundations shift constantly & you'd rather not have to need to talk to people just to stay on course.
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amazing. thanks very much for the encouragement Louisa. Your description of depression & the related problems has astounded me. I couldn't have put it better myself & so badly need to realise that there really are people out there who will understand, and not judge. thanks for renewing my hope...
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I have finally admitted to myself that I have depression - I thought that was a hard first step, but I found it even harder to approach my doctor to ask for help. After months of telling myself to snap out of it or putting it down to work/tirdeness/hormones, I have seen my doctor who has put me in touch with my local mental health services and I have a telephone interview next week. I KNOW I'm not alone, it just feels like that most of the time....
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This is an excellent read.
Thank you Louisa for writing it; clear, personal and reflective, I felt myself agreeing to much of what has been said with regards to my own situation, and the sentiment of communicating your situation is absolutely right.
Cheers,
Paul -
Great post, and I completely relate to how you feel. I too feel a bit cut off from my friends and family at times, and I know they don't really understand - it doesn't mean they won't be there though.
It's good to know I'm not alone:)
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Thank you all for your kind and generous comments.
To all of you who are suffering I think it is good for us all to know that we are not out there by ourselves, even if that is how depression makes us feel.
Talking about depression is always going to be difficult. The first step of telling someone, and in that admitting it to yourself, is often the hardest. But I do truly believe that it does and can get better after that.
Louisa
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Wow!!! It always so good when I read about others people's perception of how depression affects their life. This is a very powerful blog - and I can relate to everything you said in it. I have suffered with what I describe as pretty severe clinical depression for some 23 years now and far from getting easier, I see my life deteriorate a little more each year - both emotionally and physically! I am simply exhausted! I guess what I have learned is that people who experience real depression have an understanding - almost a language of expression amongst themselves that speaks to something inside each of us - and that those who don't just don't get it. They are often full of 'meaning well' and expressions of hope and motivation and words of blind kindness - but essentially they just don't get it! It is frustrating - I want to feel understood and loved for who I am and most of the people in my life just see a part of me - they embrace me without my shadow and don't understand that the two are part of the one!
Thank you for your openness and honesty! Stam
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I think we also have to acknowledge that when we open up and talk to others about what we are going through we also make ourselves vulnerable. It is wise that we are careful whom we open up to. Even professionals have their weak sides. From experience I can say that there are definitely people out their who can react negatively to vulnerability. I have known people who I counted as friends and trustworthy only to find them take advantage of my vulnerability. I used to feel I had to go along with this and do what was asked and expected of me. I became angry and frustrated because I felt I needed the company through feelings of unworthiness. The advice I got from some people I also believed I had to take on board, after all I was the one with the mental health problems I thought. Some of that advice needed throwing straight in the bin, but I didn't know that at the time. So I would just urge a little caution about who we open up to.
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Stam - I understand what you mean about exhaustion. I can also entirely understand where you are coming from about the frustration of people not getting it. I regularly get cross and frustrated with people who just miss the point. It is hard work because so many people still struggle to understand. I just hope that you find that there are enough people who do get it a bit more, and that that balances it out.
Nick - I agree wholeheartedly that sometimes you need to be cautious. When I started talking to people I found it so hard to sift the good advice from the bad, and the bad advice just hurt me even more and reinforced my feelings of worthlessness. But over time I have found that there are a group of people who I can rely on and who will support me. Taking the step of talking to them was a risk. And I know that taking those sort of risks is not easy at all. I do, however, think in my case it was a risk worth taking.
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A mirror image of my own lapses into the overwhelming negative mood that kreeps in with depression.
This year I sank way down and only now am returning to a better place and I did the wrong type of self-management by withdrawing from society. It made the journey much harder and when we all start to improve it feels hard to remember how low we actually went.
Talking is indeed the first step even if talking firstly to a doctor and we are sometimes our own worst enemy as depression feeds on isolation and loneliness. We all need to fight it and I feel Minds Elephant in the |Room could be something really big and needs to go on from online support and chat to local groups.
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