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How do I articulate the daily struggle?
Posted Thursday 4 October 2012
Please be aware that this blog contains reference to suicidal feelings, which some people may find triggering, so please read carefully.
Life or death – that dialectic, that invisible choice, that unexplainable feeling. If you had asked me at 14 where do you want to be in 5 years, I would have said university – living the dream, and conforming to the path laid by society. If you had said to me at 19 where do you want to be in 5 years, the answer would have been very different - the answer would have been dead. Three years on and now the answer to that very question I do not know. It’s not the finer logistics: my career path, my geographic location, my relationship status that are questionable, to be honest they mean nothing, it’s the fact that to me life and death both exist, they’re both present and the dilemma is sadly still very real.
Have you ever lived each day with the question mark over whether you’ll see it through? Lived without feeling either pain or happiness? Lived with the belief that you do not exist?
Have you ever questioned the love of everyone around you? Needed someone so much that you ended up fearing them? Run so hard you stopped moving? It’s a mad world to describe, but it’s also a real one.
I don’t know if words could ever truly explain the life that is mine, and I don’t know if I really comprehend it either. After all, how do I begin to articulate the daily struggle when it doesn’t feel real to me, and even more so, how do I not trivialise it by meaningless words and analogies?
The thing is life is built of expectations and conformations; there is the norm and the expected, and similarly there is the abnormal and the unexpected. I built my life on visions and dreams, on ideals and mythology, which ultimately would be dashed. When building your life you don’t imagine illness or catastrophes, you don’t account for the inevitable set-backs that you will face and you don’t design for not being a part of society, and I think that’s what makes becoming ill - mentally ill - even harder.
I could talk over and over about my childhood, the laughter scattered with tears, the memories that are etched in my mind and the experiences that I hold with me today. I could describe the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder, for eating disorder, for depression and intellectually relay the feelings that accompany them, but can I truthfully determine the reality, the emotional heartbreak that accompanies the world of mental illness, I am somewhat doubtful. You see, it’s not the feelings that make living my life so challenging, it’s the void, the unexplainable. It’s sitting feeling everything but nothing all at once. It’s about loving while hating, and it’s about wanting while pushing away. It’s the searching while wanting to remain hidden, the self-destruction while wanting to be safe and ultimately the longing for an end while really just wanting to find a beginning.
My life plan wasn’t to hurt everyone I love, it wasn’t to look around at the scattered debris of my ambitions, and it wasn’t to stand in a room full of people and feel nothing at all. I didn’t draw a picture of being lost in a jungle, riding a rollercoaster, or falling down mountains, and I certainly didn’t dream that by nineteen I would choose death, over friends, over family, over life.
I can search and search for both my end and my beginning, I can imagine and dream for the life I once built in my mind, and I can run and hide from the person I believe I am, but at some point I have to realise that I am attempting the impossible.
I can’t and neither do I want to explain the path my life has taken, truly describe the events that have happened in recent years, or begin to articulate the entirety of the feelings that I have experienced. It’s not something I want to contain or form into black and white, nor is it an image that I want to draw on a page, because, by attempting to do so I would be removing the real essence of my reality. After all my life will never just be an image, and my feelings will never just be words.
Annabelle
You can follow Annabelle on Twitter @Dancingflame90
It can be really hard to explain how you're feeling to others, especially if you're having suicidal feelings. Our booklet on how to cope with suicidal feelings provides more information, and there's some helpful tips on the Time to Change website.
22 Comments
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Thank you Annabelle for writing a post that isn't all about how wonderful things are now you're recovered.
I believe it's writing like this, that shows the daily (or hourly/minutely) struggle some people still face, is the best thing that anyone can do for educating and fighting stigma.
We are bombarded with "success stories", stories of battles won and recovery hard-earned; it's much rarer especially on a site like this to see a *current* battle going on and to hear some of the distress people face on a daily basis as opposed to "five years ago". However, this is the reality and it must be faced and talked about openly if anything is ever going to really change.A note to Mind about the trigger warning - actually I find the aforementioned success stories much more 'triggering' becuse they are so unattainable and make me feel worthless and incapable of doing what the brave victor has accomplished. I'd much rather read a post like this that simply tells the truth that a gallant battle bravely won is not the case for everyone. I think there is too much fear around talking about *current* feelings of ending one's own life, that it's very tempting to slap a trigger warning on any post that contains the word "suicide" but maybe that does more to cement stigma than break it?
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Badlydrawncurtains - a really fabulous response. I too get disheartened and feel a failure for being unable to shake the beast away .. the "s" word should be discussed as many of us struggle with why we should hang on to our miserable lives when gripped with depression. Annabelle you have described so eloquently the daily struggle we have - at forty my life is strewn with unfulfilled ambitions and relationships that have at best been awful and at worse a reflection of the negativity i feel towards myself. Sometimes every door we open has a wall behind ... sometimes the miraculous cure or reprieve from the dark alludes us. Sure, we all have good days but the bad days are the ones that resonate the deepest - making life or death decisions , literally. Mental health issues hurt like hell. The drudge is tiring and the journey to recovery a very hard road indeed xx Take care of yourself . I hope the next bend in the road brings some hope for you
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I've been there and done that more times than I care to remember. What I would say is that, whilst my life has not been what I expected it to be, it has nonetheless been rewarding, challenging and full of love. When it's bad, it's really bad... when it's good, it's precious. I try to embrace both, and live on.
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Inspirational! Thank you, and I agree with @Badly Drawn Curtains here:
"I'd much rather read a post like this that simply tells the truth that a gallant battle bravely won is not the case for everyone. I think there is too much fear around talking about *current* feelings..."Success looks like personal failure when it's "unattainable". Light on the current struggle, the current feeling also help. One of the tools I tell people about is a service called MoodPik (www.moodpik.com) which helps you talk about/visualize your feelings/moods (privately or publicly) while putting you within reach of your support system.
It's really refreshing to see this sort of courage, so thanks.
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I just want to second the above reply. I too grow weary of reading stories of full recovery, yes they're true, yes they're amazing, and it is nice to know that some have made it out of the abyss. However for those of us still in it, the things we need to hear are that other people feel the things we do. That we're not the ones left behind. Still struggling. Id never detract from anyone's success in beating the beast, but personally, for me, i can find it makes me a little lonely, due to what has already been said in above post. At the point i'm at, and i can only speak for myself, that place IS one of those dreams that gets dashed. I feel teased with a life i cannot obtain, will never have, that i dare not believe i could live. To my point, i read all the posts that go on here, its rare i reply. This touched me, it did not trigger me. It brought me comfort that i'm not on my own with this. Thankyou.
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Your words are touching,and captivate the words I want to say,It is good to write these things down but I have tried and find that my closest dont want to believe my feelings,they want me in their world,for I look well so therefore I am ok,but inside is a feeling of desperation,anxiety and disbelief.
I want to help fight the stigma as if that is broken down,the pressure may ease as it is an on going circle.
Thankyou for sharing,I agree with the above comment,the happy recovery stories are more of a trigger as we also want to be better and puts pressure on us to do so,writing like Annabelle's makes me feel im not alone,I am Ill but not alone,we just need more support,im still waiting for the recovery team,festering away like an over ripe apple in the autumn sun! -
Wow. Don't know what to say but I felt every word.
It has made me feel both very sad but also kind of relieved to read such a frank and honest account. I echo the above comments; it is so refreshing, and strangely encouraging, to read such an honest account of the existing daily battle and war of worlds within our mind. Thank you so much for being so brave.
Thank you for sharing Annebelle. I think you are very brave and wish you every success x
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Thank you for the honesty and the elegance of your words. I agree with the sentiments in all the above comments. Although I am truly sorry for your suffering Annebelle I agree most of all that its nice to know that these struggles aren't exclusively mine, that there are people like you that have travelled a further three years down an uncertain path, showing your courage and resilience. That a strong mind can overcome these daily struggles without the pressure of labels like cured or full recovery. Like you mine is a daily struggle and a life of uncertainty, but having read your words I know this is another day I will see through. Thank you
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Can I just say a huge thank you for all the comments. There was a huge gamble in submitting this post because it was from me. It doesn't illustrate the triumphs, the battles won, but the day to day reality of my life, which can sometimes be hard to own, hard to admit to and even harder to explain/comprehend.
I am proud (scary to say) of where I've got to, no, not everyday is a success, and not every fight do I win, but I'm still walking, we're still walking, and that in its self is an achievement we should all be proud to have.
Recovery has a place, but sometimes the success is hidden in daily survival. No, it's not easy but it is real, and accepting each day is where, for me, the foundations of recovery lie.
Many thanks again
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Like pretty much everyone that's commented so far, this post really resounded with me as a person that does have struggles on a daily basis, and isn't (and maybe won't ever be) fully 'recovered'.
Lately a lot of what you've written about has come up in my daily life. How do you tell someone how you feel, on the daily basis, about how difficult each day is? It seems that people can understand a visual crisis - they can be there to catch you then, but it can be terribly difficult for people to understand the pain of just existing and attempting normal tasks.
It really moved me when I read this post because I completely identified with what you've said about the approach to not only your past and present, but also your future; expectations, disappointments etc. As most people have said it's refreshing to see that those feelings aren't exclusively mine, and to know that I'm not alone in this minefield.
Thank you!
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Thank you for sharing that, as someone with BPD and Depression I could very much relate to what you wrote.
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I can totally relate to so much you've said. I think it's brilliant you've posted such honesty, thank you
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Thank you for posting this Annabelle, it's something I can really relate to.
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Thank you for this Annabelle, I entirely agree with the above comments. You express what the struggle is like so well, although as you say it is so difficult to articulate.
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Reading your post and the comments that follow I am struck by how articulate, intelligent and expressive you all are. I think it is very important in terms of mental health stigma that people are able to see this and hopefully challenge stereotypical perceptions of what it means to have a mental health issue.
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Totally agree with Badly Drawn Curtains and thank you Annabelle.
I hate the 'recovery model' with every fibre of my being it makes me feel ill. I'm also sad at how even fellow service users/survivors can judge others survival - because of recovery, and how it has been used politically and clinically to hammer people into submission.We used to talk about current and ongoing struggles before everyone demanded 'recovery stories' at events, conferences and for articles. I'm not recovered, I'll never be bloody recovered and I don't want to be if it means turning into a mind numbing troll spouting utter meaningless crap about "my journey" and how it is 'whatever you want it to be'.
Ah, that's better..
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Thanks for posting this. I only know too well exactly what it's like to feel like this, to watch life drawing in around me and seemingly turning against me. For me, it was a successful application to university and I began attendance. It was after 7 months of studying that I experienced another break down and began experiencing suicidal thoughts before attempting to take my own life. At this time, I wouldn't admit to the way I feel and I even lied to medical staff when in hospital. I would urge anybody feeling this way to seek help. It doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. I suffered like this continuously for the best part of 2 years, with continuous attempted overdoses, drug abuse and self-harm. It may seem that these is no way up, but things can only get better, or so they say to me.
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Well I've tried but other people see my madness and crush me time and time again
No one would expect cancer sufferers to recover by themselves but we are expected not only to suffer the hell of dpression alone but to somehow 'recover' and become a part of this wonderful society
I would bet that more than half of those in psycharitc hosptials right now are not feeling the way i am right now bu5 5hq343 iw no5 h3lp ou5 5h343 so there wont be recovery ever
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This has really made me think as I have worked in self-management of mental ill health and the focus is always on the recovery model. I have been indoctronated by this and feel the term 'recovery' has somehow become medicalised as health professionals now use the term.
In reality what Annabelle has written above: "Recovery has a place, but sometimes the success is hidden in daily survival" is nearer the reality.
I have lived with a mental health condition for 25 years and know that the 'daily survival' is often a major part of my condition but the term recovery from a medics point seems to be just that; oh your OK now your in recovery....little do they know that we live each day with the beast called mental illness following in the shadows.
Thank you so much for sharing your daily life especially at a time where political parties are causing havoc with peoples mental health. -
WOW! Annabelle just god WOW! You have really hit the issue right on the head with your aww insipiring words I would never be able to fraise such an eloquent and wonderful discription of how so many of us who still struggle every day with our respective issues. I was taken out of what I call circulation of the world and placed in almost complete Isolation by my own family out of fear of outsiders to the family it was not till I turned 18 that I took my first tentive steps to so called "RECOVERY". I spent years in therapy being told that it will get better that my struggles with just getting up trying to go outside would slowly get better and for a time it seemed to I was going out a little improving my nonexsistant education and started to look for a small low stress 15 hour job to get me on my feet. But then as alpacafluff said "Sometimes every door we open has a wall behind ... sometimes the miraculous cure or reprieve from the dark alludes us" all my "SUPPORT" fell away one after another I spent 3 YEARS looking for that job and it NEVER appeared. And now at 26 I find myself back at square one. Not going out or seeing any point to anything out there. What I suffer from is quite an extensive list social phobia, ADD, mutiple ocds,Insomnia,depression,anxiety and a Major lack of energy,drive and direction I've no idea what I want from work or even life. What makes me feel REALLY detached from others (my first online outing) Is that I am gay a total homo I've never been attracted to beauties who speak so lovely like yourself or the other lovely ladies who have commented here and I'm actually still a virgin (I actually take a little pride in that). And now I've got the authorties telling to get to work as though I can just snap out of it and be "better". God what a rant, that's a lot of personal infomation there for just a comment but I've been writing and rewriting this for 3 hours and I'm committed to posting it. I love your words of the inner duality. Anthony.
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Your honesty is amazing. Having suffered from depression for fifty years now I can only say to you to hang in there. Life for people like us is difficult, maybe the rewards we see other people achieving such as good jobs. stable homes and happy families are out of our reach. But we CAN live rewarding lives. Our triumphs can be simple ones, like feeding the birds, watching how beautiful nature is, lending a helping hand to others in difficulty. You have already STARTED doing that, just by posting such an honest and helpful account of your illness. And to Anthony who replied to you I want to say don't be afraid, because you are gay doesn't mean you have to be detached from others. Having a gay son myself I know there is a lot of on line help and support out there for you. I pray every night for all of us who struggle with mental health issues. But none of us are alone. We are a family and a community together. Good health and happiness to all of you x jan.
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I feel like I want to end my life each and every day, I think of how to do it and the only reason I don't, I don't want to hurt my wife.
I hate feeling like this, I have a good job, a wonderful wife, a great house and dogs I love. Tired of feeling like this as its exhausting
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