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Coping with stigma
Posted Friday 21 September 2012
I believe my diagnosis was the start of a new chapter in my life, I also believe I have been over prescribed and for long periods of my treatment, not listened to as well as I should have been.
I have a massive feeling of guilt regarding my diagnosis, not through any feelings of self pity or sense of being unlucky, but because I feel unworthy of its definition. My life has been a rollercoaster, I first realised I wasn’t as mentally healthy as my friends in my early teens, but did not receive a term for what I was experiencing until my twenties.
I was initially diagnosed with schizophrenia, but that diagnosis later changed. The TV would communicate with me and it was impossible to listen to music because of delusions that I’d written the songs. I also hallucinated about groups of people standing in front of me and gabbling things to me. By the time I got a term for my illness I had been through the criminal justice system, acquired the nickname of ‘Mad Tom’ and was the victim of terrible stigma and bullying.
I had always been open about how I felt and often shared how I was feeling with friends, but only one of them bothered with me when they realised I had a mental health problem.
That’s when the stigma started to develop into something much more serious. At first it was just gentle teasing and comments like 'you’re mental, you’ then as my symptoms gradually got worse it became ostracism to the point that I felt completely isolated.
In an effort to reintegrate myself into the community, I started hanging about with a group of guys who I thought were friends, but the sad reality was they just made my condition worse by winding me up with nasty comments and snide remarks. They would often put ecstasy and cocaine into my drinks without me knowing and then torment me until I cried.
I should have been stronger and contacted one of the many fantastic organisations like Mind, Time to Change, Rethink or Sane, but I couldn’t because I didn’t not know they existed at the time.
All the time their treatment of me was getting gradually worse, they would shave my hair and cut off my eyebrows, steal my possessions and threaten me with violence if I stood up for myself. They hit me with iron bars to the point that a few months before I turned 33, I attempted suicide.
When I came round from the tablets I had taken, my consultant said to make sure I called him if it happened again. It did and one of my tormenters banged my head on the side of the fireplace, causing a deep cut. When my birthday came around I was bound, naked, with clingfilm, to a lamppost, listening to a chorus of mocking laughter and nasty comments.
That’s when my recovery started, I made a promise to myself to get help and nearly eight years on I have just graduated from university and have a bright future ahead of me.
My experience has made me extremely wary of people and sometimes the anger I feel is very hard to control. But in a strange way, the people who made my life hell were the making of me, because they gave me a drive to get better and learn to live with my illness.
I would say to anyone who is experiencing this kind of treatment to contact someone like Mind, because there are people who will listen and help you to live as full a life as possible.
Thomas
You can also follow Thomas on Twitter @saddler71
We’re here to make sure no one has to face a mental health problem alone. Search for your local Mind service or call our Infoline team on 0300 123 3393.
10 Comments
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Thomas, Sounds absolutely horrific what you have had to endure. I can't see how anybody having gone through what you have wouldn't have their whole lives seriously affect. However, even though I don't know how you found the strength you have made a success by your graduation.
I can certainly relate to some of your earlier symptoms. Although I was misunderstood and faced psychological bullying (and still do on occasions) I have been spared the physical bullying. I specifically avoided people who I believed would get physical with me. Having the TV and radio communicating with me as an individual - check. Being obsessed with a certain musician whose lyrics were only for me and communicating on my behalf in interviews - check. Certain groups of strangers and none strangers talking in code among each other in my presence - check. Feeling that the person on the check-out (among many others) could see into my soul and know what I was thinking - check. People who would wear certain types of clothing used as code language - check. A code I was never really able to work out fully but understood just enough (and no more) to belive it was a conspiracy. The musician I was obsessed with was one of those friendly powers who would be putting my side forward (all done in code of course). This all first began when I was sixteen. I tried to hide it all (cause I didn't know what was happening to me or who to take it to) and there were times of abatement and a little respite which never seemed to last. Until when I was in my thirties having experienced a broken marriage, lost my self employment, and became destitute at the mercy of others. I had a breakdown which lasted well over a decade. I did eventually (through my local mind) begin to meet others who had experienced similar things and the road to stability began. I was eventually diagnosed with anxiety and depression ( sounds a bit of a throw away diagnosis after what I've experienced) I'm much more stable these days.
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Bullying drove me to insanity and I'm at the end of my working life, retired at 43 as a result, and I have a bright future ahead of me because I am insulated from bullying because I can choose the company I keep, and for how long. But I'll never have the courage to return to the workplace, it's dodgy government. Whatever the world has waiting for me I know that it's better than what I went through, I'm on my way up to poverty and I feel truly blessed, I really do. Good for Tom, he changed his life, I know how wonderful it feels. There is always a doubting moment when I worry that I could be bullied again. I am a whole new me and I am getting used to my new limits for stress and activity, I'm using obstacles as stepping stones and I am winning. Life is beautiful when we realise that those who torture us are a lower specie than we will ever be.
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It just shows what people like us can achieve. Congratulations on turning your life around and I know like myself to stay that way can at times be a struggle.
Alas stigma could be classed as a condition itself as it debiliates and feeds on the the kick downs in life. I have never received the appaling knocks you had but have had more than my fair share of the impact of stigma. I wonder when people will eventually see mental ill health as no different than a physical condition. Some countries manage this far better than us but many more still lock us away. As Irving Goffman wrote on stigma, it is those who stigmatise who are at fault. -
I'm horrified at what was done to you, deeply saddened but so pleased that you survived. Wishing you a good future with decent caring friends who appreciate you for who you are.
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Thank guys, your words mean so much! Nick I feel your experience is expressed far more eloquently than my own and you describe a lot of my early symptoms perfectly. Shona thats terrible that you had to retire at 43-I'm sure you still have a lot to offer. Phil i aggree totally with your statement about stigma being deabilitating, in my experience the stigma was more difficult to cope with than the illness. I wont rest until we live in a society where mental illness is viewed as part of an individual rather than THE individual. Mindreader, I have four four friends who are wonderful, caring, and have restored my faith in people. Well they have and folk like all of you-Keep fighting the stigma!!
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Just want to add my support, you are obviously an amazingly strong person to have come through what you have and graduating from uni too, you should feel very proud of yourself, as well as being prepared to speak out. Your tormentors should be utterly ashamed of their behaviour which I would argue is clearly the product of far more disturbed minds!
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I really admire how you've managed to turn a horrific experience into a positiver one. It is so horrible what you went through and it makes me really sad to read that. I hope the experiences haven't left too much of a deep scar but you have done so brilliantly to excel and i can only wish you the absolute best in the future.
The way they treated you says awful things about them, nothing is reflected badly on you. Im so pleased you sought out the other side and as they say, the only way from here is up.
You have my full support and friendship.
Katie (Comfort_talks)
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congratulations for breaking the stigma and showing people what u can achieve and you have reminded me anything is possible x
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Dear Thomas,
Sounds all too familiar the so called friends the ones that can not wait to stab you in the back, befriend and say derogatory names continuously behind ones back. I have found this is down to jealousy and their inferior as people to treat other people in a human way.. Ten out of Ten Thomas for turning your life around fantastic.. Standing back and then deciding on the way forward is always refreshing when you have made the right decision and look back in years to come. The journey for some is truly very hard and sometimes its even harder when they have no parents for the support and care that is needed when dealing in such harsh conditions of society. Good luck and stay wise in the future. I do believe that true friends are out there still god knows why but for only allowing the trust and to relinquish such friendships can and should happen. As Katie kindly expressed you too have my full support and friendship. Best rgds, K :-) -
Thanks, everyone for your kind words, Kay I was extremely lucky in that I had a really supportive family who were fantastic. I will say that at the time of all this was going on I was self medicating a lot so in a way I made myself into an even easier target but I didn't deserve how I was treated-nobody does. All of your comments mean a great deal to me personally and I hope that you all stay safe and prosper.
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