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The proudest day of my life and my struggle to get there
Posted Tuesday 11 September 2012
I first went to university when I was 18 in the mid-90s. I had been diagnosed with depression before moving away from home to go to university but had very little support once there. I hid my problems and I really struggled. My depression worsened and eventually I agreed to a voluntary hospital admission.
This was at a time when mental health problems were still very much a taboo subject. When the university found out I was asked to leave the course. I was too unwell to put up a fight, and left, to the great disappointment of my parents.
At the age of 30, after undergoing DBT and Art Therapy, I decided to study again and applied to the University of Bradford. I was offered a place and initially I was too afraid of discrimination to declare my mental health problems because of what had happened to me in the past. It felt like someone was going to tap me on the shoulder any minute and say there had been a mistake, I shouldn’t be there. My depression worsened through the winter and the pressure of keeping it to myself, along with the feelings of shame at having something to hide made it so much worse.
After a while I couldn’t face going in to lectures. One of the lecturers phoned me at home to see if I was alright. I admitted my mental health problems to her and she then phoned me every day for a few minutes to keep in touch and make sure I was OK. Nobody had ever done that before and it meant a lot to me.
When I returned to university the lecturer encouraged me to officially disclose my health problem and apply for Disabled Student Allowance (DSA). It seemed like a big risk – what if I faced more discrimination? She also explained that it is confidential and that university staff are not told why someone has adjustments, so nobody would know unless I wanted them to.
I had to challenge my own self-stigma and overcome my fears, or I could see myself leaving this degree course too. I applied for DSA and received a comprehensive package of support including subsidised taxis to university to make it easier to face when my depression is bad, a laptop, printer and text books because I found it hard to use the university library because of my anxiety. My DSA also paid for a mentor for helping me with motivation problems and study skills, and a notetaker because I was missing big bits of lectures due to concentration problems. Further adjustments included extra time and a separate room for exams.
I relied heavily on the support for the first 3 years of my course and gradually needed less. In my third year I received a Regional Adult Learner of the Year award in recognition of my academic achievements despite health difficulties. This seemed a big turnaround from being asked to leave university all those years ago to now being given an award!
There were many times that I felt like giving up but I felt, this time round, that the university were behind me, encouraging me every step of the way. I graduated after 7 years with a first class Master of Pharmacy degree and it was the proudest day of my life. I really doubt I would have achieved this without asking for support, so if you are a student with mental health problems, please ask for help, don’t keep it all to yourself.
Emily
You can tweet or follow Emily @crochetkid75
A few small words can make a big difference. Don't be afraid to talk about mental health.
If you would like support, you can contact your local Mind or call our Infoline team on 0300 123 3393 to find help near you.
14 Comments
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Emily
I am not surprised it was the proudest day in your life. It is a fantastic achievement. With many of the Universities and Colleges starting back over the next few weeks it is also a very timely reminder that there is help there if you can find that courage to ask (usually from student services).
There is a growing campaign to talk about mental illness and being bold enough to speak out you demonstrait just what a change it can bring about. Yet there is a lesson for everyone else too, I notice how much you valued the support of the lecturer and the mentor, so support even if it is taking a few minutes out of your day really seems to make a difference.
So well done and well deserved, and I hope that your carreer is marked by the same success. -
I read this sitting in the foyer of my local college where I am about to enrol for my degree course...19 years after dropping out of the last one for similar reasons to you. Perfect timing for helping quash those "what the Hell am I doing?" jitters! Hugest congratulations on your achievements and every success for the future xxx
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Emily, so gald to hear your story and that you reached your goal through such adversity. Good to hear of the support and acceptance you received from the uni. My local uni has changed big time in the acceptance of difference and personal needs. being an ever so very part-time member of the library staff, we all (including all employees of the uni achedemic staff) undergo on-line diversity training each year. We are then individually tested on our knowledge of diversity and disability. I know of no other safer place for me to spend a few hours each week. I do declare myself officially disabled due to my depression and anxiety. I feel no weired feelings towards me from my
colleagues and they will go out of their way to support me. But then, isn't this how it should naturally be? I suppose it helps with my uni having a mental health faculty. The law was also changed in recent years so that no discrimination is now allowed on the grounds of disability. this includes mental health disability. I suppose unis are big enough and aware enough to embrace such enlightenment. And why shouldn't they!
Very best wishes for the future.
Nick. -
Hi Emma,
What a fantastic and uplifting story. So glad you were able to get help at Bradford through tutors and DSA.
I too got ill when I was student in Cambridge in 1990 and told no one. Somehow I passed and returned to do a PGCE in 1999. The only help I got then was from my amazing tutor.
In case others are looking for help at university go to the UMHAN website http://www.umhan.com/ . I have been Mental Wellbeing Advisor at the University of Hertfordshire since 2007. Many universities have advisors who provide the sort of support that was so lacking when I was a student.
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You have a lot to be proud of Emily.
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Excellent blog! Im going through exactly the same at my university
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Thats great Emily :) I just graduated from university and was overwhelmed by the support from staff once they knew I needed help. xx
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I suffered a breakdown over a year ago after making the decision to leave my full time job of 8 years and return to education. Shortly after, I began to think I had made the wrong decision, then came the depression. I, like most people, thought mental health issues were a state of mind, and that people who suffered with them were weak...how wrong I could have been. I suffered at the beginning of my first year, taking lots of time off and being unable to leave the house. This thing has changed me into a complete polar opposite of myself, but I'm getting there slowly. Now I'm the highest acheiver in my class and have been nominated for Student Ambassador.
Thanks to blogs like yours, it helps to just take a breath and think 'I'm not alone, and I am normal'
Good luck! -
Many congratulations Emily! What a journey you have been on. Thanks for sharing your experience
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Thanks for all your great messages! I can definitely echo what Nick has said about university being a safe and nurturing place - a zero tolerance policy on any form of discrimination. Also Graeme's comment - a few kind words made all the difference. For those of you that are new or current students, each day I managed to get through meant another step closer to my goal, and I said this to myself over and over again to get me through the hard times. You're achieving, just by managing to turn up each day. Studying has also helped me develop as a person and increase my self-confidence. So bookmark the blog and come back to read it if it helps - I'll be doing the same whenever I doubt myself in the future! Remember - speak out and ask for help. Selina, Lisa and Gemma, good luck and keep going!
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Hi Emily,
Thank you for sharing your story. I've twice had to leave university due to my struggle with mental illness and wish I'd known about the support available. Thank you for helping to publicize this and giving me hope that I am still capable of achieving despite my health. I wish you every success in the future and I'm sure you'll go far as you've already proven how determined and resilient you are. Well done! -
I to attended Uni with a mental health condition. I actually dropped out of two courses as I know now at the time I wasn't really ready. I attended the University of Derby and completed a degree in 'Human Science' and due to the nature of the course was able to pick many health related sessions. I did my dissertation on the impact of stigam in mental illness.
All I can say is well done; I never attended my graduation simply because I did the course to prove I could do it with a mental health diagnosis. To this day I cannot thank the staff at Derby enough who increased my deadlines for course work and were all very supportive. -
Emily and Phil,
Derby university is the where I work part-time. (in the library). I was asked on a couple of occasions (at my request) to share some of my mental health experiences with students in lectures. I was so chuffed with the overwhelming response I received. The main feed-back from students was, how important and so helpful it was to have someone experiencing mental health issues to be able to share with them from real ife experience. I was surprised by myself too as I talked for half an hour without any real notes or experience. I felt like a natural. It was mainly occupational therapy students which I liked the best.
Nick.
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Emily,
Huge congratulations on graduation. Your story has inspired me. I have had to deal with depression undiagnosed for many years and although I have learnt ways of self-coping to deal with it better, It actually has built up and created more problems too. You have given me the confidence to be more open about it and I can start to recover and seek help.
I wish you the best for the future.
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