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Me vs. suicide - today I win
Posted Monday 10 September 2012
Monday 10 September 2012 marks the 10th anniversary of World Suicide Prevention Day, the theme of which is hope. Jojo blogs for us about her fight against suicide and why today, she is the winner.
Please note this blog contains frank discussion of suicidal thoughts and may trigger, so please read carefully.
Ten years ago I was a student nurse with a big plan to visit South America but it all went wrong. I lost my nursing place, I couldn't go to South America, everything had disappeared and I would NEVER get it back. I attempted suicide - obviously I survived and I can't tell you just how angry and disappointed I was when I woke up in hospital the next day.
I'd like to spin you a lovely tale of how I 'got over' my suicide attempt, how I bloomed into 'one of us' who would never do 'that sort of thing', where I am a colourful and sprightly ray of sunshine with a perfect life and fairy dust spewing from my shoes. If that's what you're looking for then stop reading now and enjoy the fairy dust.
This post would have no value if it wasn't honest. Suicide is my opponent and it's trying to kill me. You can think of it as you like: a black dog, a lion, a devil, whichever way you look at it, it's a killer and the fight is all in the game plan.
There are three stages to this game: preparation, the fight and the endgame.
In the preparation, life is good. I’m a student nurse, a traveller and a musician. I allow myself to accept that life isn't perfect but that I've achieved good marks on my course, and I've found the courage to travel and to say it's ok to be proud of myself because I worked hard and did well.
In preparation I make outlandish plans because it forces me to look ahead to something positive, to work at something so I can believe in myself when I achieve it. Most of these plans are made when I am struggling to see a future; it feels contrived at the time but it's a tactic that works for me.
In the fight, Suicide and I are in our corners, it's psyching me out: "They don't care about you!". We progress to dancing around the ring - I eat properly, try to sleep well, get out in the fresh air and see friends. It laughs at my efforts, telling me they're pointless, I'm pointless, my friends don't want me. We throw punches - Suicide lays me under the duvet spinning my thoughts. I punch back by dragging myself out for a walk. I remove the words 'never' and 'always' from my vocabulary because Suicide uses them to magnify problems. I set myself a goal, achieve it and we are out of the ring. I win, and I pat myself on the back because I am allowed, I fought hard.
Sometimes the fight goes on so long, I get so tired and Suicide has the upper hand; it's the endgame. Either I win or I die.
This isn't about fighting anymore, it's the break-away, it's using everything you've got left to just get out alive. I look Suicide straight in the eye and it's not peaceful or forgiving. I knock away the sentimental fantasies and force myself to see that the real death could be awful, slow, painful, and if I don't die then I could live on with permanent physical disabilities. This is the reality and I need to face its ugliness.
Suicide beats me harder, it's winning, I think of my family and friends. By this point I am not worth fighting for anymore, but they are. I force myself to accept that they WILL care, to see that they will have to carry my suicide with them for the rest of their lives and they deserve to know that I did everything I possibly could to get out alive.
I reach out for help from others and it feels like cheating, but Suicide tore up the rule book long ago, so any lifeline is fair game. I roll out of the ring, battered but alive.The thing about this fight is that it's always the same opponent, so every time you get to learn more about it and how to fight smarter. I float like a butterfly now and deliberately get out with my friends when things are slipping. I sting like a bee and talk to a friend or a helpline much earlier in the fight. I dwell on my achievements in balance with my failures and, in the spirit of that sentiment, I'd like to repeat:
I am a student nurse and I'm writing this from South America. Today, I win.
Jojo
Follow @Jojoplural on Twitter or visit her blog.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal feelings, there's information on our website about how to cope with suicidal feelings and how to support someone who is suicidal. There's also information available on what to do if you're in crisis.
8 Comments
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Thank you Jojo for this brave and frank posting about what it is like to live with suicidal thoughts. Long may you win!
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Just like the previous blog your story highlights the sheer power of suicidal thinking. It really is like a battle and sometimes the suicidal thoughts win and vica versa.
True our thoughts are fighting the internal fight and suicide prevention needs to focus firstly on frontline services and funding not cuts. It always makes me chukkle a little when "the government" wants to tackle suicide. I can tell the it is actually easy - early intervention funding and a focus on RECOVERY and HOPE. -
I am overwhelmed by your honesty. The struggle with your opponent and how unsure you are. How each battle will turn out. Although it is difficult I'm glad that you give yourself permission to fight dirty and use anything to battle to fight for yourself.
In your preparation stage I hear someone a musician, a student nurse and traveller someone who is creative, and cares. It feels like if you could hold on to that part of you that maybe you'll always be the stronger one.
Its great to reach out to family and friends, but I want you to know so there is no doubt, having read your story, whatever, anyone else says I will care about you in your struggle.
Keep taking care of yourself you have such creative streak and have it within you to inspire others as you have moved me. -
Jojo you certainly get across how relentlessly wearing feeling suicidal can be, that's it's a war of attrition, and the hard physical reality of it. Sometimes I think people can believe it to be easy, that when you've taken that very hard decision that someone the practicalities are somehow all sorted because if you 'want it enough' it will somehow happen, but most people don't have access to fast painless methods. Having seen others who have been left disabled I know how very wrong it can go, that there is [I believe] nearly always some ambivalence and it's an incredibly difficult and painful decision to reach and act upon. You get across how the struggle can continue for long periods of time, I wish you well.
As for Suicide Prevention Strategy in this country - that should be really easy to see - access to support [and ongoing support, not just in/out within weeks/6 months], and change housing and welfare policies which are actively killing people.
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Loved your honesty Jojo. Booze took me to a very dark similar place and a half - hearted attempt,tempting fate to finish the job and often going to bed wishing to wake up dead. I now see all negativity as coming from a 'lower power' or as the 'self annilation' described in a book I read. I like a line I read elsewhere "You're not not ok". Scott Peck starts his book "The Road Less Travelled" ... "life is difficult" as a truth to be accepted and from there progress is possible.
I found your article uplifting and am continuing to learn to trust my gut feeling around people, some are uplifting others are like leeches who seem to give nothing of themselves. That is not the case in your article. I don't often blog and only hope this is of some encouragement. I find a kind word or one of encouragement is worth more than material benefits. I have and continue to meet some of the most wonderful people who have/are dealing with harsh realities of life. The journey is worth it for that alone. The decision to put the two big feet on the floor is often one of the most difficult of the day. Once moving it usually helps as do understanding friends. I wish you well. Thank you for being who you are. Still Here :) -
Wow. Thank you for sharing, and for being so eloquent about what it feels like to wrestle this monster. This technique in particular felt like a bucket of cold water:
"Most of these plans are made when I am struggling to see a future; it feels contrived at the time but it's a tactic that works for me."
I tend to do exactly the opposite. I tend to make tons and tons of plans when I'm happy and fine, but then I get sick and forget them. Today, for example, I felt like I couldn't do anything. Like why should I bother. But making plans for the future works at least as an excuse to keep you alive in the present. It's amazing, and I will certainly try to practise it. Thank you so much.
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I completely agree that this is a fight. I've fought it so long and much as I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it is reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one fighting. I'm so glad to hear that you're winning, it sounds like you have a lot to offer the world.
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Hi everyone, thank you for your kind comments and support, sorry for the delay in my reply.
I'm touched at your responses and would just like to say "Don't Give Up" to those still fighting.
Thank you again, Jojo :)
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