My battle with schizophrenia and depression

Posted Monday 17 September 2012

Following intense bullying in school, I developed depression at the age of 13. Despite leaving school as soon as I could, I was unable to escape the darkness of depression and following additional bullying while I was in further education, I developed schizophrenia at the age of 18.

My main symptoms of schizophrenia were depression, hearing voices and having delusions, and I fought a hard battle against the illness and the doctors who were treating me. I read an article recently that estimated around 30% of schizophrenics do not respond to current medications. I was definitely one of them. I have never found anti-psychotic medication useful and on the contrary, I have found them to have had painful and distressing side effects.

Yet despite my body’s resistance to the medications, I am in remission from my worst symptoms. I put this down to the talking therapy I finally received after more than two years of waiting. I would recommend that talking therapies are offered to everyone with a mental health problem and I really believe that the government needs to at least quadruple the number of NHS therapists in the country!

Although I am in remission from my worst symptoms, I still experience depression and sometimes have some pretty bad days. However, no matter how bad I feel, I can now manage my worst days until I get to a better place mentally. When I have a good day, I do my best to make it last as long as possible and always stay aware of things that could trigger a bad day. When the bad days occur, I know that the quickest way out is to do whatever I feel like doing. As long as it isn’t harmful to myself or others that is! If I feel like crying, I will cry. If I feel like not talking to anyone, I’ll not say a word.

After a while of doing this, I will put on what I call my ‘happy face’ which is where I pretend to be happy around everyone so that they think I am really feeling that way. I do this because I prefer bringing myself out of a bad day and turn it into a good day. I don’t like relying on others to do this for me, because I don’t ever want to become dependent on help and risk harming myself if I’m ever alone.

As an ex self-harmer, I know what it’s like to take a bad mood out on myself, but I’m so desperate to make it to two years without self-harming that it’s really kept me focused on staying safe. When the two year mark passes, I will look ahead to the three year mark and so on. Each day can be a battle to get through but I keep fighting as I believe that one day the struggle will be worth it.

To anyone who is currently struggling and on the brink of giving up, I have this message:

There is always a notable day in a person’s recovery when they can say that they began to get better. Keep going just one more day because you never know, your starting day of recovery may be tomorrow.

Misty

Follow Misty on Twitter @SchizophrenicGB 

Read more about coping with depression and where to go to find help. Our Mind Infoline team can help you find help and support near you, do give them a call on 0300 123 3393.

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2 Comments

• Graeme replied on 18 Sep 2012 at 12:29

  Your journey does seem to have been very hard and not without its pitfalls. I notice the benefits that you got from talking therapies and as a counsellor in private practice I woudl echo your concern about the poor numbers of counsellors in the NHS.
  Yet all that is to miss the great achievement of getting to your third year of recovery and your continuing battle trough the bad days.
  Although you are relluctant to rely on other people I very much hope that there are those in your life who you could turn to, for it feels like yet another hurdle to get over by facing all of this alone.
  Beating this day by day obviously works for you and I look forward to hearing about you starting year 4
  Good luck

• dave replied on 21 Sep 2012 at 10:01

  after 45 years of family abuse
  i wrote about it all as the bear family
  telling my story but disasociated from me
  i was able to view me and mine as others do
  it let me see

  my coping has been aided by my belief that
  if there is one good day in a thousand thats worth it isnt it