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Speaking up for men who have suffered domestic violence
Posted Friday 7 September 2012
“Blight” was quite the seductress, or so it seemed, although I was sensing that all was not quite right. I failed to see an unhealthy clinginess and by the time I got to find out that she was married with 3 kids, I was strangely hooked. I was hooked to the extent that I went to Glasgow for a newly acquired job but after a fortnight, gave it up to get back to her. The train couldn't get home quick enough. Unbeknown to me, it was a journey into the jaws of hell!
Blight and I had stayed at her sister's whilst she was in the process of getting her husband out of the house. The kids were introduced to a rather awkward me. I felt uneasy as the kids seemed to be wearing dirty clothes only fit for the bin. They were brown and dark blue, always. I mentioned this and Blight and she told me that is what her husband insists on. Even more bizarrely, I was to find out that every internal wall in her house was dark brown and dark blue too. However, I was going to change things for all of them - step in “Super Stu!” I ignored these early alarm bells, although they contradicted my sense of normality and hygiene, even at that early stage.
Less than a week had passed when Blight began to be really suspicious of me, even me walking to the paper shop was met with a thousand questions and an attack about whether I was having a relationship with the woman behind the counter. Furthermore, a job interview I went for suddenly became a “joint effort” as Blight insisted on providing "support" for me. I allowed this to happen! As part of the interview, we were meant to mix with other candidates. I felt uncomfortable talking to others because I had already experienced Blight in the supermarket throwing tins at me because she thought I was looking at another woman – it was a nightmare.
I was determined to put things right in spite of the fact that my past started to gradually be stripped away too. First my souvenir university mug was smashed on the floor and my graduation picture torn to shreds during one of Blight's rages. Blight also prohibited the use of the name "Carol" in any context whatsoever. “Carol” was my ex, you see. The kids had to say they were going "song singing" at Christmas or they would risk getting hit.
Nothing could ever be mine and mine alone ever again, it felt, not even my own memories. I started to show the signs of trauma. I was not going out and was reluctant to talk to family and even the old friends I was “permitted” to see. When a woman starts punching herself in the face saying "go on then hit me!" you are left helpless, especially when they parade the self-inflicted bruises alongside well placed hints that “you had caused it.” What on Earth can you do then? The Stu I had been was well and truly demolished to the extent that when I tried to leave, I felt incapable of coping in what was becoming an increasingly strange outside world.
So you can see, it happens to men too and I hope having read what happened to me, people will realise that domestic abuse isn’t always about men abusing women. Men need help too to come to terms with what’s happened and get the support they need. I had 7 years of this and I want my experience to get other men who are suffering from similar experiences to speak out, seek help and get out when they can.
Domestic abuse left me with PTSD and I felt like a stranger in a world I once knew. I went through general counselling but was awkward and embarrassed about declaring that me, a grown man, was the victim of domestic abuse. Now, to help others, I am now openly declaring it. So here it is!
Stu
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Domestic abuse can affect anyone at anytime. Mind is here to make sure everyone has somewhere to turn for advice and support.
9 Comments
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Hi Stu.
Thank you so much for speaking out. It still remains a taboo subject for far too many. My ex was intelligent, articulate, confident and seemed to know how to get her way. Although I never had to experience physical violence, I did end up having a nervous breakdown when I finally couldn't take anymore of the psychological abuse. And because it was me who had to escape the home, I think I was seen as just another man abandoning his responsibilities.She came across as 'butter wouldn't melt' in public or when friends happen to come round. When we were alone - it was as if I didn't exsist. There was no respect. She wouldn't talk to me about what she was feeling or about the relationship. She was all too good at making demands and undermining almost everything I tried to do. You see, like you, I would sense something wasn't right but couldn't put my finger on it. Also, unknown to me at the time I was experiencing quite severe mental health issues. Not knowing how to admit this to myself (or anyone else) my symptoms and behaviour was seen as just part of my bad character. but inside I was broken, crying, a child in need of love and comfort. It didn't happen.
I put up with the other men cause I had nowhere else to go. I made my feelings about this known and was labelled an idiot! I tried talking to my GP at that time, (back in the eighties) all I was offered was a few pills. It was many years later struggling with the fall out that I began to realise that bullies can have the uncanny affect of making you think that the undermining, and abuse is somehow your own fault or that you must have deserved it. I still struggle with these things today many years later. She got on with her life in a matter of weeks setting up home in the house I had worked so hard for with someone else...I became a forgotten issue quite quickly. Part of me will always love her but part of me remembers the psychological abuse and its like trying to mix oil with water.
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Well done Stu for being brave enough to speak out & highlight this issue. I wish you well with your recovery, and campaign.
But the other thing that struck me from your post, & pleased to see acknowledged, is that PTSD can arise from abuse situations as well as single life-threatening events. As a sufferer of PTSD from prolonged (5yr) & increasingly extreme workplace bullying it's taken ages, & a previous misdiagnosis, to get trauma symptoms recognised for what they were & begin to get appropriate help (even though the issue of 'complex PTSD' is now acknowledged on Royal College of Psychiatrists PTSD factsheet). -
Stu this is amazing. Just like my story with the addition that my kids were physically abused too. My eldest, now 15 is lucky to be alive, being subjected to physical abuse from the time she was just a baby. Today I'm living separately with my kids who now understand the situation, though the youngest is only 7. They live with me of their own free will. I was beaten and bitten in fits of rage like I've never seen before or after and this over the most inane and trivial issues. Yet to the outside World at large my wife is the epitome of sweetness and love. No one believes what happens behind closed doors. She teaches in a school where the whole bunch of them feel I have wronged her. Fortunately for me I came out unscathed, at least that's what I believe for now. With my children out of the hell hole, I'm much at peace and can now even use my mind for productive work. I still love her and want to help her but she's so in denial with a big portion of people associated with us actually believing me to be the bad one and she the victim. I will go the extra mile to help someone going through what I did.
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Well done Stu for talking about your experiences and to Mind for giving Stu a voice. Despite research such as http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm by Martin Fiebert of the University of California, most people simply aren't aware that women are at least as violent in relationships as men, so men's needs are usually ignored. I hope this article will help redress the balance a little.
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Thanks for the comments folks. Recovery was slow and it took months before it all hit me. When I finally left I was subject to windows being smashed , attacked in the street by eldest lad (did not hit back, simply help him down and walked away) with 1/2 and distorted version of events. Had abusive object sent through post with cigarettes drawn on the box and "ha ha ha ha" and "failed" written on it. I had tried to stop smoking for my health despite conditions and failed. They got bored and blight found another fella who increased in weight dramatically too before leaving her in a state himself.
My recovery has actually involved me finding a way to talk to people and women without feeling threatened (like I used to do). In fact I worked very hard on the "flirty" side of me out of "rebellion" if you understand that. Took two years not to panic when going to the supermarket but even today when shopping there is tension in me. Flashbacks lasted about 10 years . Seem to have simple mild panics now. Uneasy still about being the focus of attention here.
Ruben - I can relate to nobody believing you. My story seems far fetched and unreal -the experiencewas tbh. Add to that a misconception that men don't go through it, the job of getting believed becomes harder. The whole relationship was a twisted lie.
I actually believed stories from Blight that if she eat oranges she woulkd miscarry and if she got pregnant again she would die. She has had a kid since with no ill effect and I bet you she has eat a thousand oranges.
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Thanks for sharing your experiences, Stu. I'm pleased you've manged to win through the hardships and move on; that gives me hope.
Right now, I'm struggling to cope with the end of what has been a disasterous relationship. I no longer recognise myself, neither physically nor mentally. I feel like I'm no longer a part of 'the real world'. There are things I can (have to) do to turn my life round, but I'm finding it harder and harder every day to do them. That's just not me! I'm an achiever, a doer not a procrastinator. ...or I used to be. (It's taken me two hours to write up to this point.)
Now, I'm on the verge of bankruptcy (she's never contributed to the bills for a house I knew we couldn't afford, but she insisted on). She's moving out, leaving me to face either child support payments or child care, neither of which I can afford (I can't afford to feed myself most days).
A few months ago she dragged me to the GP, because she told me I was depressed. After the consultation the GP contected me in private and recommended I see an abuse consellor. That helped me see that maybe everything wasn't all my fault, as I had come to believe (and still do to a greater extent). But just attending couselling sessions left me feeling like a whinger. I felt that everything I said I had to try to say from her perspective, so that the counsellor got as unbiased an account as I could manage. I stopped attending.
Just writing this makes me feel like I'm blaming her for everything instead of accepting responsibility for my own decisions and actions. Maybe she's right and I do need to 'find a backbone', I'm sure I used to have one.
Actually, all I want to do is escape. Not just the relationship, but everything. No suicidal feelings, just an overwhelming urge to withdraw.
Comfortably Numb? I know how you feel Pink.
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Hi MadeInEngland,
Seems you are really going through it now. What I am hearing from your post is the "should monster" -that internal critic that I know only so well.
I wish it was as simple as "taking responsibility for my own actions" . Your "actions" come from many places and it is hard to lose that control button amidst a lot of confuffle, especially when you are in an abusive relationship and you have lost track of who you felt you were. Part of why I stayed was I am a doer although "project Blight" was too much.
I certainly wanted to withdraw once out of it as the outside world was way too much to face. Not too struck on the world ourtside now I found it. However I could suggest you slowly introducing bits of it and yourself to yourself.
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Thank you for this, I'm going through the situation of getting anyone ( apart from family and friends ) to believe the several years of abuse I recieved before I fled. On top of the painful double divorce im going through( one religous and one civil ) and the denial of access to my toddler daughter whom i was raising, it does get you down bad even though you think you have left the abuse( in fact it carries on in other forms even if you leave the country). I'm at present about to start counselling just to get my head around "what the hell happened to me" after so many years. It would be nice if the courts would read these pages and consider the abuse handed out to me and my daugther instead of using gender assumptions.Its going to take me a long time to trust anyone again. thanks again
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Good luck with the counselling Far Away Dad. Damned hard to get your head 'round when folk are primed to see only "man on woman" abuse :-(( You can freely share this page if you want.
I hope things work out and you can be you again.
Stu
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