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Piecing it back together post-psychosis
Posted Tuesday 21 August 2012
Considering I presented in hospital, locked in my own reality, floridly psychotic and hallucinating, I had a long way from which to recover. Luckily, I responded to antipsychotic medication promptly and, although I had been sectioned, I was allowed to go home on leave after just one week in hospital. The section was rescinded after another week. It was then that the seemingly impossible task of recovery had to begin.
My life as I had known it was shattered. My sense of self worth had largely been based on my work, but post-psychosis I could barely hold thought together long enough to read a sentence, let alone work. I couldn’t even read a magazine article or concentrate enough to just watch TV. As is often the case, things got worse before they mended, and at first recovery felt as difficult and painful as walking through treacle over a bed of nails. I was haunted by traumatic memories of the hallucinations that I had experienced while psychotic, which had been very dark and focussed on abuse and death.
I fell into a deep depression. I have experienced depression on and off all my adult life, but it was generally an agitated sort of depression where I was not completely incapacitated. But now, I was so depressed that I could only lie on the sofa under a blanket, barely able to move. My consultant prescribed an antidepressant to take alongside my antipsychotic treatment and this was perhaps the first step to feeling better.
As well as medication, I also received holistic group therapy, which was advice about diet, exercise and rest etc. This was mostly common sense and not really news to me, although it was great to meet other people who had experienced severe mental health problems and I felt a sense of shared experience. I also received psychotherapy but this raised more issues for me than it resolved and I was glad when the course of therapy ended.
Gradually, I became less withdrawn and depressed, and re-established social contacts and started going to the gym again. Taking up voluntary work in a local charity shop was a significant advance for me because it made me feel useful and socially connected. After eight months, I accepted a job working as a part-time sales assistant in a local department store. It was a far cry from my previous well paid job, but I had to focus on what I was able to do and I was only able to make progress in small steps.
The most significant stage in my recovery was writing my book. Describing my experience helped me put it in context of my life story and let me come to terms with what had happened. When I was writing I found myself less shadowed by my memories of psychosis and my reoccurring thoughts and flash-backs lessened.
Catherine
Catherine has written a book about her experiences called 'Psychosis Through My Eyes'.
Psychotic experiences, such as hearing voices or experiencing delusions, are surprisingly common. You can find out more on our information page, which includes tips on what family and friends can do to help. If you'd like to speak to somebody you can also contact the Mind Infoline on 0300 123 3393.
6 Comments
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I have mixed feelings about something like this. On the one hand, I am full of admiration for Catherine for getting her life back on track, which can't have been easy. At the time, as someone with severe and enduring mental illness, I feel a sadness when I read stories like this because I feel like such a failure that it is all I can do to struggle along from one day to the next. I wonder if you could do a story about people who don't recover quickly like this (without in any way being critical of those that do)?
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Thank you for your very valid comment. It’s hard to portray recovery in a short blog and maybe I made it sound more straightforward than it really was. It’s taken me about three and a half years to get to the point when I start to consider myself well recovered, and even so, I still think about my psychotic experience every day. I certainly didn’t want to make anyone feel bad for not recovering in exactly the same way as I did. I think recovery is very individual and Mind would welcome blogs from people with all kinds of mental health experiences.
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@David: I hope i can help, my experience and recovery has been staggered and then leaps and bounds and then struggles and somedays feeling that this will never end, coupled with the doom that your're not making any progress. Setbacks ( a term us mental health sufferers have forgotten the meaning of) is a fact and inevitable part of life, realising this, we start to allow ourselves to feel disappointment and being upset in a healthy way. I have to admit that CBThas helped me cut through vicious cylces that have maintained my anxiety and unhealthy thought patterns for years. But you have to go through the process and do the tasks set for you to really feel the benefits. I am willing to do a blog, it may take some preparation and planning, revisiting episodes you would rather forget can be like navigating a field wih landmines. I hope this will help, however i would like to say that the feeling of failure is not uncommon, but first off, stop comparing yoursef to others (i catch myself out doing this alot, i mean alot) you must stop holding yourself responsible for everything especially your illness, tell yourself you have to walk your own path at your own pace. Once you accept this, genuine recovery can start, without expectations or mental deadlines (i.e "its been x number of months/years, why am i still like this?") If you are gettin through from one day to the next, you are doing really well, although you will not take my word for it, there was a time when i didnt know how i would make it through the next minute, or hour. Life was that impossible. Getting through each day is the key, its how you spend that day in terms of your reactions and thoughts in which lies the answer to your recovery. Dont worry if you dont quite understand what that means, once you get yourself on a CBT based course, these concepts and ideas will fall into place. Its very straightforward and nothng to worry about. I hope to write this blog soon, or at least start it.
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