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Learning to live with my depression
Posted Wednesday 1 August 2012
Recently, I read a review of Alastair Campbell’s latest diaries. The review made mention of his much publicised battle with alcohol and depression and, although I can identify with Campbell (we are both Northerners, for one thing), I’m mentioning this because I actually read the article, the whole thing, all the way through, and being bothered to do this was a really important step for me.
It’s such a small thing to be pleased about, but it is another sign for me that I am really beginning to come out – and stay out – of the grips of crippling depression.
Like many sufferers, I really don’t know when the depression started. The only thing I know for sure is that by January this year, I was a stumbling husk of myself. A wreck. I’d lost weight and was finding it difficult to eat. I was drinking far too much. I just about managed to turn up for work. My self-confidence had disappeared. I just couldn’t be bothered to live. I saw no point in carrying on as no-one would notice if I wasn’t around. I firmly believed that my lovely, caring sons would be better off without me. I was an embarrassment. I made a feeble attempt at taking an overdose, but worried that I would end up in a coma instead of dead, causing more problems for my family.
I made an appointment to see my GP which I didn’t keep. But the day after – only spurred on by hearing the despair in my sons’ voices – I did go. This time I had to take an emergency appointment. ‘Come and sit with us’ said the receptionist, ‘while you wait for the doctor.’ She then thought about which GP she would assign this very distressed patient to. I don’t know which of the several receptionists this was, but she did me a huge favour, simply by being thoughtful. The GP I saw was one I’d never met before. She was – and remains – sympathetic without being patronising; she seemed to see something in me which I thought was long dead and she gave me a glimmer of hope (along with a prescription for antidepressants).
Much against my natural instincts, I confided in a few trusted friends about how I’d been feeling. They have formed a natural support group and, along with my sons, they give me the comfort of knowing that if I begin to feel unsteady, I’ve always got someone to turn to, whatever time of the day it is. I’ve made lots of changes to my life - now I’ve decided to live, I want to make the most of it!
I’m constantly learning about myself. My capacity to enjoy the simplest things is a new one. I am also endlessly grateful for the feeling of contentment. As you can imagine, the knock-on effect on my sons is immense.
I now live with my depression. If I were to try to explain what that feels like, the nearest I can come up with is that it’s like sitting by a campfire at night. I know that there’s something out there, just beyond the trees, in the distance. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I’ve no doubt that the thing is black, huge and thoroughly unpleasant. But, as long as I keep that fire going, with lots of wood to hand to make sure it doesn’t go out, I’ll be fine.
Gill
Gill also has her own blog, where you can find out how much her allotment, choral singing, her cat, meditation and her two sons help her on a day-by-day-basis.
If you're feeling in crisis, we're here to help, contact the Mind Infoline on 0300 123 3393 and visit our support pages.
9 Comments
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I have just read Gill's story which has given me some hope because i feel exactly the same right now as she did.
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That's really enlightening. Thank you for sharing. It will help me better support my friends with depression.
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Hi Kay - thanks for your comment. That's a valuable thing for me to hear. I do hope you can begin to feel a bit more hopeful as the days go on. You've certainly made me smile today. Thank you
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Please, please someone help me! I've had depression alll my life and now branded personality disorder, My husband treats me as if Im a potential phycho and gives me silent treatment. I know I get mood swings but i just cant stand being trteated as if im about to go mad with an axe.
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Hello Linda
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Depression can be debilitating. Have you tried any sort of therapy to overcome it? I find Time Line Therapy combined with Emotional Freedom Technique very helpful. (I am a therapist) Good luck. Liz :o)
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Hi there! Love your site and this post! I myself have recently created a blog which talks about my personal experience with depression, anxiety and OCD and how I managed to overcome it, writing a blog in a mission to inspire others. Would really appreciate you taking a look, thank you.
http://thenot-so-secretdiaryofme.blogspot.co.uk/ -
Hiya Serena - thanks for your lovely comments. I've had a look at your site and I'm absolutely sure it will help others. I love my cat too - keep blogging! :) x
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Hi Linda - I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Dealing with a new diagnosis and not getting support from your husband sounds really tough. And yes, having mood swings shouldn't mean that you get treated like you're dangerous.
Have you had a chance to speak to anyone about how you're feeling about your diagnosis? There's lots of info about personality disorders and where to find support on this page - http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/personality_disorders Perhaps you could show this page to your husband to help him understand what you're going through.
The Samaritans can also offer some really good support while things are so difficult. You can reach them on 08457 90 90 90 / jo@samaritans.org.
Take care
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I have had drepression since my early years, through circumstances beyond my control. And luckly for me i have very strong coping stragtagies, they work most of the time. I have been sectioned once and hospitalised three times, but i have no intention of going back into hospital again. The last time i was sectioned, i was on the ward for thirteen weeks, and that was the darkest time of my life, i thought i would never manage to function in the "normal world" again. But obviously i did, i think what changed everything for me was that i actually accepted that i have depression, it is part of what i am, in it's own strange way it makes me whole, without it i wouldn't be me, i still have good days and bad daysbut i try not to focus on that dark place that feels safe but is so hard to leave.
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