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Anxiety and work - being me
Posted Monday 23 July 2012
It started off a fairly normal day, no different to any other in fact. When I arrived at my desk, something seemed, off. I can't to this day explain it. Almost that sense of impending 'something' and can't quite put your finger on it, but when you focus too much, It disappears in an instant, leaving you unsure if it even existed in the first place.
The screen in front of me started to change. The text blurred, the words lost focus. Something wasn't right. I felt like someone was hugging me, squeezing me, they wouldn’t let go. It just kept getting tighter, and tighter, I couldn't breathe. I froze, unable to move, just...staring. I gripped the mouse, my eyes welled up, my whole body had stiffened, the room disappeared out of existence. I felt completely out of control.
My Team Leader hurried me out the office and sent me home to recharge. “A Blip” she called it, and I returned to work the next day hoping normality would resume, which unfortunately – it did not. I suffered again, worse than the last, leaving me dizzy and exhausted, my head overcome with questions and a foggy uncertainty of what was happening to me.
My GP advised me that I had suffered anxiety attacks, some sort of depressive breakdown. “Not to worry” he chirped, and out came the prescriptions and a two week sick note for work.
At the time I worked in recruitment, so the idea of 2 days off let alone 2 weeks was unheard of, a sentiment echoed by my employer. I had daily emails to see “how I was” and to “just check in”. If I was honest with them (and myself) I wasn't alright at all. I couldn't leave the house, my time split between crying and bleak nothingness. If I left the house anxiety hit all over again and I was back to square one. But of course, out came the mask of “content and okay” and I went back to work early, only for it to happen all over again and receive another 2 week sign off.
This time, I was determined to break from work. I ignored my phone and emails. I took my medication. I researched depression read forums, talking to others that had gone through similar experiences. I let them know I was ready to graduate back to work, and was promised support, and understanding every step of the way, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth.
It was the glances and whispers from those I had considered friends that hurt the most. After what was now a month out of the office, I was the elephant in the room. I was excluded from lunches, ignored in meetings, what was before a chatty and friendly office was cold and quiet. I felt like a ghost, in a bubble with everything existing outside of it, passing me by without second thought. My desk had even been shoved into the corner as I “wasn't there, but they figured I wouldn't mind”. I put up with this for 2 days, before walking out reduced to tears from the sheer cruelty (intentional or not) and exclusion making me feel so unwanted I didn't think I could carry on.
I was signed off again, days turning into weeks, into months, into more prescriptions, a hospital submission and therapy. Until one day, I came to realise that on top of everything else I was dealing with and working through, the thought of ever returning back to such an unhealthy environment would stop me returning to work ever again. I took back control, and handed in my notice. I volunteered in a school – something I had always wanted to do, and slowly pieced my life back together again.
Since then, I am open and honest about my breakdown, friends, family, co-workers and am much healthier and happier for it. And although doors have literally been closed in my face employment wise (my former boss advised talking about mental health in a public forum will make me “untouchable” and that “being myself won't get me anywhere”) I haven't given up. I started writing about my experiences, and strive to make a difference and change the perception and discrimination faced by those of us suffering with mental health challenges every day.
And as for work? I will soon be working for a charity as Head of Operations, helping those with mental health issues (amongst others) get the help they truly deserve via Rehab community bed schemes. Work I found from talking and writing about Mental Health so openly and honestly. So I guess just being 'me' isn't too bad after all...
Sarah Mitchell
Follow @smitchalot on Twitter, and have a look at her blog, General Gubbins.
Watch Mind ambassador Ruby Wax's documentary Mad Confessions. It's on Channel 4 at 10pm tonight. Join in the discussion on Twitter #4goesmad.
12 Comments
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Thank you SO much for sharing this. I've been struggling at work as well, dealing with similar uncomfortable situations with co-workers and unsupportive management and human resources. I've been contemplating quitting - but the financial implications are just too tough at the moment to make that a feasible option.
It is good to know though that others out there who deal with the same issues and come out on the other side better than before.
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Anxiety is treatable, don't get fobbed off by busy GP's, ask them to refer you onto a specialist - you would get referred for a broken leg, why not for a broken mind? Don't stand for substandard treatment.
If you can't get an NHS appointment, a single private session with a Consultant will give you a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, which you can take back and wave under your GP's nose. It may be money well spent, if you can afford it...
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I've just been watching Ruby Wax on channel 4 Waxing lyrical about 'coming out' over your mental health in the work place. If I'd have had a celebrity sick bucket I would have to use it. Apart from the fact that the vast majority can't afford the priory or just nip in to see the consultant at the Maudsley for coffee and notes discussion, it was totally unrepresentative of the working class or the council estate, No mention of the mental illness caused by battling to get enough money to keep you from suicide from the DWP. All the people in the program said they functioned ok at life and work. One of them had their own restaurant, another had their own bussiness and another was a design engineer. When is somebody going to visit the council estate, the lone nobody, the truly stigmatized, those who live in fear and dread of the DWP brown envelope. And who have no choices placed before them. I suppose this would be too real for these unreality programs...I think I might need that sick bucket after all.
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I can totally relate to this. I too am currently in the same situation. I have suffered with depression for nearly 10 years.. And worked for the same company for over 7. I have been going through an extremely tough time in my life, my depression and anxiety escalating. My moods changed very quickly, I found even the simplest tasks hard. Because of an incident at work, which I dealt with to best of ability considering my mental health, I was given a verbal warning. This was 'end of the world' to me, and I broke. The meeting was continued despite me sat there sobbing my heart out. I left and went home. My GP who is so understandable signed me off and referred me back to mental health. Since then I have received a letter from my employers who are doing an investigation into my 'alleged unreasonable behaviour'. I. I have now been signed off for a further month, continuing to see my GP every week and my CPN. I feel I have been unfairly treated, and I don't know what to do. On top of my current mental health issues, this is something I do not need and making me worse...
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I can also relate to your story. I fought to return to work 12 years ago and far exceeded my goals. However, I am now unemployed as yet again have been kicked down by employers and a 'blip' has become a 4 month battle with my condition again - why the 'blip', well due to employers attitudes to mental health yet again.
I am also now a service user for the first time in 20 years and to date my latest experience has been appaling - medication upped and 2 appointments in 4 months. No support whatsoever even when they know how important work was for me. Felt feeling isolated and forgotten.
It angers me how little support is availabe to allow individuals to stay in work and I have experienced all of your emotions regarding this. I will fight back to recovery again and will return to work but each knock down in work is taking me closer to the edge. -
I can relate to the story having suffered from Anxiety and Depression for over 30 years; but take heart not all employers are un-sympathetic. My current employer has allowed me to take personal breaks whilst having a bad attack at work.
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I've never got over being hounded out of nursing because of depression, I have never got over people ringing a local school telling the headmistress that I am too mental to work with children I have never got over a neighbour making malicious calls to social services because she could. I have never got over being branded as BDP and refused all help. Now my marriage is over and my husband is telling me to get on with my life, what life? I can't get a job and I have no friends, my family have ostrasised me because of my illness and I have zero confidence. I will probably end up doing workfare and look forward to an old age in poverty and loneliness. I'm ill now and really want to be in hospital. I can't believe the world hates me so much.
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@Distressed, I'm so sorry to hear that it sounds like a really horrible experience to have to go through at work, just as you are really struggling with your mental health too. I hope you can get some support from friends or family during this time. Have you had any support from your local Mind - http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area? They might be able to help with an advocate, and there is also our legal advice line 0300 466 6463 / legal@mind.org.uk Take care,
@Linda, I’m so sorry to hear about the problems that you have had because of your diagnosis. I really hope you can reach out to some family or friends during this difficult time, if you can’t do remember the Samaritans are there to listen 24/7 on 08457 90 90 90 / jo@samaritans.org You can also contact our infoline on 0300 123 3393 or your local Mind who may be able to help you find some support. Take care,
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Linda you really do seem to be having bad luck. People can be really nasty at times especially with mental illness. But let’s not forget you are a qualified nurse, a job that carry’s many responsibilities that you will have coped with admirably. As for your husband: well, if he can’t help you when you really need help perhaps your better off on your own. A good friend of mine was in a similar position to you. Making new friends is hard however; there are many on-line sites where people just want to make friends perhaps you could try this route or local societies that interest you. My heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope things turn around soon
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So much of this post rang true for me. I left a role through compromise agreement after over 12 months of absolute agony in the workplace. I was initially signed off in Feb 2011 for 2 weeks after an appraisal where I was told "you'll never earn as much as a man", "you have to be careful of how you behave" ended with me in streams of tears and my line manager ploughing through regardless as she had to fill the form in in order to meet her bonus criteria. Although some colleagues (who were and are friends more than work colleagues) were incredibly understanding, I was treated very differently on my return. Unsurprisingly I was away from work again due to anxiety/depression within a couple of months. During this second absence the entirety of my job had been reallocated to other people, "operational requirements". I had to force the issue to find out what was actually happening earlier this year, was felt that I couldn't really perform at my level and was offered a job I had done within the company 8 yrs previously. I have been job hunting since. I am scared of going back into the workplace and would appreciate any suggestions for "why leave a company after 12 yrs", a question which is bound to come up. I'm now struggling with JSA, applications for benefits support and desperately trying to "sell myself" to potential employers whilst struggling on my medication and feeling generally worse than I have for over a year.
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Hello everyone, thank you for the kind words about the post. Its of course frustrating to have been through it myself, but it is equally so hearing everyone's stories of similar situations and problems you are all going through too.
@docJames I actually went back to my GP recently and put my foot down on being left to deal with my insomnia amongst other things for years and have now been referred - watch this space!
@Linda - a breakdown of a relationship seems like the final straw on the camels back doesn't it? I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through/going through - Taryn (above) is right though, there is always support, online amongst other avenues. I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes you have to squint a little to see it but its there. For me, losing everything was scary (job, relationship, friends, family to an extent too) , but it was also inspiring after a while. I could do anything I wanted. ANYTHING. I hated my life before, but now I take it in any direction I wanted it to. And you can definitely do the same, and we'll all be here, cheering you on with a virtual hand to hold too xx
@Lucy the job hunting scenario is a total nightmare isn't it?! I struggle to find the line between honesty and hiding segments for my own sanity (though after writing so openly about mental health on my blog and various sites after a quick Google search I am sure you can find anything out you wanted to!) but ...
@david is right, there are some out there understanding, and I think finding the right employer is very much like finding the right relationship. it can be (to be blunt) a bloody nightmare at times, but one day you'll end up somewhere and appreciate how great it is after so many rubbish no-goers.
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Sarah,
Your story echos much of my own. You describe that moment of it being too much, the struggle as you try to make sense of it. Then almost the relief as you discover that the real you only comes when you stop living in an environment that you find toxic.
I am particularly impressed at you talking openly about your mental illness as it takes more than celebrities to talk about mental illness to make everyone feel that its ok to have a mental illness and that we can smash this last great stigma.
Graeme
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