Living through a bipolar blip
Posted Wednesday 27 June 2012
In the past few days anything seems better than what I’ve been through. I was constantly looking for the big hole to open up in the ground that I could quietly slip into.
Being hyper is one thing but having erratic thoughts, a pounding heart, shaky hands, voices galore, the feeling that I’m in outer space, and above all a mouth that will not stop talking, takes it out of you mentally and physically. God knows what impression I have made on people.
Why did I have to do this when I’ve got a busy and important week planned? Typical! What was I thinking? I miss the exuberance, the awesome never-ending energy it gives you but I don’t miss the lack of control.
Having this little blip has helped me understand my condition much more than before. Imagine sitting there and all you want to do is move, it doesn’t matter where or why you just want to move, your body and mind cannot relax and stay still!
It’s extremely tiring to say the least but there is nothing I can do about it. Sitting in a room with 30 people usually I would take a step back. But NO, today I’m the first one to speak. Miss overconfident in the corner hands up first, half the words I reel off don’t even make any sense but I carry on until I'm satisfied. Everything in my world is controlled by my mind, not me. Scary! I have never felt so out of control — even after being ill and undiagnosed for 14 years still has not prepared me for this.
Thank god for the gym! At least I can control the hyper state slightly, and even just for an hour makes the world of difference! I get a break! Yesterday was the worst and last day of my blip. When my friends and family started laughing with me about my hyper state and commenting on my mannerisms it made me realise it had to stop.
But the worst was not over, it was yet to come. I was counting down the hours until bed, but it seemed so distant. I managed to shop on the net and buy useless items, tidy the whole house and my room before I eventually gave in. Then the thoughts came. Thank god for a pad and pen at the side of my bed, that helped but the throbbing didn’t.
It’s hard to explain what it feels like but think back to a time when you’ve had too much coffee or too many energy drinks - the whirling, swirling thoughts in your head and the thumping that doesn’t stop, that is how it feels 24/7 for me.
It's 2am and I've finally made it to sleep! Hurray for the end of my blip, but sadly I can’t say the same for other people who are suffering out there.
I have written this for you to express how difficult life can be with bipolar. My blip was caused because I didn’t take my medication for 3 days. I have bipolar 1 and have dealt with it for the past 14 years but now on meds it’s manageable.
Honestly, I never really understood what a manic phase was as it was ‘the norm’ for me, but being on meds for 2 years has made me realize what ‘norm’ is.
The last 3 days have made me really understand the impact bipolar can have if you don’t take your meds. If you are reading this and also feel you don’t need them, please think twice before stopping them. Learn from my mistake! I took them last night and am coming back down to earth today, thankfully!
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