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Agoraphobia and the fear of 'what if'
Posted Tuesday 22 May 2012
I have been in a particularly chronic phase of severe agoraphobia for three years now and despite a round of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy in 2009 over the phone, I just wasn’t making the progress I wanted to. I started dedicated self help, which got me to a certain point of recovery, at least able to get out into the street for a few minutes, a marked improvement!
But there is still something - a fear, a thought, a worry – making me hang back. It is of course the classic 'what if' worry, it sounds so simple, but as many others who are in/have been in similar positions know, those two little words can trigger such overwhelming anxiety in the single blink of an eye.
Well, I’m just not confident in dealing with such intense physical symptoms and the associated mental distress. It’s something I don’t feel I can address on my own. I need someone to help me with this hurdle but because of the self harm aspect (which is my reaction to overwhelming anxiety and panic) allowing that help in is a matter of extreme sensitivity.
Earlier this year I decided I really wanted to try again to address my agoraphobia and anxiety. I have separate ongoing counselling for other areas of my life, but I wanted to see what other help might be available to me. I was referred to a local NHS service again and after talking with them, and finding that the therapy offered would be the same as my previous experience in 2009, I felt it just was not right for me.
I didn’t feel supported or understood enough, it felt like there was pressure on me to achieve goal after goal in a certain time frame. I explained that I would prefer more support and was referred on to Cam-Mind's Changing Lives project.
My assessment was carried out at my home at the end of April. In itself, having the practitioner visit me at home was a huge help. As someone with agoraphobia, attending any appointments elsewhere is simply impossible, it’s not doable at all.
At no time in my correspondence with Mind have I had to fight for my need for home visits – it was simply accepted by the team, which was a very encouraging start as all too often people just do not listen or understand when I say I simply cannot go out somewhere!
My practitioner arrived on time and straight away I had a positive feeling about working with her, we got on very well. It was a lovely informal assessment, just like a chat with a particularly knowledgeable, understanding, patient and non-judgemental friend.
I felt instantly at ease and was able to share my conditions and experiences, including the most painful ones, at that first meeting. We also had a think about what I would like to work towards, and agreed to meet again in two weeks.
I've just had this first appointment and feel even more positive, supported and encouraged. I'm even – dare I say it – looking forward to seeing what this journey might bring. I don’t feel forced, pressured, pushed for time or anything negative. It’s all very informal, relaxed and positive.
I’ve chosen a rough goal to work towards. It was made clear that it is just an idea of what I’d like to be working on. It’s not set in stone, so it’s being approached in a way that suits me, at a pace that suits me. No pressure.
I have a tendency to pressurise myself where goals are concerned, so to have a goal in mind without setting any solid plans is really important for me. To be allowed to do this is a huge reassurance and allows me to learn to go with the flow, to just take every experience as it comes instead of worrying about meeting a target someone else is expecting me to fight towards within a certain time frame.
I have a gem of a supporter in my practitioner who can be by my side to help me learn to cope with the difficult moments, as well as to help build my confidence and encourage me in the positive moments.
I’m looking forward to next time, I know it will be tough having to put myself in a situation that is likely to trigger waves of intense anxiety, but having someone non-judgemental and experienced who I trust by my side will I think – I hope – make the difference I need to be able to take the next steps in my recovery and the lifelong management of my mental health.
Laura
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7 Comments
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Best off luck Laura. I wish you all the best with your goals and hope you make progress. One step at a time will get you where you want to be :) x
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What a brilliant article you have wrote. I too am not able to go out and am in the middle of the NHS CBT theropy which I am finding very difficult and it has set me back in my recovery and I feel worse than I did before with the goal setting that all have to be done in such a short time it has become too much for me so I'm going to have to pack it in and look for another avenue, sadly the Mind service is too far away for me to get any help (or so i was told) and would take me a bus ride to get there which I am not able to do, sometimes I feel there is no help at all and i'm stuck in this issolation alone, I don't have support from family and have lost most of my friends because of my difficulties so some days I sit and wonder if this will ever end, I watch people from my window and think how great it would be to be like that and be able to walk around freely. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but some days its so hard to see and getting the help and support feels like a losing battle, I too have struggled with this for 3 years and it seems that no matter where I turn the doors are slammed in my face or I get told I live too far away to get help or just live in the wrong place, and it would be better if i could get out to travel to the help but I won't give up trying to find something and some support. I am so glad that you have found some and I do wish you all the best for the future our lives won't always be this way and I hold on to that thought every day and it has been nice knowing that i'm not alone so thank you.
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Best of luck Laura! Thank you for writing this. I too have been struggling with panic attacks and agoraphobia for over 10 years now. It's such a frustrating illness so thank you for giving such an honest account.
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Best of luck Laura! Thank you for writing this. I too have been struggling with panic attacks and agoraphobia for over 10 years now. It's such a frustrating illness so thank you for giving such an honest account.
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Hi Laura,
I understand. I experienced panic attack disorder with agoraphobia for over 40 years. What helped me was a caring therapist who was interested in me. Now I am a therapist and help people with panic and depression. I invite you to read my story at www.judithbarnard.com. Mindfulness has helped me the most. I encourage you to read The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel. Very useful. Helps to decrease anxiety and depression. Your brain is like plastic and your brain CAN change. Another useful book is Mindsight by Siegel, as well. I'd read the Whole Brain Child first--lots of illustrations and well-explained. I have a therapist/supervisor trained in Satir Therapy. Training in Satir helped me become less reactive, calmer...I wish you all the best and please contact me if I can help...
Blessings,
Judith Barnard, MSW, RSW
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Thanks Laura ,it was great to read that their are other people like me, having a bad week, are their help groups you can talk to in the night when you can,t stay in and its scary in the early hours walking the streets and your too embarrassed to phone friends or family or is this just weird ,thanks Barbara
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Thank you so much for the comments and support. Jules, your post particularly has touched me, I know exactly what you mean from the CBT therapy you've been trying and how you've found it's setting you back, to how you feel looking out your window, and the doors closing on you when you do look for help. I understand all of it so well.
Judith, I am heartened to hear of your experiences and will definitely be looking at the books you recommend, and your website too. My Mind counsellor suggested Mindfulness as well and it is something I am working on - I'm just about to write an update to this blog so will include that there.
Barbara, I can see what you mean about the night time help groups, a well run one would make sense as there are many who would appreciate a quiet, supportive and safe place to go when you need to get out the house to clear your head and get some support outside normal working hours. Samaritans is the closest you can get that I know of, available on the phone 24/7 I think, if you don't want to talk to friends or family; there is always someone out there who can at least listen.
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