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My double life: living with depression
Posted Friday 27 April 2012
I have sometimes wondered if having a mental illness has led to living a double life: tentatively balancing a seemingly contented existence with a life of despair, shame, and anxiety.
I have had periods of severe depression throughout my life, often wondering if it is something more. I have spent years talking to all types of people: some who are paid and duty bound to care; some who are morally bound to care; and some who just don’t care, but when you feel that low, anyone will do.
I have never found anyone or any treatments of particular use, mainly because I have been so ashamed and afraid of being judged. Even writing this, I recognise the shame and stigma inside me, destroying any sense of self-worth that I once had.
I feel I should be strong, I feel having this condition should not stop me, but it does. It has the power to overwhelm me, every time. I feel like I am locked in a dark room, where I cannot be heard, and no one outside wants to try and get inside. I feel so alone with this, yet I know I am not the only person to feel like this. I have spoken to so many people, so many times in the past that you would think someone would have taken my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok, but no, not one person did.
They judged me, because I was “weird” and “different”. I was now marked.
This mark has been with me my entire life, overshadowing the identity crisis I experienced in my younger years: I would rather be physically beaten and judged for identifying as a homosexual white male, than for them to know I carry this mark of shame.
I have kept very few friends, because I never want anyone to be close enough to hurt me, let alone judge me. It is a strategy that has enabled me to appear down-to-earth and “normal” to most outsiders.
When I am low, I am just having a bad day to those people, they do not know what is really going on inside, what is tearing me apart, what sometimes feels like a cancer eating away everything that makes me human, so that I am left an empty disaffected and disconnected shell. That is when it is time to move on and start again.
This double life is best described as similar to the likes of Superman or Spiderman. By day, I can appear to be content, ambitious, and committed, with a strong work ethic: one that ironically seeks to redress the power differential between the mentally well and the mentally unwell.
Yet, as the sun sets and the darkness sets in, I don my cape and begin my crime fighting; the difference being, there is no crime and the battle is with myself. The demons within, always win.
Of course, my entire life has not been one of misery and despair, I have had moments close to contentment such as meeting someone special and sharing many wonderful experiences with him. Yet, I cannot deny that even then, my darkest thoughts were still there, telling me how pathetic I am, how weak I am.. On the inside, this cancer is there, telling me I do not deserve to be happy and that something always happens to take away those brief moments of contentment.
Fear leads the way, always wondering if a car crash or some short illness will take away the one thing, the one person I love. Sometimes it would seem this darkness and fear is the thing I love, because it never goes away. I am obsessive, critically analytical, and filled with shame. Ashamed for just existing and embarrassed to be a part of anyone’s life.
I wonder why I am writing this; I wonder what has inspired me to do this, and to do this now. Is it, because I am at those all too familiar crossroads once more; having to make that potentially fatal choice? Or, is it because I want to share this in the hope that there is someone out there who can relate and identify with my position?
Whatever my reasons, there does feel a huge sense of peace about choosing the unfamiliar path, the one I have only ever got half down before. It brings a sense of calm deep within to think there is a way out. Yet, even today, I am conflicted.
It is certainly something I have said to my counsellor and my doctor: why would I want to stick around for more of the same, when I am so tired of fighting, of getting up every day, of having to make the bed, only to make a mess of it again several hours later. I am so, so tired of living a double life. Maybe this is what I want to achieve with this, I do not want to live a double life anymore, I just want to let the demons win like they always do, because I am so, so tired of this.
A double life has its advantages. I can act it out and I am articulate enough to do that. I have learnt how to hide me from the world, because it is the only way people have accepted me: it is the only way they have tolerated me. Am I feeling sorry for myself as I write this, I do not think so. Am I attention-seeking? Maybe I am, because I need it.
This whole blog is going to feel so familiar to some people who may read this, because they have been there with me when I have been unwell in the past, but they have also judged me, intentionally or not. I love many people, yet there are very few I would allow to know the real me. Its taken years of drip feeding my inner-self to my better half, because I could not bear for him to have rejected me like so many before him, because I have this mark, the mark of shame.
Will I win this battle? To answer that, I would have to want to win. I am doing what I can to just get through each day. I am doing what I do best and pretend to the outside world that everything is fantastic. I am living the double life, stigmatised by the very thing I have trained to fight against.
I am functioning, seeing a doctor every 2 weeks and waiting for cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). The doctor is not stereotypical, he has given me time and only once have I walked out of the surgery feeling judged and that all too familiar feeling of shame and despair, because I opened up my contaminated inner-self.
I have anti-depressants, anti-inflammatories, opiate-based painkillers, a devoted partner, two loving cats, a wellpaid job and a secure life. You would think I should be happy, but you would be so very wrong. For I am living a double life.
This week is depression awareness week. If you know someone who is dealing with depression - find out how you can help.
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9 Comments
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HI,
i actually shed a tear reading this. It sounds very very much like me. Only difference being, i have no job to even try to take my mind off things and even though my partner loves me and has managed to stick by me through all this, he doesn't understand, nobody does. People say 'oh you will be fine' or 'just try and do..... ' whatever, but no, nothing helps. I do know the job i love doing is care, i know what its like to feel alone and feel like those'carers' are just purely there for the job or the money. although in honesty, the money for what you do is absolutely apauling!.
I always try to put on a brave face going out, but i hate to go out on my own. Since i was always very independant from being very young, the fact that i hate to go anywere alone just makes me feel worse. I feel like i have lost myself, i no longer know who i am, what i like, what makes me happy, what makes me smile. I have got to the point now, for the last year or 2 where i feel empty inside. I know i love my family, but, i dont feel it, yet i care for them so much and always look after them. Thats what helps me. I have thought about working in mental health, but since i have spent 3 years looking for work, i just dont think i am going to get anywere, but i know through experience that i would be good at it. Trying to get a job with a mental health problem though, people judge! Its not fair, its not right and its time people started to realise, Mental Health is very very important, and very bad since people take their own lives, yes, even i have tried although i dont like to admit. I have had too many low points and 4 breakdowns yet here i am, still waiting for real help, not the 'well try talking about it, try writing your triggers down, do this do that' Give it a rest, it doesn't work!I hope that your ok, i really do. I wish i could say you will be fine, but even i can't say that since i have spent 12 years waiting for the right person to help me instead of pass me over with pills
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Thanks for posting this blog David...it must have been very hard to be so open like this and i really admire you for it. It sounds like you've had some dreadful experiences with severe depression and it's been tearing you apart, but if i might say one thing it's this: you shouldn't be ashamed of suffering from severe depression, it makes you no different from anyone else, you never chose to suffer from this condition, it just happened and it's not your fault! There's nothing wrong with you as a person.... Building self-worth and self esteem is absolutely key and it can be done through CBT and talking with people who want to listen and care about you. Just try to ignore those people who you think are judging you...perhaps they're not judging you at all but the depression is telling you that they are.
I have also suffered from severe depression and know how awful it feels and how ashamed, lonely and isolated it makes you feel when unwell...i think that by writing this blog you have already made a big statement that you want to be open with your illness and no longer lead this 'double life' - the more open you can be the more your self esteem will grow when you accept that none of this is your fault and you are a human being who deserves as much happiness as every other human being.
Be kind to yourself and be open as much as you can - keep fighting as things can improve - i wish you all the best David :)
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Thank you Tom for your kind words. What you say is true, I do want to be more open with my condition. It is allowing me to feel that I can engage better with services and have some hope that things will get better. I appreciate every word of what you have said.
Mandi, thank you for what you have written. I relate totally with everything you have said. It has taken me 20 odd years to feel able to share what I have. I have never been that honest before. Currently, I am off sick and have been for 6 months now, so I can relate what you say about not working too. It is important to me that my feelings and experiences of Depression are listened too and it sounds like that would also be important to you, which is why comments from others like "oh you will be fine" as you put it, are unhelpful. Your experiences sound so similar to mine, I do feel I have found a doctor that I can speak openly with, even though he has mentioned "sectioning" me. I do not know if things will ever be how I would like them to be, but I would like to offer you some positivity that I believe you will find somoene who you feel will listen to you. I have worked with many people who do the job, because they care and want to make a difference, they dont do it for the money or the "title". I know it is hard to see past a belief when your mood is so low, but I do believe the support you want is out there and you will find it.
I am more than happy to talk more and/or share recovery ideas and experiences with you or anyone that wishes too. Thank you to both of you so far for your kind kind support.
David
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Hear you David. Really really hear you.
So brave to write and I feel great pride that you have - cos every time someone puts it into words they speak for so many of us - but its so damn hard to do.
Much love and very best wishes to you my friend.
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Thanks David, This explains what my life is like - except I'm not so good at acting and sometimes the 'content' me cracks and shows the parts of the other me, which i try to avoid letting anyone see. Thank you foe being brave enough to post this xx
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Dear David I have been searching the web today looking for answers to my life and came accross your post, it made me cry but filled me with awe that someone as articulate as you can be in this dark place along with me. I have just started a CBT course but am so frightened that, yet again, I will come to the end of the treatment and find that nothing has changed and I am still scrabbling around at the bottom of the 'black hole'. My head tells me that this attitude will of course lead me back to the same life, but the fear in me stops me having too much hope. Like you I have the 'perfect life' to outsiders I am the girl who has it all, and I have a smile that I wear like your superhero cloak, but that just contributes to my feeling of that I am such a fraud, but I will keep on smiling as perhaps, one day, the smile will reach the inside and stay there....I still believe that this will happen as I want it so much. I believe this world is a beautiful place (on my better days!) and I want to make the most of my time here, I hope to achieve this very slowly and take all the help I can get with both hands. I am sorry for your troubles David but I want you to know that you have filled me with some peace and hope, I wish you well on your journey.
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Hi David, that's really struck a chord with me, thanks for sharing your experiences. A lot of what you have written seems so familiar, like it will to many others who suffer with depression. I got so good at hiding it from my closest friends and family, that I even managed to hide if from myself until re-emerged with a vengeance. My current counseller has told me that I should be proud of my 'inner strength' which has carried me along this far, and I think this applies to us all who have lived with it over a long period...Although we may somethimes feel weak, worthless and not in control, there is an inner resolve we should be really proud of for keeping us going.
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Hi, Thank you everyone for commenting on my blog. It is reassuring to hear that I am not alone. I have heard every word that has been written here. Your comments and what you have said really do offer me strength and hope. I take on board what has worked for others and hope that my blog has provided some positivity in return.
I feel sharing this blog has enabled me to feel less ashamed. Each comment has offered some positivity in a place, where it has been hard to find some. Thank you so much for commenting.
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Hi David
Thanks for sharing what you feel. I felt the same a lot. The solution is both easy and difficult. Listening to your conscience. Start one day at a time and try and do everything that is right as per you conscience. If anything seems doubtful, don't do it. Most of the time, doing something doubtful makes you eventually have a bad feeling that ends up causing depression. It is hard, but as you keep your conscience clean, the depression starts to get lifted off slowly by slowly.
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