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My dark companion
Posted Wednesday 7 March 2012
When I began fundraising last year one of my aims was to not only raise funds for Mind but to help break the stigma that still surrounds mental health and to be able to encourage people to talk about it openly by doing the same myself.
However I have held off writing about my experiences on my blog as although my depression is part of my life I do not want it to define who I am.
I was worried that once people knew about it that would be all they would see. Whenever I did try to write about my experiences it felt as though I just felt sorry for myself, I couldn’t put into words what I wanted to say.
And that’s the problem with depression, how do you describe it to someone who has never experienced it? How do you explain to the people who tell you to: "Snap out of it", or "Just look on the bright side", that it is not that simple?
I have heard people describe what living with depression is like in many different ways in the last decade since I first began suffering from it.
Two descriptions always stick in my mind, first being that it’s like going through life with an extra 20lb sack to heave around with you, it makes everything harder and leaves you constantly exhausted. The second is that it’s like having a dark companion always by your side.
I feel like my dark companion is constantly trying to drag me down into a negative way of thinking. Sometimes, thanks to a combination of great friends, supportive family and a shed load of therapy, I am able to turn my back on my dark companion and step out from its shadow for a while. Other times all the support in the world isn’t enough and my dark companion drags me under.
The power of the mind is an amazing yet scary thing and the way it can make me hate and turn against myself for no reason is something I wonder if I will ever escape from. It frightens me to think that I could try all the medications and therapy I am offered yet still suffer from chronic bouts of depression for the rest of my life.
My dark companion may always be with me but I refuse to let it define who I am. I hope that now other people know about it they will not define me by it either and will just see me and accept me as the person I am, with all my ups and downs.
Beccy
Beccy will be running from Lands End to John O’Groats and you can sponsor this mammoth effort online.
9 Comments
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I suffer from recurrent depression and b.p.d. to be honest whenever I talk about my mental health a lot of friends have disowned me or never got back in touch.
When I'm depressed I hate everything my life as to offer. I get do frustrated and upset u look through the internet into trying to get ideas into taking my own life.
Ive tried numerous amounts of times but failed miserably. I work 30 hours a week in social services. Sometimes I'm hyper at work thinking this is the best day ever. My boss thinks I'm like a firework waiting to bang.
I'm so lonely, I feel not part of society always thinking folk hate me. I often think what's the point anymore.
At least when your dead its final. No more struggling anymore. I hate having mental health issues I wish to be normal.Maybe one day my glass will be half full rather than half empty, u very much doubt it.
Thank you
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Hi Beccy. The eloquence of your description of your depression has inspired me to write about my own for the first time. You would laugh if you knew what my occupation was and laugh harder if I could relate how my colleagues treat me in such a so called caring profession. I have recently truly accepted that I have an illness and I have taught myself that the shame and prejudice of having depression does not belong to me but to others. Maybe they feel some form of guilt that both their actions and inactions have gone some way to perpetuate it, but that is their issue to resolve, not mine.
From the beginning I realised that depression is a very insular illness, my mind was crowded and overwhelmed with despair. It was akin to standing on a rock, alone, and a tsunami of sadness was battering me daily if not hourly. But I stood strong and took the brunt of the pain and hurt and watched as the waters subsided. I know I am not yet in the clear, but I am learning to swim through it all, even if it’s only the doggy-paddle.
You are correct when you say that this is not you, it is not, but what is you, is the strength of character and bravery you possess to take each day as it comes and promote the plight of others openly, with honesty and publically. I feel that we suffer too much in silence as that is the nature of the illness and we are afraid to be open about it as we fear the social stigma and prejudice of others, as they wipe their hands on their trousers or skirts after we shake them by the hand. I enjoy telling such people that depression is not contagious and laugh inside at their embarrassment.
Thank you for writing of your feelings, if your words make a difference to one person then it has made a difference. I feel no shame with my illness but I see, every day, the shame of others. -
You echo my thoughts when I'm down but I think your amazing working nearly full time in social services despite your problems. Dont think people hate you because its not true, you've had rejections and that can cloud your judgement. I found concentrating on something I really like doing and then finding a group (writing or crafts, anything really) a much better way of getting out than holding onto friends who cant or wont understand. This way there is a shared interest from the start and can be a welcome distraction from depression and loneliness.
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Sometimes we are given such tough things to deal with in life but how fantastic to overcome and use those things to help other's. You are evidently an overcomer Beccy. Well done. Depression devastated my life and continues to do so despite being free of it for a while. How fortunate you are to have family and friends who love you enough to stand beside you, there are many of us who would have fared better for that love and understanding. It is such a destructive illness.
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I have suffered from crippling depression and anxiety with a few added extras. Although, somewhat in abeyance at present it lurks in the background like a sleeping dog. I psychologically tip toe around life hoping not to disturb the mongrel. Apart from the hovering psychosis waiting for an opening, I also experience OCD. Some types of OCD can be seen as totally anti social. But it isn't this that troubles me as much as the enormous feelings of guilt and isolation my OCD producers. I realise this guilt is much inflicted by social attitudes. I feel different, I am ever wary, I find myself staring at and studying people - a learned behaviour form times when I was trying to work out the real from the unreal in my head. I found more acceptance if I thought of myself as a victim. This may makes others feel better about their views of mental health, but victim-hood feels totally natural to me. My best friend is my dog. He takes me for a walk every day. When we're out, my mind is alleviated from the constant thoughts of the up and coming removal of my benefits under the changes. I don't know how I will react or what may happen when this happens.
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@Lynette - I really sorry to hear that you've lost friends because they couldn't handle your depression and that you're feeling really lonely. Are you getting support from your local Mind? If not, you can find yours here http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area
Some of them do great peer support or befriending programmes where you can meet and talk with people who've had experience of mental health problems. You could also become a friend of the Elephant on Facebook, it's a good place to talk http://www.facebook.com/mindelephant
If you're really feeling like you need to speak to someone please do think about calling the Samaritans - they are there day or night and can support and listen 08457 90 90 90 Take care of yourself, Taryn
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Your wonderful smile, your beautiful eyes, your kind generous heart and above all your never ending determination, that is what defines you in my eyes Beccy.
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If you loose friends because you suffer from depression then believe me they are not real friends and you will quickly find out which ones are. I am lucky enough now to have found friends who want to know the real me and want to support me through rough times as well as good. They show an interest in my depression not so they can gossip but because they genuinely care. I used to have loads of friends but I would now choose to have just one or two really close friends who are honest, supportive and genuine over a huge group of them. I still get people who will cross the street rather than talk to me since I have shared my experience of depression and thats is fine and I have no bad feeling about that at all but, it is just a reminder of why I want to help raise awareness about Mental health and help to get this stigma dropped so people don't have to suffer in silence anymore. By you guys supporting my blog page and taking time out to read it as you are is also helping in doing that so thank you :-)
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The Blog is MIND BLOWING.
It had helped me understanding my DARK companion.
Moreover, there is no embarrasment to go with him or take him along. Thank you for such a draft and all best wishes.I am from MUMBAI, INDIA. And I wonder if I can do something like this for the MINDS here in Mumbai.
I am presently experiencing deep depression. Stress at work and un-due worries of future are blocking my mind.
As a professional, I am an engineer and working with a midsize company as Service Manager. I am not able to sustain the pressure from my boss, clients and overall THE business.
I do not feel that it's all my mistake. The set-up is not well organised. Many amature skills are hanndling key functions. Anyhow, I am not able to do the right justice to my role and functional area due to mistakes and unoriented set-up. Many a times, I fell to make right decisions. Or sometimes, I do not have power or a stand to take the decision.
At family front, I am down due to my mother's lonelyness after sudden demise of my father in Jan 2008. My wife does not care for her health and no cooperation from either side.
My children are doing well at school, but there are certain worries about my Twin boys.... As they were late to speak. I have three kids ...Daughter is nine years & at 4th std. Boys are six and Senior K G. Next year would be first standard.
I feel totally lost when I think that I can not work anymore. My limited reserves and resources will not fetch the needs for long time.
I had changed the job two years back. And do not feel that I will be able to find / get another now.....I have taken an appointment with doctor to consult about my illness.
I shall be able to get the defite term.... A name for my illness. I was a lil'bit autistic when in schools.
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