Posted: Friday 10 February 2012
I’ve been (and still am) a relationship & family counsellor for nearly 22 years. Over that time I have seen first hand the problems and discord that mental health problems cause in couple and family relationships.
I believe the stigma that unfortunately remains around mental illness creates an atmosphere of suspicion and fear in not just couple relationships, but close and extended family relationships.
Couples find mental health a difficult subject to broach and often a brilliant ‘mutual protection racket’ exists in these relationships, driving the mental health discussion further underground.
For example, Kate* told me: “I didn't want to tell my partner about how I was feeling because I knew it would upset him, so I kept it to myself, I just put up with it."
If both partners think this then it prevents them (maybe mistakenly) from saying what's on their mind. Hence neither know exactly what the other feels, they assume, and this is when misunderstandings and resentments occur. In my experience all this does is cause more distress and anguish. Mental illness becomes the preverbal ‘elephant in the room’!
The number of clients who come into my counselling practice, with symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress has certainly increased over the last ten years.
I used to be surprised by the way clients talk around depression, anxiety, stress - they almost seem ‘ashamed’ of the uninvited guest they have brought into their relationships.
As counselling progresses I have found that clients start to open up and become more curious about exploring what they can do about improving their communication, not only about their mental health problems, but also about how they feel.
It bothers me that some clients won’t seek the help of their GP as they don’t want depression recorded on their medical records, they fear that this will impact on job prospects and insurance.
As a matter of course I will ask clients if they are fit and healthy and ask if they are taking medication. Clients will often tell me that they are fit and healthy but then report taking antidepressants!
I’m not sure if they are in denial about the depression they are dealing with or that they consider themselves to be managing their mental health…sometimes this is the first time a partner knows of either.
Clients taking medication often have little knowledge of how the medication can impact on their intimate relationships and as a sex therapist, talking about side affects can help the couple to be more understanding of their situation.
It saddens me that in the 21st century we still have such prejudices regarding mental illness, but then we are scared of what we can’t see or understand. And unlike a broken leg, which we know is likely to heal in a matter of months, we don’t know how long a mental illness may last.
What I do know is that with help and support, individuals, couples and families can enjoy relationships. Sometimes it can be a combination of medical and talking interventions. It takes courage to ask for help, I know, but it’s worth it.
As a Relate counsellor I am privileged to work with such courage.
Denise Knowles is a relationship & family counsellor and a psycho-sexual therapist & clinical supervisor with Relate.
*Not her real name. All Relate counselling is confidential.
Interested in counselling? Find your nearest Relate service or your local Mind.
Read about how to cope as a carer, or how to survive family life.
Having a mental health difficulty in a relationship can have a profound and negative impact. Women's Aid figures show that a person with mental health problems is 30 times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence/abuse than someone without these issues. And men are just as likely to be a victim as women.
'It bothers me that some clients won’t seek the help of their GP as they don’t want depression recorded on their medical records, they fear that this will impact on job prospects and insurance.'
It bothers those of us who have that fear but what is the solution? It is a very real fear based on real lived experience. Everyone's got to earn their living. So what do you do?
I have Bipolar 2, my wife suffers from Depression, We have two sons. I am self employed, volunteer at a school as a TA and am studying a Counselling Diploma at College. Mental illness means you fight harder for longer, making us stronger and magnificent. The people that matter don't judge and those that do, well that's okay, enjoy YOUR life. There is room for all of us. I won't hide, we celebrate eachother :-) x
I'm a generally healtlhy woman in my late 20s with a diagnosis of Bipolar II - I have been denied life insurance 3 times since I was 24. It's not just the partner's potential prejudices that prevent people talking about mental health problems in relationships, it's the more pragmatic aspects of it too. I can't get life insurance, travel insurance etc. How does that effect a relationship where we want to buy a house together or go travelling?
This was the cost of seeking help for depression from my GP (and no effective treatment was every found).
Prejudice pervades all aspects of society, an I believe filters through to everyday relationships.
I have Bipolar 2, my wife suffers from Depression, We have two sons. I am self employed, volunteer at a school as a TA and am studying a Counselling Diploma at College. Mental illness means you fight harder for longer, making us stronger and magnificent. The people that matter don't judge and those that do, well that's okay, enjoy YOUR life. There is room for all of us. I won't hide, we celebrate eachother :-) x
Travel insurance - don't declare it!
I work in the mental health sector and I am a former user of mental health services. I sometimes refer to this and my colleagues, all mental health professionals, often seem shocked or surprised at first, even though they would not agree with any kind of discrimination. I often sense the thought- 'but you seem so normal!'
I am not on a crusade, but I am proud of the person I have become and I know out of adversity comes resilience and strength and it's this I want to shout from the roof tops so anyone hiding in a dark corner who is too scared to come out can hear me and not feel alone.
I am currently suffering from my husband's depression - he left me 6 weeks ago with no reason he could think of. Gradually it has come out that he is depressed, this website has helped me identify a lot of symptoms. There is a trigger for this depression that I can see, it goes back a year and has gradually increased. He left in Sept and came back but the problem hadn't been identified and he left again. I refused to believe he had chosen to leave, and was proved right when he began to talk of depression symptoms. He calls me a liar when I tell him how much people love him, and he says he is worthless and calls himself some evil things. But I can see through all this to the person I love, and I will not give up. This is how it should be in a marriage, I think. The hardest part is trying to cope with this while he is living somewhere else and refusing to see me. As long as I can keep him talking, bit by bit we will get there. I am suffering badly myself, I am in tears every evening after holding myself together all day, but I can cope with my own feelings, as long as I can get him to face his.
My husband is suffering from depression which has only become apparent since he left me 6 weeks ago. I am going through a huge amount of stress myself, since I have been left with no reason and no explanation. I have had to make myself stand back and be his friend, not his wife, to help him bring his feelings out. And I have to do nearly all of it through text. He has blocked my number so I can't call, and get very rare calls from him. But I can see his problem, we can identify the cause and it is nothing to do with us or our marriage. He isn't sticking to his marriage vows because his condition isn't letting him, this isn't something he has chosen to do. He can't even tell me he loves me, which was something he would do several times a day usually. But he hasn't said he doesn't love me either, so that's good enough for me to keep fighting. I am suffering badly, I have symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress too, but I am motivated by wanting to help him through this. I married him for better or worse, this is definitely the worse, and I have to support him. I couldn't live with myself if I looked back on this one day and said I could have done more. The problem is he is not accepting help, he is turning against himself and getting quite nasty, but occasionally he asks me how he can be fixed, so I know he needs my help. I will stand by him, I love him, our marriage won't fall because of his illness, not if I can help it.
Hi Venus – I’m sorry to hear what a tough time you’ve had lately. It sounds like you’ve been fighting hard to keep going and support your husband as best you can, despite having a great deal to cope with on your own. Is there a friend or family member you can talk to? It’s important that you can share what you’re going through. Samaritans are always there if you need someone to listen – 08457 90 90 90 / jo@samaritans.org.
It might take some time for your husband to accept help but you can make sure that you’re looking after your own mental health in the meantime. Your local Mind can help you through this time, and may also be somewhere your husband can go when he’s ready. You can find your nearest one here - http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area
You could also get in touch with Relate by following the link above. If you’re not ready to talk to someone face to face, they also give online and telephone support. This may also be something you and your husband could look into together a little further down the line.
Watching someone you love suffering can be emotionally draining but you’re not alone, and talking will make it a little easier. Take care of yourself.
Please do really consider using MIND services for both you and your husband. I speak from experience having suffered from a horrible episode of Depression that I am starting to come out the other side of Good luck.
Hi Venus! Just want to say that the love you have for your Husband is inspiring. If someone cared for me that much my depression would be a lot easier to deal with. But it sounds as if your husband is in a much 'darker' place than me and I hope he is able to come out of it somehow soon. It really sounds like you are doing all you can and you should be proud of yourself.
I am having difficulty with my nerves. It is effecting my work. Because I am nervous I care what people think and work hard not to cause problems. Its so bad, I will not fight for my rights and will not compete. If someone wants the same things as me, I will back-down and not fight for it. I prefer to let them have it so not to upset them, even if its my job. My boss has picked up on it and says I flap. I don't think I do, but he is not the first person to say that and so now I doubt myself. My fear of upsetting people is ruining my life and making me a nervous wreak.
I am a really gentle person, I am confident and outgoing and slim and attractive. This causes other people in work to resent me. I am at the point where I need to find work with like minded people. Any ideas?
Sara I know exactly what you are on about, ill agree to do stuff after only thinking "how will this help them" rather than "will it inconvenience me?" then I get all annoyed with myself for being a doormat. But I know why we do it, theres enough going on in our heads and giving in makes it a little bit easier? I am a nervous person too, not as much as when I was younger (well not on the outside anyway) but it makes me ...well, flap I suppose. People get annoyed when im speaking in a flap cos I snap at them and get confused. I have had depression and anxiety since I was 17, Im now 32 and never had a single day of sick for it until today. My boss is ringing me back in a bit to find out whats up. Yeah thats going to be easy to explain! I got sent home from work last night cos I couldnt stop crying. Basically I make so many mistakes in work its ridiculous. Im embarassed to be there but I have to pay the rent....I am on antidepressants, Ive had CBT but I still feel like a waste of space every time I walk in the damn place. x
The reason I won't talk to my Dr is because they won't really help. They only seem to care if you're a child or 40+ anything in between & its take some paracetamol & then prescribe a higher dose. As long as you cant see it of course.
...I'm also scared.
@Sara, first thing you need to do is start praising yourself. Start with little things that you think are very positive in you. I think unless you start doing it, you wont be able to recover from what you are going through and will further ruin your self!
-Vik
poisongirl25, I agree. I went to my Doctor after many years of feeling excessive guilt and anxiety, haiving constant chest pains, poor sleep etc etc. They ran through a "mental health checklist" (He pulled a bit of A4 paper out of his draw and started reading the questions...). He asked if I felt worthless, if I had felt suicidle, self harmed etc etc. After anwering no to most of these he decided that I was not sleeping properly and told me to have some rest as he clearly felt mental health problems = suicidal.
The biggest problem is, of course, the difficulty getting life insurence or employment when you have a mental health problem. I just wish something could be done to stop this discrimination then we could have a chance at treatment. Or at least a name to the problem.
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