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Does this black cloud have a silver lining?
Posted Friday 3 February 2012
Paul describes the "whole weather system" of depression and asks whether there's an upside to his experiences.
There's a well known saying that every cloud has a silver lining. Sometimes I've suspected that the only silver lining in my black cloud is a bolt of lightning that's about to fry me on the spot.
Other times, I've spent so long staring at the black cloud that it's got bored of just hanging around above my head and dropped monsoon-like rain straight into my face.
The cloud I'm talking about is depression. It's more than just a cloud - it's a whole weather system, wreaking havoc in countless ways. It follows you around, showing no mercy.
When the cloud descends it's like dense, black fog - a suffocating wall of smog that makes any potential silver lining slip away, deep into the impenetrable gloom. Which is terribly unsporting of it, isn't it? It envelopes its victim and seeps into their brain, controlling their mood, but it doesn't stop there. It tries to infect everyone around that unfortunate person too.
Not content with its cloud-like tendencies, depression can whip up a whirlwind of stress, anger, worry and raw emotions and pelt you with them, like a giant storm smashes windscreens with grapefruit-sized hailstones. You can feel like your head is spinning like a tornado, or you can feel buffeted from all directions by a hurricane that nobody else can sense.
It takes on other sinister forms too. It can be like quicksand (OK, I know it's not a kind of weather, but it's sort of elemental so bear with me), dragging you down, zapping your mental, physical and emotional energy, sucking the lifeforce from you.
But however much it might not like it, my cloud does have a silver lining. More than one, in fact.
For a start, it's given me something to write about. When I started blogging, I had no idea I would end up writing so many posts about depression. Then again, I didn't exactly intend to have depression.
Nobody would choose the wretched thing, would they? I mean, it's... well, depressing. But writing about it has helped me to get to grips with what I'm feeling and to put it into words, and the best thing about it is that it's helped other people too.
The other positive thing to come out of my depression - which, incidentally, is still stalking me - is that so many people, friends and strangers alike, have shown me such kindness and support.
I've learned that there are loads of other people out there who have gone through the same thing, or are still going through it, and we can all help each other. And, despite the misery of depression and the ongoing struggle to overcome it, I've actually learned to like and value myself a bit more than I used to, because the kind words of others have proved to me that I'm really not as bad as I thought I was.
If there's a black cloud hovering over you, chasing you or engulfing you, don't give up on seeing the summer sun. It might take a while to appear, so, in the meantime, grab and appreciate any flashes of silver you can find. They are up there somewhere.
Paul
Read Paul's blog and follow him on Twitter.
Find out more about depression.
16 Comments
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Another thing about those Black Clouds is that sometimes they go away and the sun shines again. You will increasingly find what bad weather protection works for you so even when its raining you can jump in the puddles.
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Although i am sure you are being honest about your experience of depression, i find it difficult to believe that this was written when you were in the throes of it. I have had several bouts of severe clinical depression and could hardly write my name let alone be as eloquent as this !!! your cognitive functioning is usually seriously affected, The hell of it can not be explained to anyone who has not been there when death would seem like a merciful release. I am having a good spell and am grateful for it, don't ever let anyone underestimate the seriousness of the condition and the overwnelming reltef wnen things improve.
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That is so well describe. Thank you Paul.
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I like that idea! Thank you very much :)
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Depression is made worse by our environment, some things we can't alter. It is a place of no escape, no magic cure, just time and the hope it will not last or just keep coming back.
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Really well put, i hope you find sunshine xxx
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Hi everyone, and thanks for your comments.
Sandy, I'm on round two of depression and probably couldn't have written my blog the first time round. Also, I'm not sure I could class my depression as 'severe', as I know a lot of people are much worse affected than I have been. However, I am not going to belittle what I've been going through, as it is an epic battle and a thorough misery.
Writing the blog gives me a chance to address how I'm feeling, and I see it as part of my recovery. I've learned a lot during the last two or three years and find it helpful to write about it and share it with other people.
Thanks again, folks. Hope you're all doing well :)
Paul -
As someone who is very much under that black cloud at the moment reading your article has helped me realise that I am not alone in my struggles and I do have hope that I will come out the other side when the black stuff thins and goes. Thanks.
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That's great - thanks Phyllis. We'll get there - see you on the other side!
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Oh my goodness - you are so right. The way you describe it encapsulates my experiences and like Phyllis I now realise its not just me dealing with this onslaught. Hopefully the sun will shine again eventually and I will be able to join you on the other side.
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Excellent - see you there, Tanya!
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Reading your views on depression has helped me somewhat. As Phylllis stated it is comforting to know that you are not on your own..... I particularly feel that I can relate to the comment made that with depression you feel that energy is being zapped or drawn from your body. I feel this alot and I have to take deep breaths and sighs to release the feeling that manifests.
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Paul.... you say you had help and support from people.... I am struggling to help my husband who left me 6 weeks ago because of his depression. He had no idea why he left, but the depression has emerged as a reason. The thing is, he isn't living with me and I can't see him, I only have text messages. He thinks I am lying to him about people caring about him, yet he still wants help. He will get very nasty at me in an attempt to push me away, yet he knows he has a problem. I don't know how to get through to him.... Reading stories on here has shown me that what he is going through isn't unusual but most people don't have to try and help someone they love from a distance. How do I get him to see that I'm trying to help, and not trying to push him into doing things he doesn't want to do?
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For me, amongst other things, depression is like a mist, only a mist you can't see. You only realise it's there when you start to come out of it, when your mind starts to clear. When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to judge how dense it is or how long it will last for.
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I'm in that Black cloud right now and I can't see any ray of hope...
I don't trust people,due to too many past experiences...
I've been suffering with depression for nearly 17 years, managing day to day routines, slowly in my own way of existing with the help of anti-depressants, but now, I'm expected to go to job interviews and meetings and fill in all these forms, that are booklets of words and questions, that I can't even concentrate enough to read, never mind understand or know what to write in the spaces provided.
Now I'm supposed to find help, make telephone calls to get the help to fill in these forms... I'm just about managing life day to day and now, I'm expected to go to work...
I can't stop crying and I don't have enough energy to get the help... This Black cloud is too dark and I don't know where to get the help or If I should stop trying altogether... I'm 47 and have two dependant children here at home who hear my cries and know I'm going through hell... But when somebody is in this dense black cloud, there is little strength or wanting, to get the help. -
Sorry, I haven't checked comments on my blog here for a while - thanks Sammy, Alison, Karen and VenusIsUp for your comments.
Venus, that sounds awful. Once I realised I had depression, I wanted to get help and to get better - maybe your husband is the only one who can convince himself to get help.
Karen, your black cloud sounds horrific, but never give up hope of getting better.I've been chatting to an organisation called the Blurt Foundation on Twitter, and think they might be able to help. They offer help and mentoring for people with depression. Look them up at blurtitout.org
All the best, everyone
Paul
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