Posted: Monday 16 January 2012
Mind member Selina writes about the ups and downs of life in 2011, and looks forward to 2012.
As 2011 drew to a close, I couldn't wait to get off the rollercoaster. It was one hell of a ride. I can't decide if it was the best or worst year of my life.
A year ago, when Big Ben chimed midnight and 2011 dawned, things appeared to be pretty good for me. Aged 36, I was holding down a well paid, responsible job and had been in a relationship with a lovely bloke for a couple of years, following my divorce.
My two kids and I were all sharing one bedroom at my parents' house while I tried to pay off my marital debts. This was a constant struggle, but my kids were healthy and we had a roof over our heads.
As everyone kept telling me, some people weren't that lucky and I should be grateful for what I had. I tried to believe it. I tried really hard.
I have suffered with depression since the age of 14 and have been prescribed antidepressants on and off since the age of 21. Usually, I could pick myself up before things got too bad. The worst it had ever been was when I'd suffered post-natal depression in 2001 following the birth of my first child.
But even that was nothing compared to this year. As well as depression, I experienced work-related stress and, for the first time ever, the curse of anxiety.
I hated my job with a passion and felt a complete failure in my professional life. My personal relationships were rapidly going downhill. I had distanced myself from the people who cared about me the most.
And I just wasn't looking after myself. As a Type 2 diabetic, with an underactive thyroid and high cholesterol, I was at least seven stone overweight. I did no exercise and very rarely took my medication. I hadn't had my hair cut in months. I barely even washed it or bothered to shower. I wore the same clothes day in, day out. I had pretty much given up on myself.
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I didn't know it at the time. Or maybe I did, and just wasn't ready to acknowledge it.
By the time April rolled round, it was obvious even to me how unwell I was. I had walked out on my job. My boyfriend had finished with me when I was at my lowest point. I hadn't slept properly for months. I was permanently in tears and I just couldn't cope with life.
I lost my confidence in everything and was suffering crippling panic attacks, which left me scared to leave the house. I felt like the captain of a sinking ship and I was more than prepared to go down with my boat. I admitted out loud that I didn't want to be here anymore.
For that reason, maybe you can understand why this could have been the worst year of my life?
However, every cloud has a silver lining and 2011 had its fair share of those.
Firstly, I discovered the benefits of counselling. My employer runs an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP). After weeks of putting it off, I picked up the phone and spoke to a counsellor. The conversation was emotional and difficult, but worthwhile, as I was referred for five face-to-face counselling sessions. This was funded by the EAP and backed up with unlimited telephone support.
I also confided in my GP and received eight one-to-one sessions with my local NHS' Therapy for You service. I also had access to the online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Mood Calmer programme. Currently, I am half way through a programme of private CBT, which has so far been tough but strangely enjoyable.
Secondly, I established a support network. My friends and family members have been amazing and I simply wouldn't be here without them. It's safe to say that I really found out who my friends are this year. People I thought I would always be able to count on have disappeared. But others I hadn't seen for years came calling when I needed them the most.
It could be anything from a cup of coffee to a cuddle, help with filling in a form, or putting the world to rights on Facebook in the middle of the night. Support comes in different shapes and sizes, just like the people who offer it, you just have to be ready and willing to accept it.
Speaking of different shapes and sizes, as I write this post now, I am no longer seven stone overweight. I am no supermodel either, but I have lost four stone through healthy eating and regular exercise.
I was born a chocoholic couch potato, so the sacrifices I have made this year have been immense, but so worth it. I started off with walking. And then I found Zumba. Despite having no rhythm or co-ordination, I love it and would recommend it to everyone.
Even if you don't need the physical workout, the mental health benefits are phenomenal. I have been taking antidepressants since February, but honestly feel that exercise has a more noticeable effect than the drugs.
I’ve been looking forward to the arrival of 2012, even if it does nothing but draw an imaginary line under my breakdown and allow me to move forward.
I want to get back to work. I hope to move into a new home with my children at some point this year. I also have social events to look forward to in the next few months. Plus a huge challenge in May, when I will be running the Bupa 10k in London and raising sponsorship money for Mind.
The information on Mind’s website was invaluable to me as I started to come to terms with my illness, including a previously undiagnosed eating disorder. I want to give something back and help raise awareness of mental health issues.
Any good rollercoaster should finish where it started and conveniently, I have realised that 2011 itself was not the rollercoaster I had first thought.
My whole life has been one big dipper of emotional highs and lows. At the moment, I've managed to find the brakes and slow it down while I discover how to manage stress, depression and anxiety. They don't own me. They don't define me. They only have the impact that I allow them to have.
Sometimes, on a bad day, that's more impact than they should have. But with white knuckles and gritted teeth I will hang on in there, ready to brace myself when everything turns upside down.
Selina Arthur
If you would like to sponsor Selina for the Bupa 10k, visit her Justgiving page.
Find out more about becoming a Mind member.
Excellent blog Selina. I hope 2012 is a good year for you.
Hello Selina, this is inspiring. I'm so glad you were able to ask for and get the help and support you needed. I wish you all the best for 2012 and with the 10k!
Hi Selina, congrats on all of your acheivements in 2011! I'm running for Mind at London BUPA too!!! Perhaps I'll see you on the day. If you wanna chat you can find me on Facebook, just search me on Hazel Augur, you'll find me I'm the only one :o)
x
Great blog, Selina. I agree with you about the exercise - I feel that my antidepressants help me cope, but exercise helps me feel good.
I hope this year is everything you hope for. Good luck to you and your children.
Thanks for sharing your experience of recovery Selina. Great to hear that you found lots of new active and social leisure pursuits helped (more than the anti-depressants). I've published some research on this in relation to a study of Australian women's recovery experiences that might be of interest to others.
Fullagar, S 2008, 'Leisure as a counter-depressant: Emotion-work and emotion-play within women's recovery from depression', Leisure Sciences: An Interdisciplinary Journal, vol. 30, no. 1, pp. 35-52.
http://www.griffith.edu.au/professional-page/simone-fullagar/publications
Thank you all for your comments. I wrote this on New Year's Eve and am pleased to report that 2012 has started on an extremely positive note and is shaping up to be a much better year already.
I am always keen to read up on these matters so will take a look at your link Simone.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been trying to post replies from my phone without success; this is the first chance I have had to log on to my computer, so apologies for the delay in responding to some of you.
I try to write every day as I find it very therapeutic. I wrote this particular blog in the early hours of New Year's Eve and am pleased to report that 2012 has started on an extremely positive note and is already shaping up to be a much better year.
Training for the 10K is challenging but I am determined to do it. So many people are doubting my ability but I'll show them! I had my name down on the waiting list for my local council's Running Sisters club and have just heard today that I have a place on the next course, starting in February. So that's something else to look forward to!
I have received several sponsors off the back of this blog and would like to say a big thank you to Snooks for contributing to the cause.
Wishing you all the very best. :)
Selina
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