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Be well in 2012
Posted Thursday 5 January 2012
The start of a new year is an excellent opportunity for personal growth, learning new things, and breaking bad habits, but it’s an equally good opportunity for self-sabotage.
How many of us resolve to improve our lives in some way, and how many of those improvements are personal?
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder ten years ago, I took it very personally. I felt that my periods of depression and mania were personal flaws, rather than symptoms of my illness. I felt bad about myself and I wanted to be better.
I didn’t know exactly what “better” was, but I knew I needed it to be happy, so I began to search.
I’ve heard it said that insanity is doing the same thing more than once and expecting different results. I suppose that particular insight was obscured by the fact that each reinvention really looked different.
In my first year of university, as a psychology major, I wore cowboy boots, men’s shirts and blazers (this was to compensate for my embarrassingly revealing uniform as a cocktail waitress on the nights I worked).
After failing out of two schools (during which I changed my major from psychology to literature to art history and then back to psychology), I dropped everything and moved to New York to pursue acting, my first love.
Four disastrous months and a very bad dye job later, I had arrived in London and found myself chased out of my most recent flat, huddled next to a hysterical ballet dancer at a bus stop in Bethnal Green. The worst part was, I was wearing the leg warmers.
The truth was that although I changed the location, wardrobe, and set dressing, I was repeating the same performance, stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage.
When the depression overwhelmed me, I had to drop whatever I was doing, admit defeat, and start something else. Throughout my years of living this way I lost friendships, relationships, and opportunities. I always blamed myself, yet I felt completely powerless to stop the cycle.
The only thing that kept me going was the belief that once I found “better”, I would be happy.
When I met my husband, I realised that the normal escape plan was no longer an option. I was in love, and my life was now entwined with another person’s. I couldn’t live for a future that might never transpire, waiting for “better” to come along.
I had to have more than “I’ll be happy when…” I wanted to make my life work wherever I was. So, reluctantly, I stopped searching. I not only had to let go of getting better, I had to let go of “better” as a concept.
The results were quite surprising.
Since then, I have felt more content in my life than ever before. I enjoy stronger, healthier relationships with my friends and family, and a happier marriage.
Perhaps it’s the relief that I am no longer searching for something I can’t define, or maybe it’s because I stopped feeling like something was missing, or for that matter, that I was missing something.
I am still in treatment, and though I may have given up the search for “better”, I have begun a new journey, one in which I can live moment to moment.
The past decade may have been about getting better, but 2012 is about getting well.
Michelle Scofield McGinn
Michelle Scofield McGinn was born in Washington, DC and lives in London. She is a contributing writer for The Urban Times.
You can read more about living with bipolar disorder on her blog and you can follow her on twitter at @hexpatriate
7 Comments
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Hey Michelle,
I totally get what you mean about letting go of the concept of getting better. I fought for year with myself trying to achieve a mystical goal of getting better and once I let that go the mental freedom I have and life opportunities that I’m presented with mean that I reached my goal of self acceptance and happiness almost without even trying.
I didn’t get to this point on my own, I’ve had the all the help the NHS could muster and I found true value in charities like MIND and the work they do, so much value in fact that I’m planning a 1700 mile charity walk from Paris to Palermo in order raise both awareness of mental health and wellbeing as well as much needed funds for Mind who in my eyes really are an amazing body that do amazing work.
Thanks for such a great post.
Eden Walker
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Ditto letting go of the concept of recovery which is just as meaningless!
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Thank you both for your comments, I'm so pleased that you can relate to my story.
Eden, I wish you the best on your charity walk. I think it's a wonderful way to pay tribute to the organisations and individuals who have helped you. Truly inspired! I look forward to keeping up with your journey, thanks for the link!.
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I also live with Bipolar and recovery is really what we want it to be and accepting that any achievement no matter how big or small is a bonus. I know what you mean about the word as it sounds as though the condition should totally dissapear as we stroll towards recovery. I think of it like the AA or RAC sometimes there recovery fixes the car and sometimes there recovery service just tows us to the garage. It's enjoying the life that we have as best as we can that is important.
I still get kicked down from time to time but after 22 years of living with BPD am used to it. Stay well and enjoy.
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Michelle, I very much relate to what you are saying, perhaps, from a slightly different angle.
On a good day I think I might be getting 'better' but then a bad day comes along, so no real change. The medication has helped and I wouldn't be without it. Bizarrely, I don't want to get better,as it would change who I am and take me out of my comfort zone ready for a big fall. Also I have realized I will never be like those people who get very excited and get great great enjoyment from whatever it is. The only problem - which you seem to have overcome - is that other people expect you to be 'happy' - whatever happiness is.
So I am content to stay who I am, and stay on the medication which has helped to bring more peace of mind.
Thanks for the post. -
Phil, I love your car analogy! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. My best friend started writing down her achievements each day rather than strictly listing goals and she is much happier reflecting on how far she has come rather than feeling like she has an insurmountable "to-do" list.
James, your comment reminded me of something someone shared with me a few years ago. I told her I felt like I wasn't going anywhere and that the good days were cancelled out by the bad. She took a pen and paper and drew several circles that were connected (kind of like a spiral shape) in a straight line. She pointed to the bottom of the first circle and said, "this is where you are now" and then, pointing to the last circle, said, "this is where you will be some point in the future. You may experience a pattern, but that doesn't stop you from moving forward".
I've always found that image helpful. It allows for ups, downs, setbacks, and leaps forward, without judgement or expectations. -
Hi Eden,
Thank you once again for raising money for Mind through the Paris to Palmero walk. Its an amazing challenge and your support is so important to us.
Your website looks great and don't forget to contact us if you need any advice or support.
Maria
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